GRÜSSER What did you order, Major?
BAMBULA VON FELDSTURM Nothing, just a sirloin, but with a nice bit of fat—
GRÜSSER I’m sorry, today is red-meat-free day.
BAMBULA VON FELDSTURM What? Red-meat-free? What newfangled nonsense is that?
GRÜSSER Well, we’re at war, Major, and so—
BAMBULA VON FELDSTURM Don’t talk gibberish. What’s the war got to do with you running out of meat, tell me that! It wasn’t like that before!
GRÜSSER Yes, but now there’s a war on, Major!
BAMBULA VON FELDSTURM (jumps up in a rage) You don’t have to keep rubbing my nose in it — you and your bloody war, I’ve had a bellyful! You won’t see any more of me and the other officers in your establishment — we’ll go to Leberl! (Storms out.)
GRÜSSER But — Major — (shakes his head) Bizarre!
THIRD CUSTOMER (to a waiter) There’s nothing at all? Not even a dessert?
FIRST WAITER Viennese turnover, cinnamon cookies, English custard tarts—
FIRST CUSTOMER What? English — now we’re at war?!
FIRST WAITER Left over from peacetime.
FIRST CUSTOMER Pull the other one! The bill!
FIRST WAITER The bill!
SECOND WAITER The bill!
THIRD WAITER The bill!
FOURTH WAITER The bill!
YOUNG WAITER (under his breath) The bill!
GRÜSSER (has gone to Grumbler’s table, greets him, bends over him with the dead man’s glassy stare, like the angel of death, only slowly becoming more animated, and says) According to the latest mineralogical reports the weather seems to be clearing, so custom should pick up again — you’ve been out of town, I’m sure, quite right, quite right — we’re all kept busy these days, aren’t we, good Lord this war, the misery, business is suffering, the middle classes, wherever you look — it’s still impossible to predict the consequences — even one of the gentlemen of the press, the minister’s right-hand man, said himself — bizarre — hm — but you seem to have lost your appetite today, what a shame, the very day we’ve got some nice brisket, all the gentlemen were saying how good it was, ah well, make up for it next time with a real delicacy, the merest sliver of the Grüsser special I keep for regulars — Leopold, clear the table — asleep again, the scallywag! — well good-bye, good-bye—
(The gentleman and lady in the foreground have fallen asleep.)
FIRST WAITER (rushes in) I’m sorry, I’m not serving anymore.
GENTLEMAN (waking with a start) Super — exempted? — Oh, I see. All right then, we’ll go. (Rises with lady.) Adieu.
FIRST WAITER Paton, permit me to point out, on your next visit, we are a German restaurang, so speaking French is not allowed — (wipes his brow with his napkin.)
GENTLEMAN Well, well—
GRÜSSER (behind them) Honoured-g’day-good-bye-and-thankyou-your humbleservant-myrespectsandcompliments-untilnexttime.
(Change of scene)
Scene 18
Vienna, Schottenring. Enter Frau Pollatschek and Frau Rosenberg.
FRAU ROSENBERG My dear Frau Pollatschek, the behaviour of our women is inexcusable! We who have set such a shining example of discipline expect our fellow housewives of Austria to keep it up, and limit the purchase of pork to Thursdays and Saturdays only. Our local groups will assuredly keep the flag flying. And that goes for lard, too!
FRAU POLLATSCHEK The Imperial Association of Austrian Housewives permits the sale of pork and lard on Thursdays and Saturdays.
FRAU ROSENBERG Exactly! We housewives of Austria were duty-bound to speak our mind in a question which touches on our vital interests. We of the IAAH could not stand idly by with folded arms and watch the machinations of the market as it set prices, especially the price of pork belly!
FRAU POLLATSCHEK What we need, above all now, is unity. Through unity to purity, that’s my slogan, especially for boiled topside of beef!
FRAU ROSENBERG And I would add, if my opinion in the matter could tip the scales, that we shall not be deterred by any terrorism. Per aspera ad astra, is what I say, at least as far as sirloin is concerned. We of the IAAH—
FRAU POLLATSCHEK See who’s coming, do you know them? Bachstelz and Funk-Feigl of the Central Association of Communal Kitchens in Vienna. They’d happily poison me with a spoonful of soup, the two of them.
(Greeting.)
FRAU BACHSTELZ My respects, ladies, we’ve come straight from the market hall, I wish you could have seen what’s going on there, especially with the delicacies!
FRAU FUNK-FEIGL In the communal interest, since we all must do our bit now the men are away, we took a deep breath and dashed down there, for we know when battle must be joined, unlike certain other persons, of whom I will say only this: If they do these things in our salad days, well then, venerable ladies, I can only say—
FRAU ROSENBERG My dear friend, I very much regret—
FRAU FUNK-FEIGL I’m not your dear friend, I’m on the committee of the CACKV and have just as much right as anyone on the IAAH! It’s easy to concoct regulations for our salad days, but afterwards? Wasn’t it Schiller who said: Life’s for the living, so plunge right inside—
FRAU ROSENBERG I merely wanted to say, I very much regret you’ve let yourself get carried away and become personal. I know very well your letter in the Neue Freie Presse today was pointedly directed against the IAAH, unmistakably, and written, moreover, at a time you still belonged to the IAAH—
FRAU FUNK-FEIGL That’s not true, I’ll tell my husband, he’ll take you to court!
FRAU ROSENBERG Go ahead! I can prove what I said is true. I’ll prove in open court that you’re a crank! At least you’ll hear the truth for once! You intrigued against the IAAH when you were still in it!
FRAU BACHSTELZ You’ll have to prove that!
FRAU POLLATSCHEK I tell you to your face, so just listen, this is not a time to indulge in personal vanity, and don’t you forget it! We’re not the ones addicted to a separatist tendency. If someone belongs to the IAAH, she must belong to it body and soul, our paper is the Morgen, and — do I really have to spell it out — the situation is much too grave, today when solidarity is half the battle!
FRAU FUNK-FEIGL You want to teach us solidarity! Someone who grew up in the back of beyond—
FRAU BACHSTELZ Typical IAAH! Slandering people behind their backs! We pinch and scrape in order to set a good example!
FRAU FUNK-FEIGL If you hadn’t intrigued, we’d still be in the IAAH. We had a knife held to our throats until we were forced to found the CACKV. I ran from pillar to post. Now I can guarantee that we’ll have some order, and I’m telling you today, if you start claiming our successes as your own, you’ll be knocking your head against a brick wall!
FRAU BACHSTELZ We pinch and scrape—
FRAU POLLATSCHEK Yes, so you can buy osprey feathers.
FRAU BACHSTELZ Prove that!
FRAU POLLATSCHEK Last Saturday, you were seen at the Volkstheater première in osprey feathers.
FRAU BACHSTELZ That’s infamous! You’re just singing the Agriculture Minister’s latest tune, you should be ashamed of yourself!