PADRE Come on then, let me have a potshot or two.
OFFICER We’re all delighted to have such an intrepid padre! (He hands him a gun. The padre fires a couple of shots.)
PADRE Kaboom!
SHOUTS Bravo! What a noble priest! Long live our beloved padre!
(Change of scene.)
Scene 7
Beside the battery.
ARTILLERY OFFICER Look, there’s our good padre coming over from the infantry position. That’s nice of him.
PADRE ANTON ALLMER Good day to you, brave soldiers! God’s blessing on your weapons! Are you giving the enemy a bloody nose?
OFFICER It’s going great guns, Father.
PADRE God be with you, I’d love to have a go.
OFFICER Certainly, Father, I hope you hit a few Russians.
(The padre fires.)
PADRE Kaboom!
SHOUTS Bravo!
OFFICER (to his men) What a splendid priest, a noble priest! A son of our beautiful Styria, too. I must write to the Grazer Volksblatt! (To padre) Our home regiment is happy and proud of its padre and plucky comrade-in-arms, who sets a fine example of leading from the front.
SHOUTS Hurrah!
OFFICER Our weapons are sanctified, now that the Reverend Father has fired. His Reverence has let fire!
(Alice Schalek approaches.)
SCHALEK What sort of position is this? You call this a position? I’ve seen better!
OFFICER Please, you must make allowances — time was short—
SCHALEK You know what, Lieutenant, I’d like to have a shot or two.
OFFICER Most willingly, miss, but it’s unfortunately impossible at the moment as the enemy might become agitated. There’s a lull in the fighting right now, and we’re happy to—
SCHALEK Don’t be a fool, man — you’re saying the padre can have a go and I can’t? — When I’ve come out here specifically — as you know, I only describe what I’ve experienced in person — remember, it’s imperative I round off the description — and it appears on Sunday!
OFFICER Yes — well — I can’t accept responsibility—
SCHALEK But I can! Give it here. So, how do you shoot this thing?
OFFICER Like this—
(Schalek fires. The enemy responds.)
OFFICER There, I told you so!
SCHALEK What do you expect? But for me it’s so interesting!
(Change of scene.)
Scene 8
A stage in the Prater amusement park. The setting is a trench in which provincial actors practise shooting, telephone, sleep, eat, and read newspapers. The trench is decorated with flags. Some thousand spectators are standing in front of it, row upon tightly packed row, numerous officials, dignitaries, and reporters in the foreground.
IMPRESARIO —and I herewith dedicate this trench, designed to conjure up life in a real-life trench before the eyes of the honourable public, to the noble purpose of supporting the patriotic War Welfare Fund, and I most humbly beg His Imperial Highness to declare the trench open.
REPRESENTATIVE OF THE WILHELM PRESS AGENCY (to his colleague) Among the notable military and civilian figures, one spotted—
COLLEAGUE (writing) Angelo Eisner v. Eisenhof, Flora Dub, Hofrat and Frau Schwarz-Gelber—
REPRESENTATIVE But I don’t see them—
COLLEAGUE Yes, but I know.
REPRESENTATIVE Shush! It’s the inauguration. Write: began at six o’clock on the dot.
VOICE OF ARCHDUKE KARL FRANZ JOSEF Coming to see the trench has been a pleasure. As a soldier myself—
AUDIENCE Hip! Hip! Hurrah!
FRAU SCHWARZ-GELBER (to her husband) You can see nothing here, come on, we’ll be more visible over there.
(There follow presentations. The audience gathers around, then disperses. Everyone wants to be part of the action.)
LIEUTENANT WHO, HAVING DISBURSED THE SUM OF ONE CROWN AS A DONATION TO THE RED CROSS AT SCHAUMANN’S THE CHEMIST IN STOCKERAU, WANTS TO REMAIN INCOGNITO (to a gentleman) Let us hope that this event, instigated no doubt by some suggestion from high places, will raise a not inconsiderable sum for the charity. I’m interested in all such endeavours on behalf of War Welfare, for the person you see before you is none other than the donor at Schaumann’s the chemist in Stockerau of a contribution of one crown in aid of the Red Cross, by a lieutenant who wished to remain anonymous, yielding a sum total of 1,091 crowns in cash and 2,000 crowns annuity, in addition the previous return of 679,253 cash, which makes 680,344 crowns cash and—
PROFESSOR KUNZE What, as much as that?
