HER Let Spitzy go hang! What’s he got to laugh about! Spitzy only got where he is because of the World War. Before that, his name never appeared in the papers. But now? Every page, day in, day out, they fawn on Spitzy — it makes you puke!
HIM Von Spitzy! Surely he hasn’t been enobled — that’d be the last straw!
HER It’s enough to make you spit!
HIM He wants to be one of those twits.
HER Waiting for Spitzy! My gut feeling is he fancies he’s Spitzer.
HIM Give the man a medal — if it fits!
HER I said as much to the commissioner. Can’t do a thing, he says, that’s typical Vienna for you, he says. Look, he says, Spitzy — scuse me! — has got the press in his pocket, and besides, he helps with the provision of artificial limbs.
HIM That commissioner — I could tell you a thing or two about him!
HER For me he’s a pain in the neck.
HIM The contrast between the Gartenbau today, a military hospital, and when the war began — what a change of tune! When I think back to the Battle of Lemberg, you remember, when the Neue Freie Presse celebrated its jubilee, Mayor Weiskirchner sent his congratulations, only the other day I was telling Professor Sieghart—
HER You, telling Sieghart?
HIM You — you don’t remember — me talking to Sieghart? No one in the world would believe you! — Everyone saw it! — You don’t remember? How he came over to ask us to go on the subcommittee for support groups — you must remember, he had the idea of fund-raising for “Caviar for the People”, actually the idea came from that poet Kulka — anyway, I said to Sieghart, Excellency, I said, I don’t much care for the commissioner, I don’t care for the head of the clinic, and I don’t care for all that worthless crew. He doesn’t reply, but I can see he’s thinking it over. I say to him, Excellency, the situation is much too grave. Well, all I can tell you is, he didn’t say no. What’s behind it, I ask. He shrugs and says, “There’s a war on.” That told me all I needed to know. Now all I need—
HER If you hadn’t just stood there like a wally at the constituent assembly for the Valhalla Association, the whole thing would have been settled already.
HIM Excuse me, but that’s just the sort of occasion where I try to avoid being conspicuous. Everyone was sticking their neck out when the fellow from the Wilhelm Press Agency turned up—
HER And I was signalling to you to do the same!
HIM No, I tell you. You should know me better than that! It can’t be done in the public eye, so pin your ears back. Eisner, you wait and see, is capable of going up to see them one fine day and wangling it. But I’ve made up my mind — I’m just waiting for — the next opportunity — I could really get him into hot water — don’t tell anyone, but he let drop a derogatory remark about Hirsch!
HER Hold on, don’t stir up trouble! Don’t get mixed up in anything! I could do the same, but I’ve always held back, Flora Dub said things about Alice Schalek — said she throws her weight around during the battle, and things like that — I could drop a hint to General Odelga’s wife, I reckon she’ll be at the tea in aid of the invalids on Sunday — listen to me, Sigmund — don’t be so neurotic — you’re overstressed — I tell you, we’ll get there in the end! Pull yourself together — I bet you Friday is our big chance — surely you remember, the afternoon tea for our prisoners in Eastern Siberia. No listen, wait, even better — Saturday, the one for the German warriors! You’ll see, you’ll hit the jackpot! If not at one, at the other. Guaranteed! There’s no way we’re putting it off until the cabaret for the Navy League! Go and show them what you’re made of! Take a leaf from Haas’s book—Baron Haas! — him, not her — he’s only a goy, but what chutzpah! — I’m telling you! Now it’s make or break. Just don’t go acting the dummy on me again, do you hear! All they’re waiting for is for you to open your mouth. As I live and breathe — I can’t help feeling we’re already on the list as it is—
HIM You really think so — wouldn’t that be — it’s been a long, hard slog — too long — but what makes you think—?
HER Not just think — I know! You think it’s hopeless. I say, nothing’s hopeless! You’ve always been a pessimist about this war. I can’t tell you the whole story, but as you know, that Frankl-Singer woman on the Sonn-und Montagszeitung is a close friend of Frau Lubomirska, my lips are sealed. You should have seen Dub’s face when she saw me talking to her. How shall I put it, she was throwing a fit. Even Siegfried Löwy was nodding his head, so it was all as clear as daylight to me. It could be one of my greatest achievements if it comes off. Only, the sponsors of the soup kitchens mustn’t hear about it or the good ladies will blow their top — according to Polacco. Even today I had a feeling, it can’t be long now. You remember the commotion — when they all descended on that soldier on his deathbed — you know, the one who was kicking up a fuss because he thought his mother was downstairs but they wouldn’t let her come up, against the regulations, Hirsch even said his heroism will live on in the annals of history, he’ll headline it in the press — that’s when I had the feeling — when they were all gathered there — I was paying particular attention, I looked and quite distinctly saw the Lady-in-Waiting looking over at us, believe me, everyone was pointing us out — I wanted to catch your eye — but I had to keep watching that tall gentleman, in case he comes by — and then they started discussing again — just as Hirsch was making notes on the atmosphere, they were discussing the concert for the widows and orphans — that’s when I had the feeling again — I can’t help it — (close to him, hissing) if only you don’t become a shrinking violet! — now’s not the time! — any other time, fine, but for God’s sake, not now!
HIM (ponders a while, then resolutely) What’s on tomorrow?
HER (hurriedly sorts out invitations) Vienna aids Ortelsburg — that’s a drag, we’d better go, but we don’t really have to. Afternoon tea for the Injured at Thury’s, pointless, but can do no harm. Constituent assembly of the executive committee for the Sausage Day in aid of convalescent Tyrolean Chasseurs — I have to do that one, I’m their patroness. But wait a minute, here we are, War Welfare Bureau, musical tea, Fritz Werner will sing, I’m sure to get to talk to him, he really has influence—
HIM Says you!
HER I’m telling you, he has!
HIM Influence, ludicrous—
HER Oh yeah? Well, the big chief has just asked for his portrait. He’s a great admirer. He’s been to see Blood of the Hussars at least 50 times.
HIM He’s just a nodding acquaintance, no more.
HER So you know better! All right, then, let’s assume Fritz Werner has no influence, what about — listen — what about Spitzer? Even if I don’t set great store by people in general, I do rate Spitzer! Just look at the way they all show off when he turns up! Spitzer is the one who counts these days, people talk of nothing but Spitzer’s career! I tell you, we must strike while the iron’s hot, while we can still turn it into gold! No dithering now! Listen to what I’m saying — what’s this all for otherwise — pull yourself together, be a man! Make people like you! What is there to think about? You’ve always managed it before, why not now? So, grit your teeth and see it through to the end!