ALL Your health, Dreckwitz! Good hunting!
(Change of scene.)
Scene 15
Office at a command post.
HIRSCH (enters singing to the melody of the “Carpenter’s Song” from Raimund’s Der Verschwender)
Hurray! The war is splendid fun,
And happy is the song I sing,
Tomorrow’s column’s almost done,
War reporting’s just the thing.
I might have grown up tall and strong,
And still not graced the field of glory.
[Exempted, you can earn a bomb,
You just write and file your story.]
Secondly, life’s much too boring
On the home front for a hero,
So I choose to do my warring
In the army’s posh Press Bureau.
By the trenches I’m not tempted,
That is such a mundane caper!
[So us hacks can get exempted,
Now I’m serving on the paper.]
Third and fourth, I’ll soon report
News of how the battle went.
How our valiant heroes fought
Is written from the rear, then sent.
Till victory is assured I’ll stay,
For that you have my word, we’ll win!
[As soon as I have had my say,
The enemy promptly packs it in.]
Fifthly, I can safely write
That we live in clouds of glory.
The way our valiant soldiers fight
Gives our guys their cover story.
Sixth and seventh and still counting,
Watching as the bullets pass,
[The cash I earn will still keep mounting,
As long as this great war shall last.]
(Calling into the next room) Major, if you see the general, tell him I’m going to interview him and all his staff! There’ll be no shirking today! (Exit.)
RODA RODA (enters singing, to the tune “O Tannenbaum”)
O Rosenbaum.
O Rosenbaum,
Writes for each classy paper,
He frets at base,
The front’s the place,
For an opinion shaper.
I have to see
With my own eyes,
Till I know all I need to.
If shrapnel burst
Should do its worst,
Then I’ll know how to bleed, too.
What do I care
For wife or child?
Or for my own protection?
With sons of toil,
’neath tons of soil,
My trench is just perfection.
Faced with the foe,
Cut out the talk,
Get in the right position.
No interviews,
They’d just confuse
My latest composition.
I once was under
Arms myself,
So I know who’s who here now.
I get around,
Cover the ground,
A source to make things clear now.
Though long ago
I had to quit,
The scandal drew attention.
They want to know
If I’m still fit,
For they all want a mention.
The military
Is home to me,
My battle news conclusive.
I scan each front,
As is my wont,
Then send my world-exclusive.
The Vistula’s
The place today,
Tomorrow the Isonzo,
And every day
I’m in the fray
As it goes on and on so.
The brigadier
Now says it’s clear,
The foe’s in total disarray.
But should it be
Their victory,
I’ll still just say we won the day.
I scarcely ever
Get back home,
I like it out here — oh ja!
A Rose may be
In my family tree,
But my name’s Roda Roda.
(Calling into the next room) Major, if you see the general, tell him the colonel needs to be transferred — he refused me a pass for Fort 5 in Przemysl. He doesn’t seem to know who I am. That’s no excuse, just the opposite. I’ll soon show those fine gentlemen what discipline is — got that? (Exit.)
(Change of scene.)
Scene 16
Another office.
GENERAL STAFF OFFICER (enters and goes to telephone) — Hello there, have you got the report on Przemysl ready? — Not yet? Ah, still sleeping it off — Go and see to it, otherwise you’ll be late again for the bash in the mess. Now look here — What, forgotten everything again? — Ye gods — Listen, and get it into your head this time — Main points: First, the fortress was absolutely worthless in any case. That’s the key point — How’s that? you can’t — What, you can’t get people to forget the fortress has always been the pride and joy of — My dear fellow, you can make people forget anything! So listen, the fortress was a dilapidated old ruin — What’s that? All the latest artillery? I’m telling you, a dilapidated old ruin, got that? All right, then. Secondly, do you hear, the loss was not due to enemy action, but to hunger, OK? And don’t put too much emphasis on inadequate provisions as a factor, you know, a botched job, everything in a mess, etc., play all that down if you possibly can. I know these factors will seem all too obvious, but you’ll find a way. Hunger is the main thing. Proud of suffering hunger, you understand! Not by hunger but by enemy action — damn, what am I saying — not by enemy action but by hunger! So, that’ll do — What do you mean, it won’t do? Because people will notice there were no provisions — what? — and will demand to know why there weren’t enough provisions? All right, then, you tackle that and say: impossible to pile up all the necessary provisions because then the enemy would get hold of them when he takes the fortress. How would he have got hold of them? By hunger? No by force of course in that case, don’t ask such stupid questions. Don’t you understand, when he takes the fortress by force, and we have provisions, then he’ll take the provisions. That’s why we mustn’t have any provisions, then afterwards he can’t take any provisions, instead he takes the fortress by hunger, but not by force. Go on, you’ll find a way, cheerio, I must get to the mess — I’ve no intention of surrendering to hunger — finito!
(Change of scene.)
Scene 17
Restaurant Anton Grüsser. In the foreground a gentleman with a lady. A man goes from table to table, continually bowing without speaking. In the foreground, left, at a table, the Grumbler.
FIRST WAITER Have you ordered yet, sir?
GENTLEMAN No, may I see the menu? (Exit waiter.)