Scene 22
Office at a command post.
GENERAL STAFF OFFICER (on the telephone) — Hello, have you got the report on Przemysl ready? — Not yet? Ah, still sleeping it off — Go and see to it, otherwise you’ll be late again for the bash in the mess — yes, it is on — Now look here — What, forgotten everything again? — Listen, here are the main points: Everyone knows we lost Przemysl because our garrison was at starvation point, remember? — now the situation is quite diffic — different — the enemy succumbed to our superior strength, no way did he succumb to hunger, the enemy was never starving! Only we were! The Russians always had plenty of provisions — but they couldn’t withstand the vigorous assault of our brave troops, stands to reason — the force of our attack — Moreover: the fortress is completely undamaged, we took possession of it intact — and all the latest artillery — What? We can’t make people forget — just old junk? No, no, of course we don’t say that anymore! My dear fellow, you can make people forget anything! Just listen, and don’t mess it up — a modern fortress, the very latest — old Austria’s pride and joy — retaken in perfect condition. Not by force but by hunger — dammit, what am I saying! Not by hunger but by force! Go on, you’ll find a way — as long as you make people believe it — you won’t have any trouble this time — so, ’bye! End of story!
(Enter two old generals.)
FIRST Ah yes, the Germans! Now they’ve made Falkenhayn a Doctor of Philosophy! That doesn’t happen to the likes of us, though.
SECOND But excuse me, there’s Boroevic—
FIRST Yes, yes, but it doesn’t happen to the likes of us.
(A journalist passes by.)
FIRST Honoured, my dear sir!
JOURNALIST Excellency! Good to meet you — I need to pick your brains — what’s the news from Brody?
FIRST From Brody? — Why, what’s happening at Brody?
JOURNALIST I mean, what about the battle at Brody?
FIRST So there’s been a battle at Brody? You don’t say!
SECOND Holy Mary!
FIRST A battle. Well I never! So you want to know — (after some thought) Y’know what? We’ll pull it off.
JOURNALIST (in haste) So I can report: At Brody we’re still holding on—? No wait, y’know what I’ll write? I’ll write: “Brody no longer scarified!”
(Change of scene.)
Scene 23
Headquarters.
ARCHDUKE FRIEDRICH (reading) — And so — I conclude with the words: His Majesty, our Supreme Commander, hip-hip, hip-hip — (turning the page) hooray! (Cheers. After an interval during which, his teeth bared in a smirk, he surveys a line of young officers, his gaze coming to rest on one of them) Ah — that’s — Buquoy, I see! He — already has — a medal! (After an interval during which his gaze continues the inspection and comes to rest on another) And — him there — that’s a Buquoy as well! He’s — got — a medal, too! (A pause while he ponders) Now — two Buquoys — have a medal!
ADJUTANT (approaches the army commander in chief and reports) Your Imperial Highness, the Vice Chancellor of the University of Vienna along with the Dean and Pro-Dean of the Philosophical Faculty are in attendance and most humbly beg permission to present Your Imperial Highness with the Honorary Doctorate of the Philosophical Faculty.
(Change of scene.)
Scene 24
Enter two devotees of the Reichspost.
FIRST DEVOTEE OF THE REICHSPOST Have you read Our Dynasty in the Field? Hats off, that’s some book! It shows the members of our Imperial House are directly involved in the war, and a sequence of charming photographs depicts all the princely warriors who stand shoulder to shoulder with the common soldier in the field, sharing his trials and tribulations. It begins with the Supreme Commander.
SECOND DEVOTEE OF THE REICHSPOST What, you mean His Majesty, our noble—?
FIRST You didn’t let me finish. It’s true that considerations of age and health prevent him from tarrying with his Field Greys astride his charger, as he loved to do in years gone by—
SECOND Get away! — When was that?
FIRST You didn’t let me finish. As he loved to do in years gone by on manoeuvres. But no one could be more intimately involved with the war than this supreme soldier, the head of our imperial forces, whose love and concern, day and night, is for the army out in the field — his army, which is essentially his creation, in all its glory and fighting power. But all his soldiers, too, his brave men, are ever conscious of this, in the midst of raging battles they sense the blessed presence of his loving fatherly care. So y’see, it’s true he does feel a shared comradeship with the common soldier out in the field, with all his trials and tribulations. You really must be a fool, if you can’t see that!
SECOND And what about his successor, the next in line? What has the author got to say about His Highness, Archduke Karl?
FIRST The most charming episodes. His nonchalance while standing on a hillock under enemy artillery fire, smiling and talking to the men as he studies the map.
SECOND His humour and high spirits have an electrifying effect on all around.
FIRST It boosts the fighting spirit of the firing line tenfold. What a surge — no further stimulants necessary!
SECOND What about our generalissimo, Archduke Friedrich?
FIRST The mastermind? The brains behind the battle, sitting bent over maps night after night with the Chief of the General Staff, Baron Conrad? The troops’ faith in him is limitless. “He can handle it, our Field Marshal”, that’s what they say.
SECOND Of course he can handle it.
FIRST Y’know what they call him?
SECOND Quite simply “the Father of the Forces”, what else?
FIRST Exactly. The author of Our Dynasty in the Field—I tell you, the things he’s experienced! I happened to be standing nearby, he says, in a small group under cover of a hill, and in the company of this unkempt veteran, a seasoned campaigner, he says, one of that almost extinct breed — weather-beaten, hard as nails, y’know the type? He was looking at the generalissimo in the distance as well. I saw in his gnarled face—