OPTIMIST In our special relationship there can be no rivalry. Our alliance has stood the test of time, and we shall fight together unto the bitter end.
GRUMBLER I think so, too. Except that the general confusion will be increased as we struggle to speak the same language.
OPTIMIST We are united by the language of the sword. Indissolubly linked to the Germans through thick and thin, through triumph and—
GRUMBLER —disaster!
(Change of scene.)
Scene 3
Subscriber to the Neue Freie Presse and Patriot are excitedly discussing latest news.
SUBSCRIBER Did you see in the paper, the Mayor, Dr. Weiskirchner, sent Admiral Haus a congratulatory telegram after U-boat 5’s brilliant exploit, and he has already replied?
PATRIOT And what was his response?
SUBSCRIBER “Please accept my heartfelt thanks for your extremely kind good wishes.”
PATRIOT But did you know that the Israelite director of military pastoral care, Rabbi Dr. Frankfurter, delivered a patriotic address at Easter?
SUBSCRIBER You don’t say! I missed that. And what then?
PATRIOT The text was submitted to Archduke Friedrich and Archduke Karl by the military commandant of Vienna.
SUBSCRIBER And then?
PATRIOT Both archdukes conveyed their thanks to the rabbi.
SUBSCRIBER Now that’s great news. But here’s something I can tell you. King Ludwig of Bavaria conveyed his heartfelt thanks by telegram to Benzion Katz, district rabbi of Borszcow, currently visiting Franzensbad, in response to his congratulatory telegram after the capture of Warsaw.
PATRIOT I know that, but you’ve left one bit out.
SUBSCRIBER I’m all ears.
PATRIOT Benzion Katz, district rabbi of Borszcow, currently visiting Franzensbad, in response to the capture of Warsaw and Ivangorod—
SUBSCRIBER Ah, also in response to Ivangorod?
PATRIOT Yes, also in response to Ivangorod — sent a congratulatory telegram to the commander in chief of the army, Field Marshal Archduke Friedrich—
SUBSCRIBER And then?
PATRIOT —to which the following response arrived: His Royal and Imperial Highness, the Most Serene commander in chief of the army, Field Marshal Archduke Friedrich—
SUBSCRIBER Aha, I know the rest: conveys his heartfelt thanks for the patriotic declaration. Signed, on behalf of His Highness, by His aide-de-camp Col. v. Lorz.
PATRIOT How did you know?
SUBSCRIBER Ah, I can tell you even more. Namely, the text of King Ludwig of Bavaria’s response, which I only read later, you see, namely: King Ludwig of Bavaria conveyed the following response to Benzion Katz, district rabbi of Borszcow, currently visiting Franzensbad, in response to his congratulatory telegram after the capture of Warsaw: “My heartfelt thanks to you and your compatriots currently visiting Franzensbad for your congratulations at the capture of Warsaw. Ludwig.”
PATRIOT Pity you only ever hear the responses, and never what Benzion Katz said in his telegram.
SUBSCRIBER Heavens, there are so many interesting things these days, you simply don’t know which way to turn first. Oh, of course, did you know who’s been entertaining wounded soldiers at reserve hospital no. 9 (the former regional governor’s hospital) under theatre director Franz Brunner?
PATRIOT The wife of Section Head Jarzebecka, Rosa Kunze, Helene Gad, Marta Seeböck, Elsa v. Konrad, Larta Land, Professor Felsen, Gusti Schlesak, Henriette Weiss, Mizzi Ohmann, Christine Werner, and the two gentlemen, Ernst Salzberger and Viktor Springer.
SUBSCRIBER Marvellous, what an impressive list! In the cooperative reserve hospital no. 8 (the Rothschild hospital), as far as I know, the only cooperatives were: Mrs. Anna Kastinger, Miss Finni Kaufmann (accompanied on the piano by Hela Lang), Miss Ila Tessa, Adolf Raab, Miss Karla Porjes, the Uhl clarinet and accordion quartet for light music, and the Edelweiss Quartet under choirmaster E. Bochdansky, together with the gentlemen I. Michl, G. Steinweiss, and I. Zohner.
PATRIOT Just so. But did you know that in the hospital in the Apostelgasse, at the instigation of district school inspector Homolatsch, they’re performing “German songs in words and images for choir and orchestra”?
SUBSCRIBER No, I’m amazed, but I do know one thing, namely that E. Koritschoner of Prague and Minna Husserl of Märisch-Trübau got engaged on the 15th of this month.
PATRIOT Just so. Yes, indeed, our people are doing great things. But did you see in the paper: “The Entente Despairs of Victory”?
SUBSCRIBER Yes, indeed, it all seems to be coming true, I do believe there will be an outbreak of despair about the Entente’s victory such as the world has never seen.
PATRIOT We ain’t seen nothing yet. (Exeunt.)
(Change of scene.)
Scene 4
A street near Military Headquarters. A journalist and an elderly general enter.
JOURNALIST Your Excellency is perhaps in a position to give me some indication of the present situation?
GENERAL (after some reflection) We lovingly — remember — our loved ones — back home — who lovingly bestow upon us — gift parcels — and who faithfully — remember us.
JOURNALIST Heartfelt thanks, Your Excellency. I shall not fail to ensure that this significant comment by one of our illustrious army commanders will be immediately conveyed to — (Exeunt.)
(Another journalist and another elderly general enter.)
JOURNALIST Your Excellency is perhaps in a position to provide my paper, as far as the relevant reporting restrictions permit, with an authentic account of what has just taken place?
GENERAL Dunno — all I heard was — the Prussians are coming — the Prussians — after that — then after that — we’re — we’re — in it up to here, yet again — those — those — damned Prussians—
JOURNALIST Interesting. Perhaps Your Excellency might know something of the fate of the Third Thoroughbred Artillery Brigade — something especially close to our hearts?
GENERAL You mean — dur — turd — dunder — head — distil — lery — trade—
JOURNALIST Many thanks, Your Excellency, I won’t fail to convey this highly significant announcement by one of our victorious military leaders to — (Exeunt.)
(Change of scene.)
Scene 5
South-west Front.
VOICE FROM BACKGROUND Don’t go too far forward, your Excellency, not too far!
SECOND VOICE Don’t go on, Excellency, the enemy has us in his sights, don’t you understand, no further!
(Enter an elderly general, deep in thought. A Sicilian soldier approaches and captures him with a lasso. The soldier leads the general off.)
MEMBER OF WAR PRESS BUREAU (notices, exclaims) It’s not true! — I saw it with my own eyes! — That’s just what they’re waiting for! — Italian war correspondents’ fairy tales! — No further comment necessary.
(Change of scene.)
Scene 6
An infantry regiment 300 paces from the enemy.
Heavy exchange of fire.
INFANTRY OFFICER Look back there, our good padre is joining us. That’s nice of him.
PADRE ANTON ALLMER Good day to you, brave soldiers! God’s blessing on your weapons! Are you giving the enemy a bloody nose?
OFFICER Honoured to meet you, Father — we’re proud to have such a fearless padre coming up to our gun emplacements, in spite of enemy fire and heedless of the threat of danger.