Round your neck: a rosary!
At the enemy then fling them,
Sap their spirit, watch them flee!
“Watch on the Rhine”, our fervent prayer,
Will strike a wrathful chord.
Those praying hands, now claws, shall tear
In shreds the Gurkha horde,
For we are the Chosen People,
Hangmen’s henchmen for the Lord!
So look around you and pray, as witnesses to the wonders of the Lord: Deliver us, O Lord, to Paradise!
(Change of scene.)
Scene 18
Pilgrimage church.
SEXTON Here you see an interesting devotional gift, presented to our church by two soldiers who fought at Col di Lana: a rosary with beads made of Italian shrapnel bullets. What they are strung on is barbed wire. The cross is cut from the rotating ring of a burst Italian grenade and has three Italian rifle bullets as pendants. The Christ figure has been made from a shrapnel bullet. On the back of the cross are engraved the words: “In gratitude. In memory of the war in Italy. Cima d’Oro, 25.7.1917. A. St. and K. P. from Lana.” The rosary weighs some two and a half pounds, so for prolonged prayer it needs a strong hand. Would you would care to try, ladies and gentlemen?
VISITOR (trying) Whew! — Can’t do, far too heavy.
(A church bell rings)
SEXTON Listen! It’s ringing for the last time. It’s about to be taken down. Shrapnel bullets are being turned into rosaries, and church bells into cannons. We render unto God what is Caesar’s, and unto Caesar what is God’s. That’s what I call give and take — everyone doing his bit.
(Change of scene.)
Scene 19
Constantinople. A mosque. From behind the curtain can be heard raucous laughter.
FIRST VOICE What, they expect us to put on these big straw slippers? Well I never! Divine!
SECOND VOICE Hey, look at that beardy-weirdy with the Quran there—
(Enter, noisily, two young men, representing Berlin business interests. They keep their hats on. Behind them, silently, head lowered and hands hidden in his wide sleeves, the Imam.)
FIRST Y’see, that’s what a mosque looks like — so behave yourself, my dear Fritz, and respect the customs! (Laughter.)
SECOND So, here we are in a mosque, with a fully functioning Imam, too — divine!
FIRST Tip-top!
SECOND Weird and wonderful! (Hands in pockets, they slide around in their straw slippers, losing them continually and each time breaking out in raucous laughter.)
FIRST Y’know, when we gain a firm foothold here, they’ll soon see their feeble economy put in order — and how! (He bumps against the other.) Fritz, watch out—
SECOND Not exactly overrun, this place, is it? You see more people in the Metro. Only the one in this whole vast space, and even then it’s a female — (he points to a lady and gives the other a nudge) — missed out there, eh! — You likka Zuleika? — (Laughter.)
FIRST (warbles) Sailing down the Bosphorus, d’ya think she — gives a toss for us?—
SECOND (about to burst out laughing) You’re telling me! — If only we could, God Almighty! — Behave yourself!
FIRST Do you think of a full moon or a half moon when you look at her? (Both burst out laughing.)
SECOND They’re a good-natured, easy-going little people — maybe just a bit too easy-going, yes, altogether too easy-going — well, we’ll soon lend them a helping hand, show ’em what discipline is. It’s not a lost cause yet. We’ll swing it somehow. (Loud laughter. He makes a parody of greeting the Imam, who is standing some way off.) G’day!
FIRST Morning! (The Imam makes several attempts in mime to draw attention to their headwear.) Look at that — what’s he getting at, the buffoon?
SECOND The man’s deaf and dumb — (they laugh and give each other a shove.)
IMAM (to the lady) Tell them they are in a house of prayer.
LADY (going up to them) The Imam asks me to tell you that you are in a house of prayer, so would you be so kind as to take your hats off?
FIRST Why, of course, if that would give him a kick — Morning! (they greet and laugh.)
LADY May I suggest you keep your voices down a little; you surely wouldn’t laugh out loud in a church either.
SECOND (laughing loudly) No, but what’s this place got to do with a church?
LADY This is a house of God, after all.
FIRST Ye gods — this grotesque pile?!
LADY At least don’t offend the feelings of those for whom it represents all that is sacred!
SECOND Huh, these kismet cranks couldn’t care less about all that. Fine, we’re off. Morning! (They leave, ranting away and laughing loudly.)
IMAM (to the lady) Don’t let their childish foolishness upset you; as surely as God smiles at them, let us do likewise.
LADY They mean no harm.
IMAM God gave the Europeans science, the Orientals majesty. But these young men have not attained the spiritual state of those who walk in the shadow of the Most High.
(Change of scene.)
Scene 20
Editorial office in Berlin.
ALFRED KERR (at his desk, composing a Romanian song) I’m f … finished. I mean, my R … Romanian song. (He reads aloud)
In remotest hamletescus
Tinkle Russian baksheeshescus,
Greasing palms of glad turncoatskis
And our leaders with banknoteskis.
Breaking all the normal groundrules
Means we’re branded rotten scoundruls,
Set to swallow Hungarescu,
Win back Saxon Transylvescu.
Cry Triumphul! — an eruption
Fills this cesspit of corruption.
Its capitul is Bucharescu,
Its women dirty and grotescu.
But, alas, we get a thrashing,
Germans, Bulgars, both come dashing
Through Dobrudja, won it backul,
Tutrakan, too, woe! alackul!
We fell for it, so more fools we,
God knows if that was meant to be,
From sitting on our high horsescu,
We’re for a kicking, or worsescu!
A … art is my m … muse and it b … butters my bread. In its p … pursuit I risk the r … risible with r … rotten r … rhymes. My fame and f … fortune to prolong, this was my R … Romanian song.
In wartime Alfred Kerr insists
On writing for the Nationalists.
But Kerr’s no idiotic hack,
The Liberals will take him back.
Bingo!
(Change of scene.)
Scene 21
Consultation room in Berlin.
PROFESSOR MOLENAAR (to patient) Yes, it’s heart disease. You’ve little hope of being passed fit for active service — a nice state of affairs. You see what comes from smoking! In spite of the High Command’s orders, people are still smoking throughout the land. There can be little doubt that immoderate smoking in general, and specifically that of young people puffing away prematurely, has so far cost the country at least two army corps in this war. It’s shocking how many comparatively young men have heart disease and are consequently cut off from military service, marriage, and procreation. In the interests of our Army Reserve, a ban on smoking is urgently needed. Leaving aside the issue of whether tobacco is more beneficial or harmful in war itself — say, when going over the top — it’s certain that hundreds if not thousands of nonsmokers have endured the strains and rigors of service in the field just as well as smokers. After all, war was waged for millennia before the discovery of tobacco. So how did people manage then? The quantity of fumes on battlefields today is incalculable! Is it really necessary? It is well known that outstanding army commanders such as Count v. Haeseler, Conrad v. Hötzendorf, and Mackensen are declared opponents of tobacco. And have they not endured the strains of service in the field just as well as the smokers? I’m thinking especially of Falkenhayn, Boroevic, and Hindenburg. As we know, death for the Fatherland deprives the army of the services of many young people. That’s why the vice of smoking is so deplorable: it prevents people from being killed in battle or even procreating new recruits. You, young man, have contracted heart disease, so you have little hope of being found fit for active service. Don’t take it to heart. It may get better. There’ll always be wars. That said, your lungs seem to be affected as well. Take a deep breath. (He listens.) You can breathe again — it’s out of the question. A desk job at best. That’ll be 20 marks.