FALLOTA Y’know, we’ll soon knock it into their heads. When we stroll into Venice!
BEINSTELLER (sings)
As victors into Venice we go,
The statues and pictures make quite a show.
The pretty pictures we’ll use for ignition,
When it rains we’ll sit under a Titian.
Wham! Bang! Kaboom! Grenades! Perdition!
FALLOTA Where d’ ya dig that up?! That’s quite a song—
BEINSTELLER Don’t you know it? That’s the battle song the volunteers sing in the Imperial Rifles. There are lots more verses, they get better and better, I have it somewhere, I’ll write it out for you.
FALLOTA I’ve one for you, too. The Macaroni March—know it?
BEINSTELLER I’ve heard of it, in the Austro-Hungarian 10th Army’s War Journal, including the music — but unfortunately that issue’s out of print.
FALLOTA No problem, I know it by heart, listen. Y’know what “tzing” and “pang pang” signify?
BEINSTELLER Sure, those are the sounds a repeating rifle makes—
FALLOTA OK, and “takka takka”?
BEINSTELLER That’s the report from a Mannlicher M95.
FALLOTA All right, I see you’re in the picture — so listen:
Takka takka, pang pang, tzing, how we made those bullets sing!
Takka takka, pang pang, tzing, how we made those bullets sing!
The cowardly wops we shot stone dead,
The others turned around and fled.
Takka takka, pang pang, tzing, how we made those bullets sing!
Macaroni’s off the menu,
The battlefield’s our only venue.
Takka takka—
D’Annunzio and friend Sonnino,
Drown ’em in a vat of vino.
Takka takka—
Emmanuel, no Victor he,
His number’s up, for treachery.
Takka takka—
We’ll thrash you till you howl and shriek
To punish your infernal cheek.
Takka takka—
Trieste’s ours, hands off! or you
Will end up beaten black and blue.
Takka takka—
The Tyrolean mountainside
Is also where we’ll tan your hide.
Takka takka—
Through Villach think you to advance?
You cheeky monkeys, not a chance!
Takka takka—
Your harbours are all overflowing
With ships we’ve sunk, the number’s growing.
Takka takka—
So there they lie, those dirty rats
Have had their noses all squashed flat.
Takka takka, pang pang, tzing, how we made those bullets sing!
BEINSTELLER (who has accompanied each verse with gestures and exclamations, enchanted) Takka takka, pang pang, tzing! I love it! Yes — yes — y’know, humour like that is only possible in German, it doesn’t work in their idiotic languages, it’s beyond them!
FALLOTA Not to mention the humour at the front — in the same issue — you simply must read it for yourself!
BEINSTELLER Hang on a minute, d’ya know this one? — I collect them, you know. (Produces a notebook.) Look, it’s in the War Journal of General Linsingen’s Army Group in the Carpathians: “A Happy Man.” Field Grey (whose adored one has accepted his proposal of marriage): Believe me, beloved, I’ve never felt so happy since the day I was deloused.
FALLOTA (doubles up) Say, have you come across the latest collection, The Louseleum?
BEINSTELLER Of course.
FALLOTA Hang on — d’ya know this one? I collect them, y’know. (Produces a notebook.) Look, it’s in the War Journal of the 2nd Army: “Carry on!” A recruit who’s only been at the front for a few weeks has to answer a call of nature—
BEINSTELLER In a hurry, couldn’t wait, the son of a bitch.
FALLOTA Hang on, wait for the punch line. So, he has to relieve himself and goes to the latrines, right up against the main village street. Two second-lieutenants pass by. Our recruit is in two minds what to do. Finally he gets up, stands to attention and salutes as per regulations. The first officer laughs and says: “As you were, carry on!” What d’ya think, that’s one for the folks back home!
BEINSTELLER (doubles up) Hang on — d’ya know this one? It’s from the 10th Army War Journal, more delicate, innocent-like, y’know, but funny with it. Hence the headline: “Out of the mouths of babes and sucklings.” I have a full beard. One day I’m going for a bit of a walk and run into this really sweet little nipper of three or four. I look at the young gent — he looks at me. Suddenly he sticks his hand out: “Mister”, he says, “why have you so much hair on your face?” Signed Zois.
FALLOTA (doubles up) That’s Zois for you, he’s a sense of humour all right!
BEINSTELLER The way he edits the War Journal, it’s a real pleasure to read. Even his name is funny — Baron Michelangelo Zois — Michelangelo—
FALLOTA Y’know, that’s a painter, some Italian or other, but Zois is not related, take it from me.
BEINSTELLER The very thought — related to an Eyetie!
(Change of scene)
Scene 4
In Jena. Two philosophy students meet.
FIRST PHILOSOPHY STUDENT I tell you, laddie, it’s a wonderful life! The victor of Jutland has been made an honorary doctor of our university!
SECOND PHILOSOPHY STUDENT Doubtless for what he said about that great romantic poem.
FIRST Eh?
SECOND What, you mean you didn’t know? His comment on that submarine poem!
FIRST What, you mean the poet prophesied that—?
SECOND No, no, not the original poet, I mean, the famous lines:
I wandered lonely o’er a sub
That lurks beneath the tranquil seas,
When all at once I heard a thud,
A crash to make your pulses freeze.
No trace now of the English fleet:
We’re doomed to slumber in the deep.
FIRST Divine!
SECOND The sort of thing some English captain might say, but it’s actually by our greatest romantic poet, isn’t it?
FIRST What about Admiral Scheer, then?
SECOND Scheer said he was bowled over, thought it was terrific, and hopes the English captain’s fears will soon be realized.
FIRST Amen to that! I can see now why a university as illustrious as our beloved Jena would want to make such an award — and wouldn’t Schiller have been pleased! It was just after our vice chancellor had summoned one of those odious pacifist boobies and read out the ban issued by the General Command on any such activities. And did you read our vice chancellor’s speech at the Philosophy Week conference in Bad Lauterberg? Very nice it was! I’ll tell you this, things are looking up. What was it General Kluck said? “Let us blow the enemy’s brains out with a bullet to the heart!” His very words, and now Scheer is an honorary doctor of the University of Jena.
SECOND Schiller was a field surgeon. On the other hand, alas, there’s Hindenburg’s sheer philistinism.
FIRST True. Since Königsberg awarded him an honorary doctorate after he taught those Pan-Slav scum a lesson — well, of course, they had to, for appearances’ sake — but apart from that? Not a peep from him—
SECOND Yes, well, the occasional catchword, perhaps—“Give ’em a good kicking!” or “Once more into the breach!”
FIRST Though maybe that’s not one of his.
SECOND Ah, but here’s a phrase he’s just coined: “Be on your guard against wimps!”
FIRST Only the University of Berlin could have — put like that, it’s totally lacking in your typical German vigour.