I am horrified, aghast, to think of what evil may grow up out of your grave, and in the memories of your children and grandchildren.
I put this letter on his desk in the morning. Just before lunch, my hands trembling, I knocked at the door of his study. I wanted his reaction, in person. This is too important an issue to leave to chance.
He told me to come in.
‘Lyovochka,’ I said, feeling like a schoolgirl on a visit to the headmaster. ‘I wonder if you have read my letter.’
‘I have.’
I waited beside him, my hands folded in front of my apron. ‘Do you have anything to say to me?’
He looked up at me with disdain such as I have never seen before on his face. His nostrils appeared, like a bull’s, to flare.
‘Can you possibly leave me in peace?’ he asked.
I implored him to think about his family, to reconsider whatever he had done to adjust his will, to listen to reason. But he sat impassively in his chair, casting a pall across the room like a bare electric light.
‘Are you finished, Sofya Andreyevna?’
‘I am,’ I said. I could see that, in all ways, I was. Whatever love may have lived between us was dead.
We spoke not a word to each other that day. The following morning he left home before breakfast, on horseback. This was most unlike him. I realized he must be heading to Telyatinki, so I set off, on foot, for Chertkov’s house.
At the entrance to the estate, I hid myself in a low ditch. I lay there all day with binoculars trained on the house. I did not see Lyovochka’s horse anywhere, or catch a glimpse of him. Twice I saw Chertkov come and go, which made me wonder if, indeed, Lyovochka had gone to Telyatinki. Perhaps I had been mistaken?
When darkness began to fall, I set off, weary of heart, back to Yasnaya Polyana. By the time I got there, my temples throbbed. My feet burned. I felt dizzy and nauseated.
I sat on a wooden bench, beneath a tall pine, for an hour or two. Stars speckled the sky above me, and I felt I was looking into infinity. I said, in my heart, I am all yours, God. Take me. Take me. I wanted God or oblivion. I wanted to count myself among the thousand stars.
I might easily have sat there forever had not Ivan, the coach driver, seen me.
‘Countess? Is that you?’
‘Ivan,’ I said. ‘It’s me.’
‘Are you all right?’
‘I am quite unwell, Ivan. Help me.’
He took my hand and led me home, like an old mule back to the barn.
Lyovochka was still awake, sitting on his bed, reading by candlelight. I don’t know why I did this, but I told him exactly what I had done that day, how I had waited in the ditch, frantic, till nightfall. How I had asked, prayed, even begged, for death.
He listened carefully, then said, ‘Sonya, I am extremely tired of your whims. What I want now is freedom. I am eighty-two years old, and I refuse to let you treat me like a child. I will not be tied to my wife’s apron strings!’
‘What does this mean?’
‘It means that, from now on, I shall feel perfectly free to write to Chertkov, even to meet with him when I feel it is necessary. I cannot play this game any longer.’
‘You can’t do this to me,’ I said.
‘Wait and see,’ he said.
The next day, Lyovochka seemed determined to prove his independence. He sat in the garden drinking tea with Novikov, a muzhik he admires for reasons I cannot fathom. Right in front of me, Novikov said, ‘You ought to see how we treat our women in the village! When they get out of line – swat!’ He slapped his thigh with a flat palm. ‘A woman has to be ruled with a stick! It’s the only way to keep them quiet.’
Lyovochka, apostle of nonviolence, began to laugh uncontrollably. ‘We have a good deal to learn from the muzhiks,’ he said. ‘This is quite wonderful. Lovely!’
I left them to their ridiculous conversation.
That afternoon, Lyovochka decided to prove his manliness by resuming gymnastics. As a young man, he would hang upside down from a bar in his study, terrifying the servants. ‘It brings blood to the brain,’ he used to say. Now he attempted to hang upside down from a wardrobe, which has some iron hooks that fit his bootheels. But his weight, of course, brought the whole thing down on top of him.
‘You’re like a child,’ I told him. ‘You can’t be trusted.’
Furious more with himself than with me, he locked his study door until dinner. At seven, he came down and ate in silence.
It is almost November, and I am sad. The weather grows worse every day: windy and cold, with rain like pellets, sometimes a dust of snow. I walk in the woods each morning with my dogs, Marquis and Belka. We follow the same ruts in Zasyeka Wood that Lyovochka uses when he goes riding in the afternoons. I can’t believe he still insists on riding. At least he is willing to let Dushan Makovitsky ride behind him. A few days ago he took a frightful spill, and came home covered with black mud. But I said nothing about the incident. It would only have upset him.
Miss Natalya Alexevna Almedingen arrived yesterday. An elegant woman, she edits a magazine and writes popular books for children. Quietly, she has been talking to me about the deal with Prozveshenye (whom she apparently represents). They are desperate to get Lyovochka’s copyright. If I can induce him to sign a statement, even a tentative, noncommittal statement, this will be useful. I must stop Chertkov while there is time.
We have other visitors, as usual. There is the talkative Gastev, who comes full of gossip, and Lyovochka takes it in quite eagerly. Tanya is here again. And Sergey, who plays chess with his father twice a day. I wonder how I tolerate these crowds.
Everything has been going well for a little bit, so I was saddened when I discovered that Bulgakov had taken a letter to Telyatinki this morning. Sasha made a note of this, and I found the note on her desk in the Remington room.
‘Who was the letter for?’ I asked her.
‘Galya,’ she said.
Why was my husband writing to Chertkov’s wife? I went straight to his study to ask him.
‘You sent a letter to Galya Chertkova this morning,’ I said.
‘Perhaps I did. It should not concern you.’ He hunched over his desk, continuing to work.
‘What was it about?’
‘I forget,’ he said. ‘Old men forget things.’
‘Please, darling. You needn’t treat me like a child.’
‘I simply don’t recall what was in that letter.’
‘You’re lying to me.’
He squirmed in his chair. I had him now!
‘Let me see a copy of that letter,’ I said.
‘Never!’ He stood up, looking like Jove himself, his fists full of lightning. He would have struck me dead if he could have.
‘There was a time when you would never have screamed like that,’ I said. ‘A time when you loved me.’
He withered into his chair. I saw before me an old, sick man – the ghost of the man I love, that I have loved more than life itself, for nearly fifty years. Why doesn’t he know this? Why can’t he feel the presence of my love?
‘I wish you would leave me alone,’ he said. ‘I want to be alone.’
‘You are alone, Lyovochka. We are both alone. We have been alone for some time.’
‘I must go away.’
‘You have already gone,’ I said. ‘I live alone here.’
I left in control, but as soon as I stepped outside the study I had to brace myself by leaning with my back to the wall. My legs could barely hold me. My life could barely hold me.
‘Lyovochka,’ I said, muttering into my fingers. I shook all over. I waited for his hand to touch my shoulder. For his big shadow to loom, to cover me as night covers the fields. To be led to my bed, to be held, to be loved.