I’d love to float on by without any rhyme or reason for holding onto the professional identity I’ve fixated on for decades.
But I can’t.
Like the act of fighting, I am always inundated by the bothersome consequences.
I MIGHT LOSE
There’s a large possibility that I’ll lose.
And as we get word that it’s time, someone with a headset knocking on the locker room door at the same time Spencer receives a call from one of the event producers, they give us word:
“Two minutes until you begin the walk.”
Spencer nods.
The producer holds up two fingers, “Two!”
Leaves without looking me in the eye.
THE WALK
It sounds exactly like what it is:
The locker rooms are usually recessed deep within the arena, far enough away from the action to provide enough solace from the energies that often ruin your mood, spoiling your entire fight strategy, but as a result, you have that longest walk to the ring. It’s a walk that usually centers a well-trained fighter and derails the fighters that are not ready for this.
This.
Spencer with the expected:
READY?
A question with no real answer.
A slight sweat generated from shadowboxing, not quite out of breath but not quite fresh either, I stand in place, shifting my weight from left to right while Spencer checks my gloves, the lacing tight enough, covers me with my signature “Sugar Gold” robe.
I hide under the hood of the robe and as I take the first steps, initiating the long walk to the ring, I stare not ahead but at the ground.
Turning the corner, they wait for me. They wait for me wherever they can get the clearest shot. Flicker, within frame:
The media takes pictures, captures footage, tagging it all not in expectation of the future victor but rather as the man walking the long walk to his execution and his opponent the sworn Executioner.
Gaze to the ground.
I walk, separating sense from self.
In a dozen steps, I watch from behind, the steady rhythm of the walk culminated with the pressure of twelve rounds ready to end my career.
Fight. Stand up and fight.
Fight all of these negative thoughts.
There’s more to the fight than the minutes, the hour, in the ring. The fight began the moment the first picture was taken of me in relation to the rematch. The fight has been ongoing and I won a round while losing three.
I won via lying about murder.
I won via the staging of a shattered cinderblock.
But together, I have lost more rounds than I’ve won simply due to the inability to control the measure of my thoughts.
If I lose, it’s because I can’t get outside of myself.
If only I could watch from where I linger, right at this moment, the rhythm affording the ability to watch from afar, my slumped over shoulders already projecting defeat.
If only this level of focus could be maintained.
IT CAN
But will I?
Again, I battle doubt and guilt and something else.
“Something else” is reserved for all that I cannot even begin to explain. You probably see it better than I do.
What do you see?
Oh, wait:
Don’t talk to me.
I turn the last corner, the long walk growing shorter.
I can hear my entrance music.
As always it’s generic death metal. Predictable but that’s what ‘Sugar’ walks out to and that’s how it’ll end.
IF THIS IS MY LAST FIGHT
I watch as I stretch my back, throw a few punches, hopping in place as I stop momentarily at the curtain.
I crack my neck.
Center, find your center…
It is now or never.
WASHED WHITE
Light.
All I see as I push through the curtain out towards the ring.
And I walk.
The longest walk of all.
The one to the ring.
NOISE
The audience is a mixture of cheers and leers, curiosity and hatred for this old fighter, a fighter that will do anything to win. And they know it. Believe me they know it. The audience is smarter than you think. Question is, do they know that I deal in lies? Do they know what it takes to stay in the bright light?
My focus is the ring. I look nowhere else.
Throw a few punches, for effect. Tune into the music being buried by the boos and other rambling noise.
I see the banners hanging from above.
They used an older picture of me for the official fight card. Something in me cracks, wilts, a flutter of the nerves. Everywhere I look I can’t avoid what waits for me.
IF THAT’S HOW IT’S GOING TO BE,
THAT’S HOW IT’S GOING TO BE
I strafe around the ring twice, raising my arms, posing for the cameras. Media afire with various shots, the arena rumbles, the air feels thick, hard to take in. Every inhale takes something out of me. The atmosphere of a fight. I stare at the other side of the ring, where Executioner will soon stare me down, waiting for his chance to send another uppercut right where it’ll end me.
My music stops, replaced by X’s droning hip-hop track.
The audience switches modes, negative to positive, as X runs to the ring alone. His crew about two minutes behind, walking slowly, not at all worried that X will be winded by the audacious sprint to the ring.
I would have done something like that when I was his age.
I didn’t, but I could have.
Easy to say that you “would” or “could” have done something but hey, hey, X has entered the ring. Need to not be in my own head right now.
He stands front and center, flexing his arms, snubbing me entirely.
The music dies down. The referee takes his spot and so too does the announcer.
Time for hyperbole…
TIME FOR INTRODUCTIONS
The announcer shouts into the microphone:
“Tonight, we are going to witness one of the most important matches in the history of professional boxing…
“Are you ready?
“Boxing fans, are you ready…?
“For the thousands in attendance, and the millions watching at home, ladies and gentleman…
“It’s time for fight night!
“Twelve rounds for the proof of being the best of the best!
“Introducing first, fighting out of the blue corner, wearing solid black trunks with red trim…‘Executioner’ Willem Floures!”
AUDIENCE UNANIMOUS APPLAUSE
“And in the red corner, wearing the gold trunks with white trim…‘Sugar’ Willem Floures!”
AUDIENCE APPREHENSION
MODERATE APPLAUSE
Tune it out.
We step forward, the referee goes through the usual rules.
“Touch gloves,” to which we both choose to remain focused, gaze digging as deep into X’s eyes as I can.
Back to our own respective corners.
The tragic few seconds before the bell rings.
ROUND ONE
Soon it is here, and I can already see the fight a few actions into the future. I remain on the defensive. X wants me to create opportunities for him, testing me with the jab, which this early into the fight, I can easily absorb. His jabs graze my gloves but do their job at keeping me shelled up.
I look for opportunities.
I find none so I throw out the jab, hoping to create one.
The round progresses the same way:
JAB
JAB
JAB
JAB
Trading jabs, absorbing them; in my case, I maintain my defensive shell. X moves around the ring on the balls of his feet, semi-circling me with his arms down. He teases out an opening, just one opening is all he needs to send me to the ground and we both know it.