SECOND Hold on, how’s that possible?
FIRST No, he was the one saw it, not me—
SECOND But who had a gnarled face, then?
FIRST The old campaigner, of course!
SECOND Ah, the old campaigner, that’s a different kettle of fish.
FIRST So, the author of Our Dynasty in the Field spotted the gnarled face of the old campaigner twitching, and him obviously trying to suppress it. Then he passed his weathered cavalryman’s gauntlet over his eyes, and they were glistening with what looked suspiciously like—
SECOND Aha, signalling, was he? Politically suspect—!
FIRST You didn’t let me finish — suspiciously like tears! And said with more feeling than he’d ever betrayed before: “The Father of the Forces …” (He sobs.)
SECOND (also moved) Just so. And what about Josef Ferdinand?
FIRST His heart belongs to his soldiers, every one, and every soldier’s heart is his. A military commander of incomparable renown and a simple, faithful comrade, worshipped by his men to the point of idolatry. Thus shall he be remembered in the immortal annals of this war.
SECOND Nice one! And Peter Ferdinand?
FIRST Ah — quite phenomenal! Chasing the enemy from the high ground, steadfastly on guard, undaunted by the snowstorm — those episodes made an enormously stirring impact.
SECOND Of course, but what about Archduke Josef?
FIRST A hero! The soldiers say he’s invulnerable.
SECOND Get away! — I suppose that’ll be why he thinks his soldiers are invulnerable too, and thought a bit of machine-gun fire from behind would—
FIRST Wash your mouth out! They all idolize him, Hungarians and Swabians, Romanians and Serbs — every one of them.
SECOND What, the Serbs too?
FIRST You can say that again! There were heartrending scenes, they say. But you can hardly even hint at that.
SECOND And what about Eugen?
FIRST The noble Teuton knight!
SECOND And Max?
FIRST A dashing young man!
SECOND And Albrecht?
FIRST Young as he is, he’s already sharing all the soldiers’ hardships — the mud and filth of the roads, the sodden clothes, dire lodgings, rotten bread — he shares it all with them.
SECOND Those are our action heroes. What of our angels of mercy?
FIRST There’s a description here of the imperishable glory Archduke Franz Salvator has earned with his stupendous organizational efforts for the Red Cross; then there’s a depiction of the sublime example of public welfare set by the Archduchesses Zita, Marie Valerie, Isabella, Blanka, Maria Josefa, Maria Theresa, Maria Annunziata, and many other members of the Imperial House. Admiration is bestowed in glowing terms on the blessed, self-denying, heroic activities of Archduchess Isabella Maria.
SECOND What about Leopold Salvator, then?
FIRST He’s done his bit.
SECOND You’ve left out a few.
FIRST Archduke Karl Stephan displays ceaseless endeavour, Archduke Heinrich Ferdinand carries out onerous missions as a mounted messenger, Archduke Maximilian has entered military service and, like Archdukes Leo and Wilhelm, Franz Karl Salvator, and Hubert Salvator, has been made a lieutenant, and they are all undaunted.
SECOND Truly a rich laurel crown!
FIRST This book, which can lay no claim to completeness, will hold a place of honour in the literature of this war.
SECOND (sobs.)
FIRST What’s up?
SECOND I’m thinking of the hospital for amputees.
FIRST Come on, that’s no reason to cry, old chap, war is war y’know—
SECOND I do know that — and that’s not the reason, it’s because—
FIRST What is it, then? What’s the matter?
SECOND (crying) It’s because you don’t let me finish. I’m thinking the whole time about Archduchess Zita in the hospital for amputees! For the casualties, the 8th of May was a day of joy, one to make up for many an hour of pain. I often heard the words ringing in my ear: “If only Archduchess Zita would pay us a visit!”—“If only I could see Archduchess Zita!” At last the longed-for day arrived. The great bright building was all in a quiver with joyful expectation. The imperial motorcar drew up at a quarter to 10 in the morning, and the Archduchess got out. A new convoy of casualties had arrived that very minute (he sobs).
