OPTIMIST Yes, but what about Berlin?
GRUMBLER In Berlin? In one of its music halls, the day directly after the catastrophe, a film was shown depicting all this, and the advertisement for it read: “The sinking of the Lusitania. Live footage. Smoking permitted during this item.”
OPTIMIST That’s certainly tasteless.
GRUMBLER No, it has a style all its own!
OPTIMIST Well, I can’t pass a sentimental judgment on the case of the Lusitania.
GRUMBLER Nor can I, only a criminal one!
OPTIMIST They were warned.
GRUMBLER They were warned of danger by the threat of a crime, so the murder was preceded by blackmail. A blackmailer can never plead by way of exoneration that he had given prior warning of the crime he then committed. Were I to threaten you with death if you were either to do or to fail to do something to which I have no entitlement, then it is blackmail and not a caution, and after the deed I am a murderer and not a legal executor. Smoking permitted. But when you think of those children’s corpses, do try, dear Fatherland, to sleep easy!
OPTIMIST The U-boat could do no other—
GRUMBLER —than take the place of the iceberg that a few years earlier had rammed the Titanic, like the wrath of God visited upon the utter madness of technological excess, to teach man, no longer awe, but the shock of terror. Now technology itself administers the punishment, and all is for the best. But on that occasion God, who committed the act, was still called upon by name. About this U-boat hero, world history remains silent. The official report does not give his name. The enemy claim that the man had received a medal is dismissed by the official German news agency as a lie. And, moreover, with a show of outrage which, coming after all its smugly wholesome phraseology, finally exposes the deed.
OPTIMIST Compared with heroes like Commander Weddingen, he certainly has no claim—
GRUMBLER But why not? After all, the deed is being celebrated. Why is it not being hushed up like the doer?
OPTIMIST The deed was not noble, but expedient. The Lusitania was carrying weapons intended for use against the lives of German soldiers.
GRUMBLER German weapons!
(Change of scene.)
Scene 11
Suburban street. A proletarian crowd in front of a grocer’s shop. Policemen keeping order. A large notice is put up saying “Bread sold out.” The crowd stays put.
FIRST POLICEMAN Ain’t you seen it’s all sold out?
FIRST WOMAN IN THE CROWD I’ve been here since two in the morning!
SECOND POLICEMAN Move along there, please!
SECOND WOMAN Is that fair? We’ve been standing ’ere for eight hours and now they sed it’s sold out!!
FIRST MAN Smash his shack to bits!
SECOND MAN Just try! Ask him now if he’s any bread and he’ll box your ears so hard you’ll think the spire of St. Stephan’s is sugar candy.
THIRD WOMAN We pay taxes as well as them Jews, we wanna eat as well!
FOURTH WOMAN It’s all the fault of them Jews!
SHOUTS Hand over the bread!
SECOND POLICEMAN If you don’t move along, you’ll have to face the consequences.
FIRST POLICEMAN For resisting the law! You risk being arrested!
SHOUTS Phooey! Bread!
SECOND POLICEMAN We’ll lock you up!
SHOUTS Make ’im open up!
SECOND POLICEMAN You’ll get your coupons next week anyway.
FOURTH WOMAN Blimey, by then we’ll have kicked the bucket!
FIRST POLICEMAN You’ll just have to bite the bullet!
OLD WOMAN (leaves, shaking her head) Jesus, it’s pitiful! The menfolk they shoot and the women they starve!
FIRST POLICEMAN There’s only one thing for it — crowd disperse!
THIRD MAN All right, then, we’ll wait for the coupons. What chance of bread—
FOURTH MAN —when the baker’s cupboard is bare?
FIFTH MAN Too right, the baker’s cupboard is bare! (Scornful laughter. The crowd departs muttering angrily.)
GROCER (opens his door to a better-dressed woman, who has remained behind) Sneak in ’ere, lively like—
(Change of scene.)
Scene 12
Kärntnerstrasse. A big eater and a normal eater meet.
NORMAL EATER Well, how goes it, how have you survived the World War?
BIG EATER Please don’t talk about it, I beg you. Give me some of your bread coupons instead, I’m collecting them wherever I can.
NORMAL EATER Not likely! I haven’t enough for myself, even though I’m just a normal eater! But I can imagine you must be furious. I was saying to my wife only yesterday, this won’t suit Tugendhat at all, everyone knows Tugendhat is a big eater. We had just been reading an interesting analysis in the paper about how big eaters need more than normal eaters, just as normal eaters need more than little eaters.
BIG EATER Are you a little eater?
NORMAL EATER I wouldn’t say that exactly — middling — I’m a normal eater. But I’m not managing either. If it goes on like this, you can stuff your bloody war!
BIG EATER It can’t possibly go on like this. I’m known to be a big eater, I should have informed the authorities what I need every day.
NORMAL EATER But you must admit, that first day of bread coupons was a sensation. As an individual you can only go by your own impressions, of course, but you get a fuller idea of what it was like from the papers.
BIG EATER Yes, they went into detail. Sent a hundred reporters to all the restaurants. But in each one it was different. For instance, while the regulars at Leber’s got used to the new arrangement—
NORMAL EATER —the waiters at the Weingartl out in Grinzing had their work cut out—
BIG EATER —dealing with people curious to know — But in all the restaurants it was apparently the same in one respect: as soon as the head waiter pulled out his scissors to snip off a coupon—
NORMAL EATER —people wanted to be part of the action. No wonder, can you imagine a greater upheaval?
BIG EATER Yes, it’s terrible what we have to go through here.
NORMAL EATER Well, at least those in the trenches needn’t envy us.
BIG EATER I must actually admit, on the first day of bread rationing — it felt like the baptism of fire. The only difference being, with the baptism of fire you can wangle it. But with the bread coupons? Did you say you were a big eater—?
NORMAL EATER Middling. I’m a normal eater.
BIG EATER Yes, but me, I’m known to be a big eater, I really must say — you know — everyone I meet in Vienna asks me, they’re all curious what I’ll do—
NORMAL EATER I really sympathize, a big eater like you, when even a normal eater like me—
STARVING MAN (approaches them, stretches out his hand) Please, I’ve nothing to eat—
BIG EATER —and since I’m known to be a big eater — (they leave, deep in conversation.)
(Change of scene.)