(The ticket window opens. The Austrian Face appears. It is extraordinarily undernourished, but bloated with diabolic self-satisfaction. A spindly forefinger, wagging from side to side, appears to extinguish all hope.)
THE AUSTRIAN FACE Ain’t na tuckets f’sayle todaye! Ain’t na tuckets f’sayle todaye!
(Murmurs, rising to a tumult. Groups form.)
SOMEONE IN THE KNOW Come on, I’ll show you how to sneak through a side door! No need fer na tuckets there! (All leave through the side door.)
(Change of scene.)
Scene 4
Vienna, Kohlmarkt. In front of the window display of a picture gallery.
MARGOSCHES One of our most distinguished businesses for art and such like.
WOLFFSOHN Superb! (He studies the display.) What strikes me as so touching in this wonderful Vienna of yours is that, even after three years of war you’re still so fond of symbols of the Special Relationship. Everywhere you look you see your good old Emperor standing shoulder to shoulder with ours, not wanting to detach himself, for he can’t — they’re inseparable. And look, that’s His Majesty the Kaiser in the Reichstag, the historic sitting when he draws his sword. Well y’know, Commercial Counsellor, that was some day! — Who’s our fat friend there?
MARGOSCHES Don’t you know? That’s Archduke Friedrich.
WOLFFSOHN Fine figure of a man!
MARGOSCHES And behold all the archdukes and archduchesses!
WOLFFSOHN Well, well, real character studies, every one! Ah, you’ve even got that beautiful picture of our Kaiser crying.
MARGOSCHES And the picture of our Emperor crying! Over there!
WOLFFSOHN Ah no, that’s only a genre painting, he could just as well be praying. But ours is at the front, with his troops, and the painter has painted in real teardrops.
MARGOSCHES That one there is one of the greatest pictures, This Age of Grandeur, by Ludwig Koch. That’s our Emperor again, right at the heart of the battle!
WOLFFSOHN Yes, that’s the way it looks. All of them galloping into the breach together, your old Emperor and our Kaiser, our Hindenburg and your Hötzendorf — there’s a lesson for your shirkers!
MARGOSCHES Do you know this one, Commercial Counsellor? I’m told it’s by Theodor Körner.
WOLFFSOHN Yes, I do. It’s famous! A picture full of genuine feeling, a fine young man. (Reading) “Father, hear my cry, we’re not fighting for worldly gain!” (Leaving) Yes, but what I say is, we must win, we must win! Then the value of our currency will shoot up spontaneously.
(Change of scene.)
Scene 5
Two poets in conversation.
THE POET STROBL —With moonlight threading through the greenery and pouring out into the far, far distance of houses glinting white and sombre mountains, as in Eichendorff’s bewitching poem to a summer night … (sinks into a reverie) And as I step out from the dark hall on to the terrace, the officer cadet, his great clasp-knife in hand, cuts off a piece of smoked pork and says quite casually “With this knife I cut a few of the throats of them dirty Wogs.” (After a pause, pensively) He was a good lad!
THE POET ERTL What an experience! I envy you. (He ponders.) I have a project in mind. I’ll suggest that the seventh war loan should be called the “Truth Loan.”
THE POET STROBL Truly an ingenious thought. But why?
THE POET ERTL Because our victory will finally ensure that Truth shall prevail, as it must! Because the precondition of successful peace negotiations must be the Truth, namely the official rectification of all the lies and libels with which the malicious politicians and hack journalists of the Entente countries deceived, poisoned, and misled their own peoples and the world. (Strobl silently clasps his hand. They proceed on their way.)
(Change of scene.)
Scene 6
Student drinking fraternity. Celebration in honour of Hindenburg.