FIRST Yes, but that’s no reason to — war is war y’know, old chap—
SECOND I know — it’s only because of Zita — Well — with incomparable charm the young Archduchess addressed each of the new arrivals. The weather-beaten faces, which pain and suffering had marked with many a furrow, lit up and beamed. Germans and Hungarians, Poles and Czechs, Romanians and Ukrainians, all felt a new unifying bond binding them more intimately together once more.
FIRST Ah yes, it’s a nice story, all those artificial limbs—
SECOND A shared joy made their hearts beat faster. The great lady, in whom they recognized their Empress-to-be, took a lively interest in each and every one, and when patients were brought forward who had had both feet replaced with artificial ones on which they moved briskly — (he cries.)
FIRST Enough, enough, war is war!
SECOND Oh, I know that — it’s on account of Zita! Well, as they moved forward briskly, the Archduchess’s gaze followed them, and there was a glimmer of joy in her eyes. And they all forgot their sufferings, their pain, feeling nothing but springtime, hope and joy. When Zita left the hospital around one o’clock, the glowing and smiling expression remained on their faces, with delighted pride in their hearts.
FIRST I see what you’re getting at. A war like this one is a passion. If someone has the good fortune to end up in a hospital for amputees, and it so happens that Her Imperial Highness bestows on him—
SECOND Yes, he can talk of his good fortune — but y’know, that’s only a halfway house! Not everyone has the privilege of dying for the Imperial Dynasty—!
FIRST No, my friend, not everyone can be so lucky! One mustn’t hope for too much. We shouldn’t have ideas above our station.
(Change of scene.)
Scene 25
In front of the War Ministry.
FIRST YOUNG MAN Hi! Where are you going?
SECOND YOUNG MAN Up there.
FIRST What for?
SECOND To wangle my exemption. What about you?
FIRST Me too.
SECOND We may as well go together. (Exeunt.)
(Change of scene.)
Scene 26
Ringstrasse.
FIFTY DRAFT DODGERS (enter, all pointing at each other) They should take him!
Scene 27
In front of the War Ministry.
FIRST YOUNG MAN Hi! Where are you going?
SECOND YOUNG MAN Up there.
FIRST What for?
SECOND Import. What about you?
FIRST Export.
SECOND We may as well go together. (Exeunt.)
(Change of scene.)
Scene 28
Ministry of Defence. A captain is sitting at a table, in front of him a civilian, standing.
CAPTAIN Look, as to whether you can be exempted or not, the simplest thing is to consult the statutory regulation. Then you can convince yourself, I’ll do you a favour, so listen: “The Austro-Hungarian Ministry of Defence ruled by the decree of 12 July 1915, no. 863/XIV, acting in concurrence with the Austro-Hungarian Ministry of War, that in consideration of the war situation at that time — as similarly decreed by the directive of the said Austro-Hungarian Ministry of 13 January 1915, Section XIV, no. 1596, modifying that of 1914, finalized by the decree of 18 January 1915, code number 1068, as promulgated on the subject of preferential treatment (as family provider) according to articles 31 and 32 of the Conscription Act — the certificate of proof, in accordance with Article 109, Section I, Paragraph 1, and Article 121, Section I of the Military Code, Book I, June 1915, relating to the continued existence of the conditions justifying preferential treatment, in accordance with Articles 30, 32 (applicable to farmers) and 82 of the Conscription Act (Article 32 from Military Code of 1889), is hereby abrogated with immediate effect, whereby the above-mentioned preferential treatment — in accordance with Article 30 and Article 32, and coming into effect, according to Article 108, Section I, Paragraph 2 of the Military Code, Book I, when proof of the continued existence of the said conditions has been produced within the prescribed time limit — are for the time being to be considered still applicable.” So there you are — but now you must excuse me, others are waiting, OK? So, good-bye—