leaving a trace of his immortal mission
as words of wisdom far too good to miss.
So harken to the man’s exalted vision,
and let the cosmos hear his Faustian creed—
DRUNKARD (rooted to the spot, his words accentuated by rhythmical body language)
Make me immortal with — a piss! — like this! — sheer bliss!
ACT IV
Scene 1
Vienna on the eve of the American declaration of war. At the corner where the Kärntnerstrasse meets the Ring. Masked figures and spectral apparitions, arm in arm, in groups of five. Hollow mirth alternates with deep, brooding silence. A gaggle of young bucks stand glaring eyeball to eyeball at one another as if linked together by some secret. The crowd moves, when it moves at all, between rows of civilians, cripples, disabled veterans, their heads and limbs constantly twitching, all kinds of wrecks and freaks, male and female beggars of all ages, the blind and the sighted, who stare vacantly at the empty show. Here and there bent figures searching for cigar butts on the pavement.
FIRST NEWSPAPER VENDOR Ex-tra-aa edi-shun—! Eye-talians annoyilated!
SECOND NEWSPAPER VENDOR Ex-tra-aa edi-shun—! Note from President Woolson!
FIRST OFFICER (to three others) Evening Nowotny, evening Pokorny, evening Powolny — the very man! You know all about politics. Come on, tell us, what do you think about America?
SECOND OFFICER (with walking stick) All bluff!
THIRD OFFICER Yep — spot-on.
FOURTH OFFICER Absolutely — I was at a bash in the mess last night—! Did you see the latest Schönpflug cartoon? Fantabulous!
FIRST OFFICER Y’know, I think it’s just an American publicity stunt — that kind of thing.
FOURTH OFFICER Business is all they want — so it said in the paper. Bizniz!
THIRD OFFICER Y’know, when they do arm, it’ll be against China.
SECOND OFFICER What are you talking about? Against Japan!
THIRD OFFICER Or Japan, of course, same thing — I always get them mixed up.
SECOND OFFICER Bluff, I say. In the first place they can’t, because of the U-boats—
FOURTH OFFICER Of course, especially now we’ve intensified the attacks on their merchant shipping.
SECOND OFFICER And y’know, if they do come across — one regiment of ours will easily take out their divisions — child’s play, my friend! Rat-a-tat-tat and that’s that!
THIRD OFFICER High time we had some peace and quiet.
SECOND OFFICER What’s that you’re saying!
THIRD OFFICER I mean, so we can go for supper in the Gartenbau again.
SECOND OFFICER Ah, that’s different.
FIRST OFFICER Come on, you know all about politics, I keep reading that they’re going to make a blockade — what’s a blockade?
SECOND OFFICER It’s — y’know — look, think of us and the Germans, we’re a block they can’t defeat, so instead they cut off our food supplies and things.
FIRST OFFICER Ah, so that’s what it is — but is it true the Socialists are to blame for the Czechs deserting to the Russkies? — Hey — isn’t that — I know that broad, look over there — say, what are legitimate interests?
SECOND OFFICER Reporting for duty — she’s the one from last night — tasty dish! — hang on a minute, I’ll just — (exit.)
THE OTHERS (calling after him) See you later in Hopfner’s then!
THIRD NEWSPAPER VENDOR Tagblatt! No one can stop our boys’ advances!
A COUNTESS (noticing one of the officers, to her lady companion) Look at all his decorations, I bet he put up a good fight. I adore it when they’re good fighters. (A blind soldier in a wheelchair appears, his uniform in tatters.) When I was still working at the Palffy Hospital—
INTELLECTUAL (to his companion) I assure you, as long as the enemy’s mentality is so frivolous — (exeunt.)
A car draws up in front of the Hotel Bristol. Inside, reclining, Baby Fanto.
POLDI FESCH (appears at the car door) Noblesse oblige. Can you hang on a moment? I have my reasons.
BABY FANTO How many place settings? Is she coming?
POLDI FESCH Que sera sera. I’m raring to go today, though I lost a packet yesterday — in the Chapeau Rouge — so stupid — something that hasn’t happened to me since I was cleaned out down on the south-west front.
BABY FANTO I really don’t understand you, why you consort with such types — they’re not top-drawer!
POLDI FESCH Very sorry, I’m sure — but then, tomorrow I’m out partying with the Sascha Film people again — and in any case — before you start lecturing me — how old are you?
BABY FANTO Twenty-two.
POLDI FESCH So you can just pipe down — a first-class joint, I tell you! As long as I’m stuck here, I’m under orders. But you can bet your life — the moment the peace is signed, and of course it’ll be a stalemate — one way or the other, whatever the outcome, I’ll be the first on the Orient Express to Paris! — So, now we can go in, laddie! — (He beckons. The black hotel porter opens the car door.)
BABY FANTO Listen, I’m really crazy about Lona, think I’ve got a chance?
POLDI FESCH Que sera sera. (Exeunt.)
(Old men march by. Strains of the song “In der Heimat, in der Heimat da gibt’s ein Wiedersehn”—)
BERLIN EXPORTER (smoking an imported cigar, to his companion) No sweat, our boys have the fighting spirit. One of our most eminent professors has established that the psychic readjustment happens when they’re still in the barracks. Your morale here in Vienna is lousier than ours at the front! No, no, my fine friends, not much sign here of a victorious peace — no Siegfried, eh! Dreadful mood in this dear old Vienna of yours! Loyal allies? You can tell that to the marines! No, not what I imagined at all. Some friends you are, making such a ballyhoo about peace as if you can’t wait for it—! (Exeunt.)
(One passerby approaches another, hands raised, pointing to what’s left of the cigarette in the other’s mouth.)
OFFICER’S WIFE (to her male companion) There they are already queueing for tomorrow morning. I wouldn’t mind if the war lasted another ten years, my husband sends me everything I need — (exeunt.)
FIRST WALKER If you don’t obey the regulations, they fine you. If you do obey the regulations, they condemn you to death.
SECOND WALKER How so?
FIRST WALKER Didn’t you read about it today? Interesting case, a professor starves to death.
SECOND WALKER Why a professor?
FIRST WALKER Middle class. Didn’t manage to procure anything on the black market, he was just living on the prescribed rations.
SECOND WALKER Sheer lunacy. (Exeunt.)
FIRST DEVOTEE OF THE REICHSPOST And now the offensive is about to be launched, just you wait — rat-a-tat-tat, and that’s that!
SECOND DEVOTEE OF THE REICHSPOST And after that, it’s the Jews’ turn — a clean sweep! (Exeunt.)
ODDBALL Look, yesterday I had a splendid meal here in the grill room. But when will they finally stop calling it the “Bristol”? We must cleanse our language of these outlandish French and Italian expressions. In the old days I used to take 10 percent commission, now, when we use the phrase “out of a hundred”, it has to be 40, on principle!