AN ALUMNUS —Honourable members and thirsty souls, imbibers of the amber nectar! Mark well what the German Fraternities’ Journal urges you to take to heart. (He reads out) Another essential requirement is to provide scope for drinking to excess and of making others do likewise. If we were to prohibit the obligation laid on all new recruits to down their glass in one, then any youngster who can hold his drink could always drink a less solid senior fraternity member under the table, and that would subvert authority. Alternatively, we abolish our initiation ceremony and with it the basis of all convivial carousing. If we ban tanking up, we deprive ourselves of an educational tool. (Cries of “Quite right!” “Respect the Rules of Procedure!”) I beg you not to take these comments out of context. After all, life within our fraternity, its esprit de corps, consists of a whole chain of experiments of an educational nature. And every corps student will confirm that never again in his life did he hear the unvarnished truth proclaimed so clearly, and at times so incredibly crudely, as within the corps. And why did he put up with it? Ludicrous as it may sound, because of the beer-drinking ritual! The ritual is, for us, what the much-maligned parade ground drill and march-past is for the soldier. (Cries of “Hurrah!”) Just as the hundredfold command “Knees bend!” eliminates laziness, indifference, defiance, rage, inertia, and exhaustion, and transforms a feeling of helpless impotence, and total lack of willpower in the face of one’s superior, into military discipline (Cries of “Hurrah”!) — so, too, the command “Down in one!” always provides our senior member with a chance to demonstrate his absolute superiority over a recruit, to punish, to keep his distance, to maintain that atmosphere which is absolutely essential for the continuing educational function of the corps, if it is not to degenerate into a mere club. (Cries of “On no account!”) “Down in one!” is of course not always appropriate, and not for everyone, but it must hang over our revels just as the “Knees bend!” does over the barrack square!
ALL Hurrah! Hurrah! Hurrah! (They clink glasses.) Down in one!
RECRUIT (brandishes the special Hindenburg number of the Munich magazine Jugend, singing to the tune of Scheffel’s song celebrating Hermann’s rout of the Roman legions, “When the Romans Had the Nerve”):
No sooner is he in the train,
He’s mapping out the whole campaign,
And says, after a moment’s thought,
“Lake Narew”—the main onslaught!
Soon after Hindenburg arrived,
Into the lake the Russians dived,
Joining the fish that smell so vile—
Yes, that’s our commander’s style!
Attacks three times, and with each swoop
They’re back with frogs and toads in the soup.
Russian blood fills swamp and pond,
Making waves throughout the land!
ALL Hindenburg Hurrah! Hurrah! Hurrah! Down in one!
(Change of scene.)
Scene 7
Medical convention in Berlin.
PSYCHIATRIST —Gentlemen! You see before you the most remarkable case I’ve ever come across. By good fortune, the man was released from protective custody into my care. Since it would be clearly impossible to serve as many years’ hard labour as he could have expected for his crimes, there was no alternative but to turn to psychiatry. In this case, it is irrelevant to ask if the criminal is subjectively responsible for his deed, rather, the deed is itself objective proof that he is not responsible for his actions. Let me straightaway give you a full picture of the patient’s insanity, gentlemen, by pointing out that the man openly declared that the food situation in Germany is precarious! (Agitation.) More than that, the man has called Germany’s eventual victory into question! (Commotion.) But to crown it all, the man maintains that the intensified U-boat war, and indeed U-boat warfare in general, is inappropriate — for I established straightaway that he rejects the U-boat as a weapon not only because he thinks it inappropriate, but because he considers it downright immoral! (Heated exclamations.) Gentlemen, we as men of science have a duty to keep a cool head, and to confront the object of our outrage only as the object of our research, controlling our anger, of course, so as to maintain impartiality.(Laughter.) Gentlemen, it is now my sad duty to sketch for you a complete picture of the patient’s unbalanced mental state, and I must ask you to hold neither this unfortunate creature responsible, nor myself, whose lot it is to demonstrate this repugnant case of insanity. His accountability has been ruled out by his affliction, mine by science. (Cries of “Quite right!”) Gentlemen, the man is suffering from the fixed idea that Germany is being driven towards her destruction by a “criminal ideology”, as he calls the noble idealism of those in authority over us. He claims that we are lost if we do not capitulate at the very height of our triumphant progress, that our government, our military leaders — but never the English! (Cries of “Oho!”) — are to blame for the deaths of our children! (Cries of “Shame!”) He maintains that our children are dying because of the precarious food situation — this alone is clear proof of his mental confusion. (Cries of “Quite right!”) I have now laid out the case, esteemed colleagues in internal medicine, so you can attempt to exert an influence on the patient by conveying firsthand information about the wartime health of the German people. From his reaction I hope to round off the clinical diagnosis, perhaps to correct it as far as criminal responsibility can be ascertained after all, since no pathway must be left unexplored — that is to say, I hope the patient may be so carried away by your authoritative disclosures as to express opinions that will make it easier for us to come to a decision, one way or the other. (Cries of “Leave it to us!”)