OPTIMIST —are those of our enemies?
GRUMBLER No, we ourselves. With our enemies we share only the stupidity of making one and the same god responsible for the outcome of the war, instead of ourselves for the decision to wage it. As far as the statesmen of our enemies are concerned, they can be no more stupid than ours, for that would defy nature.
OPTIMIST Of ours it can at least be asserted—
GRUMBLER —that we would save ourselves from fighting wars if we were to send them to the front, for that is somewhere you will never find Berchtold and his ilk. But far from the front as they are, we are even further from a state system like that of the Spartans, also known for seeing things through to the bitter end. They exposed their cretins on a mountaintop in the Taygetus, while we put ours at the summit of the state and in the responsible diplomatic posts.
OPTIMIST Though there, in many cases, they are—
GRUMBLER —not responsible!
(Change of scene.)
Scene 42
During the Battle of the Somme. Gateway to a park in front of a villa. A company marches past into the first line of trenches as if in knowledge that they are marching to their death.
CROWN PRINCE (at gateway to park, dressed for tennis, waves to them with his racquet) Give ’em hell!
(Change of scene.)
Scene 43
War Ministry. A room facing the Ringstrasse. A captain sits at his desk; before him stands a civilian in deep mourning.
CAPTAIN Well, what else do you want? It’s simply impossible to keep records in such cases. How can we know if someone is dead, or wounded, or taken prisoner? Go and enquire in the Italian War Ministry, my dear fellow! Well then! What else do you want us to do? It’s really quite incredible, the things people expect of us!
CIVILIAN Yes — but—
CAPTAIN My dear man, that’s all I can tell you. Anyhow, it’s almost three, we’re surely entitled to a little consideration, office hours are over. It really is the giddy limit. — Well, what else? — Look, just between ourselves, what I will say is: you haven’t heard from your son in six weeks, so you can safely assume he’s dead.
CIVILIAN Yes — but—
CAPTAIN There’s no but about it! Where would we be if in every such case — this sort of thing happens thousands of times, as you can well imagine. There’s a war on, my good man! Civilians have to do their bit as well! Look at us sitting here! We’re standing up to be counted, each of us at our post! And besides, my good man — you must know anyway, but I’ll tell you again in confidence, and don’t quote me — for a soldier there can be no higher ambition and no richer reward than to die for your country. So, good-bye, honoured, I’m sure—
(The civilian bows and leaves.)
(Change of scene.)
Scene 44
Kastelruth, South Tyrol. Nighttime, after a farewell party for officers of a machine gun detachment. Some are lying under the table.
SECOND-LIEUTENANT HELWIG More — more — more food! And wine!
WAITRESS It’s almost two, Lieutenant, the kitchen—
SECOND-LIEUTENANT HELWIG More wine, I say!
WAITRESS We’ve closed, Lieutenant — there is no more!
SECOND-LIEUTENANT HELWIG Hey — you — cornet—! (He seizes the duty officer’s service pistol and shoots the waitress dead.)
WAITRESS Jesus, Mary, and Joseph! (She collapses.)
ANOTHER SECOND-LIEUTENANT But Helwig — what have you done? Don’t be so careless! They can confine you to barracks for that!
(Change of scene.)
Scene 45
A Viennese night spot. The night after the second seizure of Czernowitz by the Russians. Officers, barmaids, night owls, Red Cross officials, Polish legionaries, waiters, performers. The little Nechwatal salon orchestra and the Miskolczy Jancsi gypsy band.
ROLF ROLF, IMPROMPTU POET (is composing a poem, half-singing, and extemporizing with well-known quotations and homages to the military types present)
The legionaries have done their stuff,
That’s only natural when you’re tough.
(Shouts of “Bravo! Bravo!”)
D’you know — come to think about it—
My heart’s at ease once more—
That lady there — must be delighted—
She’s diamonds and pearls galore!
Our German soldier here, now let me see:
Two grenadiers heading for France.
But today — you’ll agree — in all honesty,
We’re hard up — with holes in our pants!
(Laughter, shouts of “Aha!” “Bravo! Bravo!” As two officers enter, the little orchestra strikes up: “Hoch and Deutschmeister Are We, the Emperor’s Fourth Infantry.” Everyone sings along.)
FRIEDA MORELLI (the chanteuse appears and sings, alternately clasping her hands to her bosom and reaching out to the audience)
Ah, Vienna, my heart is thine!
Berlin, too, is very fine!
A lieutenant there — a real charmer—
(runs a finger across her upper lip)
Could woo a girl, and then disarm her,
He’s one I might have invited …
But best not get overexcited,
Or even adventuresome—
It’s too easy to succumb!
So Vienna, my heart is still thine,
Though Berlin is also so fine!
(Shouts of “Bravo! Bravo!”)
A VOICE Rosa, we’re off to Lodz!
(The music strikes up this tune, later switching to “The Dear Old Gentleman in Schönbrunn.”)
HUNGARIAN CATTLE DEALER (to proprietor) Fantastic, what you have on offer here!
PROPRIETOR Yes, I pride myself that we’ve a first-rate ensemble. Anyone who visits my establishment must admit that the notice advertising a 42-cm Mortar Review delivers what it promises.
HUNGARIAN CATTLE DEALER It certainly does, a 42-cm mortar is child’s play compared with your programme!
PROPRIETOR Even the enemy would have to admit it’s gone down a bomb.
HUNGARIAN CATTLE DEALER A bomb! Bombs are mere tiddlers compared with such smash hits!
PROPRIETOR Well, Commercial Counsellor, sir, by way of thanks for such flattering recognition, let me straightaway offer you a special homage.
(The orchestra strikes up the “Rakoczy March”, then, after the cattle dealer has smashed a champagne bottle, the “Radetzky March”, during which one of the officers smashes a champagne bottle, upon which the “Prince Eugene March” strikes up, followed by the “National Anthem.” All the clients and the bar girls stand up and remain standing during “Hail to Thee in Laurels Crowned”, which follows, and, finally, “The Watch on the Rhine.” The cloakroom and washroom attendants have appeared in the hall and join in the homage.)
GRAIN MERCHANT (shouts across the hall) Long live the Special Relationship!
ALL Hurrah! Hurrah! Hurrah!
PROPRIETOR (to one of his regulars) Do you know the gentleman who just shouted?
REGULAR Of course, Commercial Counsellor Knöpfelmacher — from the Chamber of Commerce.
(Proprietor rushes over to gypsy band, which strikes up “I Had a Loyal Comrade.”)