SECOND WAITER Have you ordered yet, sir?
GENTLEMAN No, the menu, please. (Exit waiter.)
FIRST YOUNG WAITER Anything to drink, sir? Beer, wine—
GENTLEMAN No. (Exit young waiter.)
THIRD WAITER Have you ordered yet, sir?
GENTLEMAN No, the menu, please. (To a waiter hurrying past) The menu!
SECOND YOUNG WAITER Beer, wine—
GENTLEMAN No.
FOURTH WAITER (brings the menu) Have you ordered yet?
GENTLEMAN No. You’ve only just brought the menu. What’s ready?
WAITER What’s on the menu.
GENTLEMAN On the menu it says “May God punish England!” I can’t eat that.
WAITER Perhaps something freshly made? The gentleman might perhaps like—
GENTLEMAN Have you roast beef?
WAITER I’m sorry, today’s a red-meat-free day. I could conjure up a nice schnitzel for the lady, or a pork fillet, or perhaps roast goose—
GENTLEMAN First the hors d’oeuvres. What’s that — Choice Morsel?
WAITER It’s an appetizer.
GENTLEMAN I’ve already lost my appetite. Well, maybe — whatever’s that: fishy egg-oil sauce?
WAITER That’s a fish mayonnaise.
GENTLEMAN And what’s a Hollowed-out Puff-pastry?
WAITER That’s a vol-au-vong.
GENTLEMAN And a Mixed Dish: what’s that?
WAITER That’s a ragout fin.
GENTLEMAN Oh for goodness sake — bring that then — and afterwards, wait a minute — whatever is that: double rib of beef, stewed in its own juice, military style with manoeuvres, and a Dutch dip?
WAITER That’s an Entercut with Hollandaise sauce.
GENTLEMAN 52 crowns, that’s a bit steep, isn’t it!
WAITER Yes, but the gentleman shouldn’t forget we’re at war, and today’s a red-meat-free day.
GENTLEMAN All right, you might as well bring that. (Exit waiter.)
LADY You see, we should have gone to Sacher after all, that would only cost 50 there.
WAITER Have you ordered yet, sir?
GENTLEMAN Yes.
SECOND WAITER Have you ordered yet, sir?
GENTLEMAN Yes.
FIRST YOUNG WAITER Beer, wine?
GENTLEMAN No.
THIRD WAITER Have you ordered yet, sir?
GENTLEMAN Yes.
FOURTH WAITER (returning) I’m sorry, it’s off. (Crosses out almost all the dishes.)
GENTLEMAN But you only just—
WAITER Yes, but today being a red-meat-free day, it’s no wonder. Still, the gentleman could have two Lost Eggs, perhaps with a piquant sauce, that’s still on the menu—
GENTLEMAN Lost Eggs, what’s that? Who’s lost them?
WAITER (in a low voice) Oeufs pochés — that’s what they were called before the war.
GENTLEMAN Aha, and you think that renaming food is the way to win it? — No, wait — Turn-coat Noodles — what are they?
WAITER Italian Macaroni, of course.
GENTLEMAN Oh, of course — and Gangster Salad, what’s that then?
WAITER Salade Niçoise.
GENTLEMAN Ah yes, stands to reason. So — bring us: homemade offal with mashed potatoes and poached eggs, with spicy mixed vegetables, and afterwards, a fruit purée and two slices of Grüsser whipped-cream cake. What was that called before?
WAITER Grüsser tarte à la crème.
GENTLEMAN And why Grüsser?
WAITER After the boss. (Grüsser comes to the table, greets, and leaves.)
GENTLEMAN Who was that gentleman?
WAITER That’s the boss! (Exit.)
HEADWAITER Have you ordered yet, sir?
GENTLEMAN Yes.
MIDGET NEWSPAPER VENDOR (dashes from table to table) Fig-tree after fig-tree! Ex-tra-aa edi-shun! Italions heavily defeated! Fig-tree after fig-tree!