LIEUTENANT Yes, indeed, it all adds up. I was long undecided whether or not to make my name public, but since I’m a sworn enemy of any kind of publicity when it’s a question of doing good, I decided to keep my identity hidden. To remain half-anonymous — that halves the value of the charitable act. Look at this: Otto Ni. from Leitmeritz and Robert Bi. from Theresienstadt congratulate Rusi Ni. in Vienna on the happy family event: “All went well, no problems!”—2 crowns 7 heller, but if you add the previous return, that only makes 576,209 crowns 52 heller. My position is quite different, quite apart from the fact that I was the lone contributor, and that I had absolutely no need of a happy event to—
PROFESSOR KUNZE I envy you. I’ve done more, but all in all it really didn’t add up to much. The person you see before you is none other than the man who suggested to his hunting party that every member should make a contribution of 2 crowns to War Welfare. I was the first to do so, of course, and the others soon followed my lead, so that I was in a position to make it known. I long hesitated whether or not I should keep my identity hidden, but since I’m a sworn enemy of any kind of anonymity when it’s a question of setting an example, I decided to go public. You see, I hold very different views to yours. In total, then, it came to 26 crowns, for there were 13 of us. After all, that’s a not inconsiderable sum, but of course, compared with the result — (they leave, still conversing.)
PATRIOT In London there’s an amusing novelty, a trench in the park. I read in the paper recently: “The Prince of Wales in the trenches.” That’s where he spends his time fooling around, of course, he hasn’t been to the front yet!
SUBSCRIBER They’re only playing at war.
(Change of scene.)
Scene 9
Semmering, Alpine holiday spa. Terrace of the Southern Railway Hotel. The Alps aglow. Gathering of Youngsters and Oldies, Fatties and Shorties. Jackals and Hyenas can be seen. A lady has just recited a poem by Heine with deep emotion and earned rich applause. Semmering regulars are sunk in quiet contemplation.
YOUNGSTER Weiss is the best tourist. He goes at walking pace, or he goes at a trot, or if he’s running out of time, he goes at a gallop. He’s never been late for our regular card game yet.
OLDIE A first-class Alpine sunset. Look at the director general in the window, his face is aglow.
DANGL (arrives, out of breath) My dear guests, they’ve just telephoned from Vienna, Durazzo has fallen — great successes at Verdun!
ALL Long live Dangl!
FATTY I have a hunch that the skies are illuminated because of Durazzo.
SHORTY Today it’s such a joy! Today all are gathered together, those unconditionally devoted to Semmering and all the usual suspects.
BABBLE OF VOICES Where’s Weiss? — Please don’t shout, Stukart will hear — Did you hear about Durazzo, easy-peasy — I’ll be curious to see if he comes in good time today — Say what you like, Heine is the greatest German poet and always will be, even if they blow their top — I greeted the Section Head and he greeted back — You’ll see, he’ll live on in the annals of history — He wants to climb the Sonnwendstein, he said — They won’t take Verdun! — Are you a big eater? Take me, I’m a big eater — The panorama was fabulous — I’m telling you, he’ll make it, even at walking pace — The losses have to be taken with a pinch of salt! — He must earn a pretty penny — The way she recited it, it really bowled me over — Bet you he comes at a trot today — The professor said the position down there is looking very good — I could come up with three more truckloads — when he got himself baptized she demanded a divorce — But I’m telling you, today he’s going to miss out — If you want a good laugh, go down to the theatre in the Josefstadt, it’ll have you rolling in the aisles — What do you mean, troop transports? The Semmering train won’t stop running! — The panorama was fabulous — Look, there he comes running, what did I tell you, Weiss at a gallop! (The company retires.)