(Two wounded soldiers limp past in the direction of the tree-lined walk.)
FRAU KOMMERZIENRAT WAHNSCHAFFE But now I must see that everything’s in order. We’re using the new-formula ersatz soap Child of War for scouring today. (She spots the wounded soldiers.) Not again! That really is tiresome! If they don’t see the sign, I’m going to report them to the chairman of the local council.
(The two stop at the sign, then turn round.)
FIRST WOUNDED SOLDIER So where now?
SECOND WOUNDED SOLDIER Back into battle. That’s still allowed. (They limp off.)
(Enter a nursemaid with a three-year-old boy, who’s picking his nose.)
NURSEMAID Master Fritz, aren’t you ashamed of yourself! Just wait, I’ll tell Hindenburg!
(Fritz, terrified, removes his finger.)
(Hänschen meets Trudchen.)
HÄNSCHEN Gott strafe England!
TRUDCHEN (looking him right in the eye) Amen to that!
(They go off, shoulder to shoulder, striking up Lissauer’s Song of Hate.)
(Hans Adalbert, three years old, meets Annemarie, aged two and a half.)
HANS ADALBERT I hear you’ve signed up to the War Loan.
ANNEMARIE Certainly, I thought it my duty. From the conversations of grown-ups I gathered just how very significant the War Loan was, so I put my foot down (she stamps her foot and gesticulates forcefully) that I would not just play “Sign the War Loan”, but do it in good earnest. Since I had set my mind on it, my parents withdrew everything in my savings account, 657 Reichsmarks, and—
HANS ADALBERT with collateral, or without?
ANNEMARIE With collateral, of course!
HANS ADALBERT Blimey!
ANNEMARIE That should be a lesson to you all.
HANS ADALBERT Only a scoundrel would deny it!
(Enter August and Guste.)
GUSTE England will be forced to its knees within two months.
AUGUST You think so? I’m no defeatist, but what about America?
GUSTE Shady customers, as we know!
AUGUST Our mood is solemn, but—
GUSTE —sanguine! (Exeunt.)
(Enter a nursemaid with a three-year-old girl, who is picking her nose.)
NURSEMAID Mieze — look out, if the General Staff see you doing that!
(Mieze, terrified, removes her finger.)
(Klaus meets Dolly.)
KLAUS We were encircled, any child knows that by now.
DOLLY British envy, French revanchism, and Russian rapacity — yes, we know. The question of war guilt is self-evident. Germany wanted a place in the sun.
KLAUS Europe was a powder keg.
DOLLY The Belgian treaty — a scrap of paper. (Exeunt.)
(Walter meets Marga.)
MARGA My father signed the protest of leading intellectuals justifying the invasion — the Manifesto of the Ninety-Three. But he said he hadn’t read it, just signed it blind. What about your father?
WALTER My father did read it.
MARGA And what did he say?
WALTER That he would still sign it. (Exeunt.)
(Little Paul meets little Pauline.)
LITTLE PAUL Bethmann Hollweg is clearly open to the idea of a compromise peace.
LITTLE PAULINE Tirpitz would give that the thumbs-down.
LITTLE PAUL Me too. What about you?
LITTLE PAUL Impossible! I’d shoot that idea down right away! (Exeunt.)
(Enter Jochen and Suse.)
JOCHEN What we need above all is colonials. I’ll tell you this, if we don’t improve our overseas trade, Germany will have lost out from the war.
SUSE Hard cheese! What we’ve got to do is to annex some of mainland Europe. We need Belgium as an air base and, say, the Briey basin for ore mining, otherwise—
JOCHEN What you’re talking about is the bare minimum! (Exeunt.)
(Mother between little daughter and a gentleman.)
MOTHER Well, Elsbeth, don’t you want to play?
LITTLE DAUGHTER Naw.
MOTHER Go on, dear, go and play.
LITTLE DAUGHTER Naw.
MOTHER What a strange mentality for a child! Why ever not?
LITTLE DAUGHTER This gives us an advantage over the English, and that’s why they envy us.
MOTHER Oh, do listen to this — tell us why, sweetie. Why do the English envy us? Tell Uncle, Lizzikins!
LITTLE DAUGHTER The English envy us because we’re racing ahead while they’re falling behind. That’s because the Germans go on working after work, while the English enjoy games and sport.
MOTHER Golden words, Elsbeth. No, nobody’s going to force you to play any more, Elsbeth. A child like that puts one to shame.
GENTLEMAN Out of the mouths of babes and …
MOTHER I’m going to write and tell the Berliner Zeitung.
GENTLEMAN No, it would make a better contribution to The Child and War anthology — children’s sayings, essays, descriptions, and drawings. (Exeunt.)
(Father and little son.)
SON Papa, there’s a report in the Berliner Zeitung from the Wolff Agency that the war has brought about a very welcome decline in infant mortality, at least in urban Germany; statistics for rural areas are not yet available, they say, but one can well imagine that conditions there are even more favourable. The war has actually become a source of rejuvenation. But Papa, I can understand that infants are not being killed by the war — after all, they haven’t yet reached an age at which they can serve the Fatherland — but can you please explain, Papa, why the war has actually reduced infant mortality?
FATHER The fall in the birthrate caused by the war—
SON Oh don’t talk nonsense, then surely there would be fewer infants, not more—
FATHER Now just pipe down! In any case, the fall in the birthrate caused by the war has been offset, at least partially, by the healthier diet infants now enjoy.
SON Oh rubbish — in wartime the diet’s lousy! How can infants lead healthier lives now than in peacetime? Where would you get the milk from?
FATHER That’s enough, now, I don’t want to hear another squeak out of you, you pint-size little runt!
SON Heh! You can’t still call me that—
FATHER Hold on — why not?
SON Pint-sized! For heaven’s sake — I’m old enough to have forgotten what a pint of milk looks like!
(The father gives him a clip round the ear. Exeunt.)
(Another father with his little son.)
FATHER That’s it, my boy — how is it Schiller puts it in Wilhelm Tell: Hold fast your Fatherland in firm embrace, your dear Fatherland!
SON Papa—
FATHER Well?
SON Has the Fatherland got dearer now, too?
FATHER Prohibitively so, my boy, prohibitively!
(Change of scene.)
Scene 41
Optimist and Grumbler in conversation.
OPTIMIST The Neue Freie Presse is right to praise Count Berchtold for doing the decent thing, now he’s no longer in office, and setting off for the Italian front, sabre in hand, to face the sworn enemy who frustrated his policies.
GRUMBLER You mean the treacherous ally that General Conrad has been wanting to attack for years now? As for Berchtold, his action is right and proper and may well work out to our advantage, although, as you know, I’m pessimistic about the potential of sabres in this war. But if, unexpectedly, Berchtold should not find an opportunity to meet the sworn enemy face to face, since the latter is not invited to the staff binges of the Austro-Hungarian Army, our former Foreign Minister will at least have done his duty; for volunteering is his way of wangling it.