(Change of scene.)
Scene 37
Subscriber to the Neue Freie Presse and Patriot in conversation.
PATRIOT No bathroom in Downing Street! What d’you say to that!
SUBSCRIBER What can I say, the edifice is crumbling.
PATRIOT No bathroom in Downing Street!
SUBSCRIBER Yes, and to whom do we owe this disconcerting discovery? To Him!
PATRIOT Certainly, though you have to admit it was in fact Mrs. Lloyd George who made the disconcerting discovery.
SUBSCRIBER Yes, all right, but our editor in chief broke the news!
PATRIOT Yes, and y’know what follows from that with compelling logic?
SUBSCRIBER He’s made no secret of it: British prime ministers, who have lived in Downing Street for a hundred years or more, have either done without the luxury of a bath or had to use public baths.
PATRIOT Serves them right, filthy beasts, I’m glad to hear it.
SUBSCRIBER And mark you, not like here in Austria, because of the war — no, they put up with the filth for over a hundred years!
PATRIOT Asquith lived there with his family for nine years.
SUBSCRIBER So he didn’t take a bath for nine years, him and his whole family.
PATRIOT Well, you can’t quite say that. Perhaps they went to the public baths.
SUBSCRIBER But that was never reported! Or did you ever read—
PATRIOT Not that I remember.
SUBSCRIBER There you are, then!
PATRIOT But y’know what might have been the case? OK, there’s no bathroom in Downing Street. OK, it’s been established they never went to the public baths either — but it doesn’t follow from that that they never bathed at all for a hundred years.
SUBSCRIBER Why not? It seems to me you’re something of a sceptic!
PATRIOT Look, He’s written that the Lloyd George woman discovered it, when they moved in. Well, if she discovers something like that — what will she do in the future?
SUBSCRIBER How do I know? No business of mine!
PATRIOT She’ll presumably do what the Asquith woman most probably did as well—
SUBSCRIBER And what did she do?
PATRIOT What did she do? She probably did what everyone did who has lived there for a hundred years.
SUBSCRIBER So what did they do?
PATRIOT What did they do? Well, is there a bathroom in Schönbrunn?
SUBSCRIBER So what’s there, then?!
PATRIOT Well — from what they tell me — though I’m not saying for sure — but let’s suppose — has the Emperor not had a bath for a hundred years, or do you think he goes to the central baths?
SUBSCRIBER A fine patriot you are! But why talk about that, I’d sooner you told me what they did in Downing Street.
PATRIOT What they did? Any fool can tell you that — they sent the maid to fetch water, and she made the tub ready and splish-splash they plunged in.
SUBSCRIBER (puts his hands over his ears) All the soap bubbles are bursting! You’re taking away any illusions I had left!
PATRIOT Well, that’s only a guess. In fact, I rather suspect myself that the Editor’s right — they either never bathed at all or were forced to use the public baths.
SUBSCRIBER And what I say to you is: they never bathed at all! End of story! Poincaré is shocked and Lloyd George humiliated. The English and the Germans are to meet in Stockholm.
PATRIOT What’s that got to do with it? What’s the connection? You’re getting to sound like Old Biach.
SUBSCRIBER And you, you should recognize that’s how editorials always finish!
PATRIOT Of course — I know that! Y’know what I think? The edifice is crumbling.
SUBSCRIBER You don’t need to tell me! But it’s not because of the water pipes! There’s not a single bathroom throughout the Entente, is what I hear.
PATRIOT Hmm, that’s an exaggeration, didn’t you read about the Tsarina in the bath?
SUBSCRIBER Yes, but it’s common knowledge she had to share it with Rasputin!
PATRIOT Y’know what I’m dying to find out?
SUBSCRIBER What? I’m dying to know.
PATRIOT Whether there’s a lavatory in Downing Street! Or were they forced to do without the luxury for a hundred years, or to go to a public convenience? Gott strafe England!
SUBSCRIBER You ain’t seen nothing yet! (Exeunt.)
(Change of scene.)
Scene 38
In a railway compartment.
FIRST SALES REP Isn’t the new operetta delightfuclass="underline" I Had a Loyal Comrade?
SECOND SALES REP Seen it. I’m an agent for “Hindenburg” honey flycatchers, motto: “You won’t find any better.” What’s your line?
FIRST War chocolate “Diana.” Pictures of our army commanders on the wrapper. Try some — (Opens his case of samples.) Before that I was a big gun in various sales branches.
SECOND Don’t mind if I do (he eats.) Extraordinarily delicious. Incidentally, I also do patent foods. For instance, Hygiama—
FIRST Go on, you do Hygiama? My hearty compliments!
SECOND (opens his case of samples) Try some—
FIRST I will. Ah, it comes with instructions. (He eats and reads):
If the fleeing French you’re tracking,
Catch and give ’em a good whacking.
A kicking’s what the Brits deserve,
They pay their soldiers, what a nerve!
And if you spot the Russian bear,
Take a potshot at its lair.
(But keep your distance, if you please,
The ugly brute just swarms with fleas.)
Fantastic!
To do such deeds, in scale Byronic,
We recommend a healthy tonic.
These iron rations please do buy,
For food supplies may soon run dry.
Our pills are not for recreation,
But they will save you from starvation.
So keep them for emergencies,
Since pills like these don’t grow on trees!
You suck them slowly, but don’t chew,
Then fire your rifle as you do.
They’ll still your hunger, slake your thirst,
In place of meat and bread and wurst.
So savour every one in turn,
The victors’ health is our concern.
Then kindly send us a report
Saying how valiantly you fought.
Dr. Theinhardt’s Nutrient Laboratory
Stuttgart-Cannstadt
The verses are as wholesome as the product. Marvellous packaging! Aren’t we Germans a poetic people, say what you like, there’s no denying it.
SECOND Aren’t we just! They can’t compete, those Brits, just a nation of shopkeepers! It’s made in Germany all over, even if not in so many words — a surefire hit. For the Fatherland and for business, and when everything’s at stake, the poets give the salesman a break. Y’see, I can even get it to rhyme.
FIRST Are these delightful verses your own, then?
SECOND No, no, my firm only uses first-class poets. I’m not even sure who, in this case.
FIRST At a guess Presber, or perhaps Bewer?
SECOND I really don’t know. At any rate, our Field Greys will be amused. When the German seriously puts his mind to it, humour can really come into its own. Helps you fire your gun and keeps you healthy. Anyone from your firm among the fallen?
FIRST Certainly, the boss’s son paid the ultimate price for the Fatherland. Here’s the obituary.
SECOND (reads) “—With his far-ranging commercial vision he was quick to recognize the great objectives of the struggle, and it was with joy he took to the field for the glory of the Fatherland. The Fates have now blocked the way so lovingly paved for him with faithful toil.” Donnerwetter! Fantastic packaging!