HIM (holding his head in his hands) It all flitted past so quickly today. Couldn’t cope — not a hope! I wasn’t in good fettle today. I felt something was wrong straight away. From the very start I noticed they took no notice of us, and at the end when they did notice us, I was too distracted to notice. I tell you, it’s my heart — Hochsinger insists I should take it easy. Take it easy, he says, take it really easy. But how can I — my God — go on, tell me, what were they all actually saying to Spitzer when he—
HER To Spitzer? But that wasn’t today! That was Sunday!
HIM For Heaven’s sake — the cross I have to bear — Sunday — my head’s swimming — all right, then — it would have been worse if I’d forgotten to speak to Sieghart, God forbid! So how, or what — anyway, tell me — about Spitzer, I want to know—
HER Sunday? Well, they were within a hair’s breadth of the commissioner — I was quite sure — how could you doubt it? Listen, it was staring you in the face! If that beanstalk of a nurse hadn’t poked her nose in, you know, the one with the weird idea of nursing all day long, everyone knows how unbalanced she is, just as I was about to go over to the bed, damn it, she shows up, I was only a step away—
HIM Wait a second! That was — wait — where were they standing? Wasn’t that when they were talking about launching a new appeal — I remember, a Gardenia Day or something along those lines, and they decided in aid of Viennese Fashion in the Home, or—
HER Exactly, Trebitsch even said he’d given 1,000 crowns anonymously—
HIM Pompous ass, everyone says so, now he’s posing as an intimate friend of Reitzes — you see, I’ve got it now, wait a second, of course I know! Don’t interrupt me, there was also, it’s coming back to me, there was also talk of taking shots in the hospital for the Sascha Film Company, that too makes me want to puke, so you see, I do remember! But one thing — where were they standing? The situation — we didn’t get through, that I know — we were forced back—
HER You don’t remember? I can see it now! At the bedside of the soldier—
HIM At his bedside — the one with his mother?
HER Come on, that was today!
HIM Wait a minute — the blind one!
HER Princess Blanka’s blind soldier? That was today!
HIM But when Archduke Salvator—
HER Salvator’s blind one — that was on Tuesday in the Polyclinic! The blind soldier, I can see the whole scene now! You remember — Hirsch had his notebook out—
HIM Excuse me, but that was while they were serving refreshments at the railway reception! When that divorcée, Löbl-Speiser, pushed in front of us—
HER Just the opposite, things were looking really good, if you’d only followed my advice and latched on to Stiassny.
HIM Stiassny? But that was at the Iron Warrior! You see, now you’re mixing things up!
HER (raising her voice) Me, mix things up! You’re mixing things up! The Iron Warrior? Who’s interested in the Iron Warrior these days?
HIM Wait a minute, then — at the bed of — why all these riddles, tell me the soldier’s name and be done with it.
HER Not after all that! Now you see how far you’d get if it wasn’t for me and my memory—
HIM You and your memory! What good is your memory to me! Bah — it’s a dog’s breakfast!
HER You’re tormenting me — here’s me run off my feet — and I have to help you remember as well!
HIM Stop shouting — I’ll throw it all up — I’m not going tomorrow — you can go to your soup kitchen by yourself — I’ve had it up to here — to hell with the whole war! — that’s all we needed — as if there wasn’t enough running around as it is — get out of my sight! — my patience is snapping! — as far as I’m concerned, you can go—
HER (screeching) You’re kvetching because you’ve no memory! You don’t remember who you say good-day to! You say good-day to people you don’t need to, and when you do need to, you don’t! Every time we walk along the Graben I have to keep prodding you! The work I’ve done for you — you — you know what you are without me? Without me, you’re a social nobody — you’re a nerd!
HIM (covering his ears, eyes raised to the ceiling) Don’t be so vulgar—! (After a pause, during which he walks up and down.) So would you now be so kind? — Have you calmed down? So tell me then—
HER No, why should I — Sunday — they’re all gathered round the bed — I go forward — they’re all—
HIM Wait! Let me finish — they’re all in the staff room—
HER (screeching) You’re tearing my heart out — as if you can’t count up to three — I’m run off my feet — from pillar to post—
HIM And I am grateful. I know it’s not easy.
HER Enough already! Don’t keep nagging me — you’ve got the message at last and can stop asking me questions — I’m the one who’s right, not you — I’ve already told you, they noticed us on Sunday — when they were gathered around the bed—
HIM Wot-d’ya-mean! Around the bed? — surely you’re imagining that—
HER As I live and breathe! At the bed of the soldier when the head doctor showed us everything—
HIM Ah — now I remember! Why didn’t you say so right away? The one who’d lost his feet from frostbite?
HER Yeah — and won a medal for bravery!
ACT III
Scene 1
Vienna. At the corner where the Kärntnerstrasse meets the Ring and people take their evening stroll. Masked figures and spectral apparitions all want to be part of the action. Romania has just entered the war on the side of the Entente.
FIRST NEWSPAPER VENDOR Ex-tra-aa edi-shun—! Venice bombarded! Eye-talians routed!
FIRST ARMY PROFITEER You should’ve read the Evening Edition, it leaves no room for doubt.
SECOND ARMY PROFITEER It was an authentic report?
SECOND NEWSPAPER VENDOR Ex-tra-aa edi-shun—! 100,000 Eye-talians killed!
FIRST ARMY PROFITEER I’m telling you: Kramer is to give guest performances in Marienbad from the first of the month — verbatim.
THIRD NEWSPAPER VENDOR Kragujevac conquered!
SECOND ARMY PROFITEER Thank God for that. Means my wife will be staying away a bit longer.
FIRST ARMY PROFITEER Your lovely lady?
FOURTH NEWSPAPER VENDOR Tagblatt, second edi-shun! German communiqué!
FIRST OFFICER (to three others) Evening Nowotny, evening Pokorny, evening Powolny — the very man! You know all about politics. Come on, tell us, what d’ya say to Romania?
SECOND OFFICER (with walking stick) Y’know, I say it’s just the same as with Italy — treachery!
THIRD OFFICER Yep — that’s spot-on.
FOURTH OFFICER Absolutely — I was at a bash in the mess last night—! D’ya see the latest Schönpflug cartoon? Fantabulous!
YOUNG GIRL Eight thousand Russians for 10 cents!
GIRL (waggling her hips, under her breath) Great Eye-talian fig-tree!
WOMAN (face bright red, comes running) Venice bombasted!
THIRD OFFICER What’s she shouting? Venice—?
SECOND OFFICER Gave me a shock, that — did it give you a shock too? — but it’s not our Venice in the Prater, it’s only the other one.