TWO GIRLS (with picture postcards and wearing War Welfare insignia, move from table to table) Please make your contribution to War Welfare—
FIRST YOUNG WAITER Bread, anyone? May I have the menu?
GENTLEMAN (looks about for menu) — ah, I don’t appear to have one.
TWO WOMEN (with picture postcards move from table to table) Contributions to War Welfare please—
MAN SELLING FLOWERS (hurries up to table) Would you like some flars?
WOMAN SELLING FLOWERS (from behind) Yellow — lovely yellow flars — for the lady?
WOMAN HAWKING NEWSPAPERS Ex-tra-aa edi-shun!
SECOND CUSTOMER (summons headwaiter) Hey, Finance Minister—!
HEADWAITER (bends over towards customer) Heard the latest, sir? What’s the difference between a Galician refugee and — (says the rest into his ear.)
SECOND CUSTOMER (his smile broadens until he breaks out laughing) Brilliant! But do you know the difference between a Red Cross nurse and — (says the rest into his ear.)
FIRST WAITER (with 18 plates) The sauce is for—? (He spills some over the lady.) Oh, my fault, paton!
THIRD CUSTOMER Who just said Pardon? You’ve a waiter saying Pardon in your good German establishment, Herr Grüsser!
GRÜSSER Herr von Wossitschek, you wouldn’t believe how difficult it is with these people today. If you say the least thing to them, they just quit, there are more than enough jobs going, they say. It’s a real cross I have to bear, the better ones are in the field, and these ill-bred ones left behind—
THIRD CUSTOMER Oh quite, quite, but—
GRÜSSER Pardon, Herr von Wossitschek, I must go and greet my customers. (Does so.)
THIRD CUSTOMER Pardon, pardon, don’t let me keep you.
REGULAR Evening, Grüsser, how’s it going? Hey, did you hear about Leberl, they’ve really landed him in it—
GRÜSSER But look at the prices he’s charging! And he’s not at all popular, either. But take me, I’m a celebrity here and I’ve never had the slightest difficulty.
REGULAR Come and join us, Grüsser.
GRÜSSER Gladly, in a moment, but I still have to do some greeting — (does so.)
REGULAR Yes, of course, off you go.
BAMBULA VON FELDSTURM (bellowing and thumping the table) Damnation, will I never get served today? You, over here!
WAITER Be with you in a moment, Major.
GRÜSSER What can I do for you, Major?
BAMBULA VON FELDSTURM What’s going on, landlord? Will I never get served today? The service here is not what it was, I’ve noticed that for the last year, where are all the waiters?
GRÜSSER Called up, Major.
BAMBULA VON FELDSTURM What? Called up? And why have they all been called up?
GRÜSSER Because there’s a war on, Major.
BAMBULA VON FELDSTURM But I’ve noticed it for a whole year, apart from those four, you’ve no waiters left. For an establishment this size! I’ve noticed it for a whole year.
GRÜSSER Since the war began, actually, Major.
BAMBULA VON FELDSTURM What? That’s scandalous! Just so you know, the other officers are all complaining, too, they’ll stop coming if it goes on like this. They’re all getting hot under the collar. Captain Tronner, Fiebiger von Feldwehr, Kreibich, Kuderna, Colonel Hasenörl, they’re all getting hot under the collar, only yesterday Husserl von Schlachtentreu of the 66th said, if it goes on like this—
GRÜSSER Yes, Major, wouldn’t we all like it to be over and for peace to come—
BAMBULA VON FELDSTURM What’s that, peace? — that’s enough of your pacifist whingeing — I was on the Emperor’s Manoeuvres — what if our commander in chief could hear you! — We’ve got to bite the bullet and hold on to the bitter end, my friend — there is no alternative! (A waiter hurries past.) Eyes right, you! Damned fellow, just wait, I’ll have him called up — See, what sort of service is that?!