THIRD OFFICER Ah.
FOURTH OFFICER Go on, did you think our own lot—
SECOND OFFICER No, I thought maybe Italian planes, well, why not—
FIRST OFFICER Don’t be so lily-livered! Yesterday I got a postcard from the front, what d’ya say to that!
SECOND OFFICER From Fallota, I bet!
THIRD OFFICER What’s friend Fallota up to, d’ya know? Still the philosopher? Or has he seen a bit of real life by now? I must say, I see a lot of life these days in the War Ministry.
(Enter two devotees of the Reichspost.)
FIRST DEVOTEE OF THE REICHSPOST We’ve already come to terms with the demands made on us by the God of War. We’ve managed to bear those burdens so far, and are firmly resolved to go on bearing them, with a will, through to a successful conclusion.
SECOND DEVOTEE OF THE REICHSPOST The war also bestows blessings. It inculcates its lessons with vigour, licking the nations into shape with an iron rod.
FIRST DEVOTEE The war dispenses benefits too, it awakens man’s noblest virtues, wresting Promethean energies of light and fire from the heavens.
SECOND DEVOTEE The war truly bestows life and light, it is mighty in its admonishments, a harbinger of truth and well of knowledge.
FIRST DEVOTEE What a wealth of virtues this war has already revived, virtues we thought sunk in the mire of materialism and egoism that defines our age.
SECOND DEVOTEE Have you already signed the war-loan pledge?
FIRST DEVOTEE Have you?
BOTH TOGETHER We’ve already come to terms with the demands made on us by the God of War. (Exeunt.)
REGULAR SUBSCRIBER TO THE NEUE FREIE PRESSE (in conversation with the oldest subscriber) That’s interesting: today’s Presse says tomorrow’s edition of the official Hungarian Gazette will announce the conferment of the title royal counsellor on the chief clerk of Ignaz & Son in Budapest, Emil Morgenstern.
OLDEST SUBSCRIBER Amazing news! (Exeunt.)
CRIPPLE (two stumps and open-mouthed, one hand holding shoelaces, the other newspapers, in a hollow staccato) Ex-tra-aa edi-shun—! Half of Serrbia totally conquered!
THIRD OFFICER Serbia totally—?
POLDI FESCH (to a companion) I was planning to go out partying with the Sascha Film people tonight, but — (exit.)
FOURTH OFFICER That’s nothing, didn’t you hear, 100,000 dead Eyeties taken prisoner! (Two disabled war veterans hobble past.)
SECOND OFFICER Nothing but draft dodgers wherever you look. Makes you almost ashamed to be in Vienna.
(Older age group of conscripts march past, singing “In der Heimat, in der Heimat da gibt’s ein Wiedersehn”—)
THIRD OFFICER Know what, let’s go along to Hopfner’s!
FOURTH OFFICER It’s dead today. Always the same tarts—
FIRST OFFICER (leaving) Romania, y’know — that’s no joke — know what I think, though, we can count on the Germans to — (exit.)
FIFTH NEWSPAPER VENDOR Ex-tra-aa edi-shun—! Fig-tree on all fronts! Romanians advancing!
CABBY’S VOICE “There’s a war on, it’ll cost you 10 times that!”
(Change of scene.)
Scene 2
In front of our artillery positions.
ALICE SCHALEK Isn’t that one of our unsung heroes, the common man at the front? He’ll be able to tell me in simple words what the psychology of war is. His job is to pull the string that ignites the fuse on the firing pin of the mortar — ostensibly a simple task, and yet, what incalculable consequences for the arrogant enemy and for the Fatherland are attached to this crucial moment! Is he conscious of that? And can he rise to the occasion, spiritually? Admittedly, all those sitting comfortably back home know about fuses is that they sometimes blow out, nor do they have any conception of what heroic possibilities the common man at the front, the very one who ignites the fuse on a mortar — (she turns to a gunner.) So tell me, what do you feel when you pull that string?
(The gunner looks puzzled.)
Well, what insights does it give you? Look, as an example of the common man, one of our unsung heroes, you surely must—
(The gunner is struck dumb.)
I mean, what are you thinking when you fire the mortar, you must be thinking something, so what is it you’re thinking?
GUNNER (after a pause, during which he sizes Schalek up) Damn all!
ALICE SCHALEK (turning away in disappointment) Call that an example of the common man! He will remain unsung! (She continues along the front.)
(Change of scene.)
Scene 3
On the Isonzo front. A command post.
Enter Lieutenants Fallota and Beinsteller.
FALLOTA (eating) Y’know, I just picked up this crumpet, wanna share?
BEINSTELLER (takes it) Hump it, eh? Good for you. Still up for it!
FALLOTA Y’know, say what you like, but our lot really do look after art — make sure nothing happens to things worth seeing — monuments and curiosities and what have you. I was just reading in the Deutsches Volksblatt—look, here it is — a report from the War Press Bureau: The Italian and French papers are spreading the tendentious falsehood that our troops and the German troops in the occupied parts of Russia are turning Greek-orthox — ordox sanctuaries, such as churches and monasteries, into restaurants, cafés, and cinemas. This assertion is a wilful fictitious libel. It is a truth universally acknowledged that our troops — and the same holds true for our allies — always treat churches and monasteries on enemy territory with the greatest piety. In our army, the respect due to places devoted to religion is an irrefutable fact, one that none of our soldiers has violated, even in this war. — So there you have it, in black and white.
BEINSTELLER Just shows you, the lies people tell in wartime.
FALLOTA Y’know, I can vouch for that, I was once myself in a cinema in Russia that had previously been a church — and I tell you, you couldn’t see the slightest trace of any devastation — impleccable!
BEINSTELLER Sure, there were a few Jewish cemeteries — I saw them myself — all a bit of a shambles, and the gravestones they’d helped themselves to. But what we did in Greece to the orthodox sanctuaries, I wasn’t there, so I can’t say.
FALLOTA Y’know, it would be a fine thing if everyone were as crapulous when it comes to works of art. I read in the paper, look, here it is, in the Journal de Genève, the lead article—
BEINSTELLER Farticle. (Laughter.)
FALLOTA —calls for all Swiss citizens to sign a petition to His Majesty, appealing to his benevolence and magnanimity, to vouchsafe protection for works of—
BEINSTELLER arty farty. (Laughter.)
FALLOTA —works of art in Italian territory occupied by the Central Powers. Then comes an editorial comment — look at this, superb! — : “Such petitions may be justified when the Entente occupies territory. When we do, they are superfluous. For we are a civilized people.”
BEINSTELLER Of course we’re a civilized people, but what good does it do — we tell them a hundred times, but still they moan that we’re the barbarians.