HIS COMPANION You’re right. Hey, look at that girl there—
ODDBALL Well, chacun à son goût, no sorry, de gustibus …, no sorry, each to his own — go on after her, maybe she’ll give you her address. (Exeunt.)
(A corpulent lady in Red Cross uniform with lorgnette gets out of an electric car.)
LENZER V. LENZBRUCK (in uniform of a captain of horse) Humble respects, my dear Baroness — So you haven’t left for your estates yet? It’s the talk of all Vienna! And how splendid you look in your uniform, I’m quite speechless!
FRAU BACK V. BRÜNNERHERZ Well, you too! Are you going into the restaurant over here for breakfast? My husband’s waiting.
LENZER V. LENZBRUCK Your noble spouse, the commercial counsellor? How absolutely charming! But your decision to become a nurse, that’s the biggest sensation imaginable in Vienna!
FRAU BACK V. BRÜNNERHERZ I can’t complain, this way we can keep the car, my husband’s been fighting over that for two years, so I finally decided to join the Red Cross. Between ourselves, it’s only a gesture, because it’s the done thing. I’m actually looking after—
LENZER V. LENZBRUCK So you really are looking after—!
FRAU BACK V. BRÜNNERHERZ —my reputation. I only go in when I feel like it. Now that the war’s almost over anyway, it’s not worth the trouble. Yesterday Annunziata stopped me and said—
LENZER V. LENZBRUCK (clasps his hands together) The Archduchess! Oh, do tell, do tell, Baroness—
FRAU BACK V. BRÜNNERHERZ I don’t like to boast, let my husband tell you. Apropos, I read that you’d been made Captain of Horse, my congratulations. You know you cut more of a dash now than as a civilian? That’s probably why you’re going round in uniform! Am I right? You men!
LENZER V. LENZBRUCK (flattered) You think so?
FRAU BACK V. BRÜNNERHERZ And the Distinguished Service Cross! Praise the Lord! Just look at that!
LENZER V. LENZBRUCK (waving this aside) Not worth mentioning.
FRAU BACK V. BRÜNNERHERZ The next thing will be — I wouldn’t put it past you — you’ll be off to the front! Have you ever been?
LENZER V. LENZBRUCK How could I possibly go?
FRAU BACK V. BRÜNNERHERZ Why not?
WOMAN SELLING FLOWERS Yellow! Yellow flowers!
LENZER V. LENZBRUCK The Executive Committee won’t let me, will it?! God knows I’ve tried — (both leave.)
FIRST GENTLEMAN Oh yes, do tell me, what’s your friend signed up to do, the painter? Having an easy time of it?
SECOND GENTLEMAN I suppose so. He started by drawing crosses for gravestones—
FIRST GENTLEMAN Well, there you are!
SECOND GENTLEMAN But one fine day this glorious state of affairs came to an abrupt end, he was meant to join a battalion with marching orders for the front—
FIRST GENTLEMAN Oi vey, and then what—?
SECOND GENTLEMAN Well, then there was a fortunate turn-up for the book. It so happened that the captain was an art lover.
FIRST GENTLEMAN So?
SECOND GENTLEMAN So now he’s drawing naked women for the captain.
FIRST GENTLEMAN Ah, there you are!
(Enter Storm, the popular actor.)
FRÄULEIN LÖWENSTAMM Look, here comes Storm!
FRÄULEIN KÖRMENDY And in uniform, too!
(A gentleman gets out of a cab.)
CABBY (holding out his hand) Is that all you’re giving me, guv? (Turning his hand over) Just look at them scars!
(Change of scene.)
Scene 2
Optimist and Grumbler in conversation.
OPTIMIST Are you off to Switzerland again soon?
GRUMBLER I’d dearly like to, though I’d be sure to run into the same people there that I’m trying to escape from here. Well, at least I wouldn’t completely lose sight of the cast of the doomsday drama I’m writing. Being in Berne is like being in Vienna, with the Austrian state in meltdown exporting the products of its corruption, its crooks and diplomats, black-marketeers, and hack writers. Their travel arrangements are taken for granted, and they make propaganda in Switzerland for our loathsome body politic which has incensed the whole world. But for someone like me, travel is not so easy, and all the red tape prevents me from getting away.
OPTIMIST Ah yes, the same old story about passports. One department doesn’t know what the other one requires. But after all, war is—
GRUMBLER —war, I know. But even more of a nuisance than being officially prohibited from doing something, is for it to be officially permitted. And then you have to give a “valid reason.”
OPTIMIST Don’t you have one?
GRUMBLER Lots. Not counting the prospect of getting hold of a proper sandwich in Switzerland. I’d rather put forward what all my reasons for wanting to leave have in common: being all too aware of living in Austria. The authorities would save themselves a lot of paperwork if you had to put forward a valid reason why you wanted to stay at home. But their asking whether you have a valid reason is in itself a valid reason to be up and away. Granted, it’s not merely a valid reason for applying for an exit visa for a visit abroad—
OPTIMIST But rather?
GRUMBLER For emigrating.
OPTIMIST So you’ll have no difficulty in finding a reason. Is there anything for which your dialectical method could not find a valid reason?
GRUMBLER Yes, for coming back.
(Change of scene.)
Scene 3
A railway station near Vienna.
A sheepish crowd, some 500 strong, has been waiting at the closed ticket window for two hours.
FIRST VIENNESE It’ll be here in 10 minutes.
SECOND VIENNESE (to porter) Can you tell me when the train will arrive, please?
PORTER ’E loiks t’arroive round sevun.
THIRD VIENNESE But it’s already a quarter to eight.
PORTER True, but look ’ere. ’E’s goin t’be two-n-u-arf ’ars late today. It sez so on the board.
GRUMBLER Is that definite?
PORTER (annoyed) Well, what’m I gonna say? Them knows shit-all, and they ain’t gonna give the public a sniff of wot they does know, are they?
GRUMBLER Aha, and why not?
PORTER ’Cos them still knows shit-all!
GRUMBLER But it’s announced on the board.
PORTER Yea, announced, denounced, but arroive later ’e sortainly wull all the same.
GRUMBLER As a general rule?
PORTER Nat as a rule, zaktly, but a late arroival on toim wud be a bloody mirakul.
GRUMBLER Then why do they announce the time it’s going to be late?
PORTER ’Cos it’s beyond yuman ’telligence, that’s why. Them out there at other stayshuns doan tell us, and us in ’ere sez nothin.
FOURTH VIENNESE I think I hear it coming!
PORTER Y’see? Mirakuls never cease!
GRUMBLER Yes, but how is that possible?
PORTER Let me tell you, Mister, grumbling’ll get you nowhere. Go an arsk yer Aunt Fanny. Trains run late, an that’s a fact! Us in ’ere doant get no news and them out there sez nothin — with orl the traffic these days, our ’ands are tied — there’s a war on!
FIFTH VIENNESE Here’s the train!
SIXTH VIENNESE The fellow in the ticket office is asleep!
CRIES What’s keeping you?! — Open up! — (The Grumbler knocks on the counter with his cane.) That’s the way!