(Change of scene.)
Scene 10
A chemical laboratory in Berlin.
PRIVY COUNCILLOR PROFESSOR DELBRÜCK (muses) For some time now the English papers have been at it yet again, spreading all sorts of disinformation about the German population’s allegedly poor level of nutrition. It doesn’t exactly reflect any enthusiasm for war among the English people if their spirits have to be repeatedly raised by spreading such news, all of which is flagrantly contradicted by the facts. Medical opinion has made it explicitly clear that current wartime diet is beneficially wholesome, to which can be attributed the steady decline in the incidence of illness among both men and women. Not to mention nursing infants, who are provided with perfectly adequate and exemplary care. Even the Official German News Agency has to acknowledge that our hospitals are much less full in wartime than in times of peace, and that the simplified style of living has had directly beneficial effects on the health of many. It is now my intention, in the 66th general meeting of the Association of German Spirits Manufacturers, to explain that we owe this success primarily to mineral nutritive yeast. (Adopts an orator’s stance.) The protein content of mineral nutritive yeast, which determines its nutritional value, is mostly obtained from urea. Gentlemen! We are witnessing here a triumph of pure intellect over base matter. It is chemistry which has made this miracle possible! A development already initiated in 1915 was taken up afresh with great success: the substitution of urea for sulphated ammonia in the production of yeast. Gentlemen! If urea can be used in this fashion, the further possibility presents itself that urine and liquid manure might point in the same direction. (Exit.)
(Change of scene.)
Scene 11
Meeting of the Cheruscan Society in Krems.
POGATSCHNIGG, KNOWN AS TEUT As Wotan is my sworn witness, the days are fast approaching when food and drink shall again be in plenteous supply, when we shall savour once more a succulent fillet of pork, rich in fatty crackling, breathe in the aroma of roast potatoes nicely browned to a turn in genuine butter, the real thing, with tasty little gherkins sweetly sprung from the elysian fields of Znaim, washed down with a draught of John Barleycorn’s dark nectar from Kulmbach country in bounteous Bavaria (shouts of Hear! It sounds like “Ear! Ear!”) — a wholesome rye loaf, kneaded and baked to melt in your mouth, and a toothsome salad! Proud-hearted Vindobona, home of the Nibelungs on our great, ancestral river, Vienna will hold out till the end, that’s our slogan! (Shouts of Yes we can!) Our glorious attack on the Eyeties has been crowned with success, we can be confident those villainous Abruzzi have been expelled for ever from Tyrol’s imperishable peaks! (Shouts of Ear! Ear!) We are equally confident that the Muscovite bear shall slink home wounded, licking its bleeding paws! Followed by the Jewish rabble, reeking of garlic, that claim to be our compatriots! Yes, indeed! (Shouts of Bravo! Hail Teut! Hail Pogatschnigg!)
A VOICE The dirty yids! (Laughter.)
FRAU THERESA POGATSCHNIGG (takes the floor) Never hasting, never wasting — as the fine old German saying goes. Wasn’t it Barbara Waschatko, that most German of Germans, who said in the Ostdeutsche Post: Sewing socks for soldiers, we saw the old year out. Sewing socks for soldiers, we’ll see the New Year in! Never have our thoughts been closer to those out in the field than now, when snow vies with rain and ice and we ask ourselves what is hardest for our valiant warriors: the red globe of the sun suspended in a cold February sky, or the water trickling into the trenches, ceaselessly, dismally — drip, drip, drip. (Shouts of Ear! Ear! Splendid!!) But as women we cannot help smiling amidst the tears, and even in pain, we still make no secret of our need to be beautiful. Did not Cleopatra, too, put on all her finery to die? (Shouts of How true! Splendid! Good old Aunt Tracy!)
WINFRIED HROMATKA (junior member) Honourable brother and sister Cheruskians! As a representative of the Young Cheruskians, it is not only my duty to renew our oath of loyalty, pledging to continue the struggle forced upon us to its victorious conclusion, that is to say, to the last breath of man and mount. (Shouts of Ear! Ear!) For, honourable Cheruskians, a German peace, as our past master Hindenburg so aptly said, is not a soft peace. (Cries of Hurrah!) No, it also our duty to honour our Valkyries who bring comfort and consolation to our heroes, as whose noblest representative I would like to salute my honourable colleague, the previous speaker. (Ear! Ear!) Defy the enemy to the end, but the fair sex we must defend! Long live Frau Pogatschnigg! (Shouts of Hurrah! Good old Aunt Tracy!)
KASMADER (rises) Honourable brothers and sisters, fellow Cheruskians! We have heard German words today that truly speak straight to the heart. As a representative of the German postal workers I would like to make a suggestion concerning self-restraint, given that the German household, encircled by British envy, French hatred, and Slav malice, is now more than ever reliant on self-satisfaction. (Shouts of Splendid!) In this connection I would like to suggest that female domestic staff in German households should be released from service in order to free up more German combatants for the army. They would, moreover, acquire new ways to do their bit for the Fatherland. All German women, old and young, will naturally, when peace comes, hand back the posts they have occupied all the more willingly to the returning heroes, since they are greatly indebted to them for the protection of German hearths and homes. (Shouts of Splendid! Ear! Ear!) Only when there are insufficient numbers of the latter are female resources to be engaged for this purpose. But these would be richly repaid by the uplifting feeling of having added their little contribution on the home front to what has already been achieved. For in truth, each and every one of us here on the home front participates in the struggle, ready and willing to make the greatest sacrifice. And so I conclude with the exhortation: See it through to the bitter end! In the words of a poem of my own making: (shouts of Quiet! Listen!)
Save on soap! No, I’m not joking,
(Shouts of “Quite right!” “Bravo Kasmader!”)
Even better: no more smoking! (Laughter.)
Heavy overcoats I’d ban, (Shouts of “Boo!”)
With collars made of Astrakhan,
Knee-length leather boots are out, (Shouts of “Boo!” “Eyetie fad!”)
That’s a fashion you can flout. (Shouts of “Quite right!”)
Each coin you spend is one too many,
The Fatherland needs every penny!
(Shouts of “Ear! Ear!” The speaker is congratulated.)
ÜBELHÖR (rises and reads from a sheet of paper)
You ask me what’s my heart’s desire?
The only thing that I’d require
Is made of breadcrumbs, fine and white—
A dumpling, that’s my heart’s delight!
(Laughter. Shouts of “Me too!” “Ear! Ear!”)
HOMOLATSCH (rises, stares straight ahead through his gold-rimmed spectacles, and says with index finger raised)
My wife — my child — my home — all three—
Earth’s finest — thank you, Germany!
(Sits down quickly. Shouts of “Ear! Ear!” “Bravo Homolatsch!”)