I knew it was true for I had worked with all my strength towards this end. It was the first and essential step.
"Granny," I said, "he would never marry me. His mother would never allow it. Nor would his brother."
I narrowed my eyes, thinking of Justin who would be from now on the head of the house. He had a secret—his love for Mellyora. But was it a secret? Wasn't it already suspected in the servants' hall? Still, he was vulnerable; and, with such a secret, was he in a position to harm me?
"So you think now, my love. But who's to say what the future holds? Who'd have thought you d ever read and write and talk like one of they?''
"Who'd have thought it!" I echoed. Then I seized her hand; "Granny," I said, "could you give me some potion ..."
She snatched her hand away, laughing with mockery. "And I thought you be educated! Have you forgotten what I did tell 'ee? The future is for you to make. You can have what you want ... if you're ready to pay the price for it. Everyone can. But you must never forget that the price has to be paid and it's sometimes more than you've bargained for, Kerensa!" She was very serious. "Listen to what I be saying. And don't 'ee forget it."
I lay on Mellyora's bed. When the house was quiet I would go back to my own room.
"But do you want to, Kerensa?" she had said. "Do you feel safe?"
"Safe from Johnny!" I was scornful. "Don't worry on my account. I know how to handle Johnny."
She clasped her hands behind her back and looked up at the ceiling. Again I could only describe her expression as exalted.
"Mellyora," I said, "you should tell me."
"Tell you?"
"Something's happened, hasn't it?"
"You know well enough what's happened. There has been a death in this house."
"It was hardly unexpected."
"Death is always a shock, expected or not."
"I would not say that you are shocked."
"No?"
I could see the confidences trembling on her lips. She wanted to tell me; but this was not her secret alone. I was determined that she should tell me. I seemed to hear Granny's voice in my ear: "It is important to learn everything... ."
"You can't deceive me, Mellyora. Something has happened."
She turned to look at me and I saw that she was startled. She reminded me of a dainty gazelle who has heard a rustle in the undergrowth and while wanting to satisfy curiosity knows it is wiser to run away.
But she was not going to run away from me.
"And," I went on firmly, "it has something to do with Justin."
"Sir Justin," she said softly.
"He is Sir Justin now, I agree, and head of the house!"
"How different he will be from his father! The tenants will love him. He will be kind and as just as his name implies... "
I made an impatient gesture. I did not want a eulogy of the new Sir Justin.
"He will be perfect in every way," I said, "except that he has been foolish enough to marry the wrong woman."
"Kerensa, what are you saying?"
"You heard me perfectly and I am only saying what has been in your thoughts for a long time—and perhaps his, too."
"You must never say that to anyone else, Kerensa."
"As if I should. This is between us two. You know that I would always be on your side, Mellyora. You are close to me ... we're as close as sisters ... no, closer because I shall never forget that you took me from the hiring stand and made me as your sister ... in a way you made me what I am, Mellyora. The bond between us is stronger than a blood tie, even."
She turned to me suddenly and threw herself against me; I held her tightly while her body heaved with silent sobs.
"You should tell me," I said. "You know that everything that happens to you is my concern. You love Justin ... Sir Justin. I have known it a long time."
"How could anyone help loving such a man, Kerensa?"
"Well, I manage very well, which is fortunate. It would not do for everyone to be in love with him. I have known for a long time what your feelings were ... but what of his?"
She withdrew herself and lifted her face to mine. "He loves me, Kerensa. He thinks he has always loved me. Only he did not know ... until it was too late."
"He has told you this?"
"He would not have done so. But it was when we were both sitting by his father's bedside. It was after midnight. The house was so quiet and there was a moment when it was impossible to hide the truth."
"If he always loved you, why did he marry Judith?" I demanded.
"You see, Kerensa, he looked upon me as a child. He seemed so much older, and because when he knew me first I was only a child, he went on thinking of me as one. And then there was Judith."
"Ah, Judith! He married her, you know."
"He didn't want to, Kerensa. It was against his will."
"And what sort of man is he to marry against his will?"
"You don't understand. It is because he is good and kind that he married her."
I shrugged my shoulders and I could see that she was battling with herself, wondering whether she should tell me. She could not bear my unspoken criticism of Justin, so she decided to.
"His father wanted the marriage before he was ill, but Justin refused because he did not want to marry until he was in love. His father was furious; there were many scenes, and it was during one of these that he had his first stroke. Justin was horrified, you see, because he felt responsible. And when his father was so ill he thought it would help him to recover if he did what he wanted. So he married Judith. He soon knew what a terrible mistake it was."
I was silent. I believed Justin had told her the truth. They were two of a kind, she and Justin. How admirably suited they were. I thought, if she had married Justin, I should have come here in a very different capacity. Oh why hadn't Mellyora married Justin!
I pictured them—one on either side of that dying man who had played such a part in their lives—their whispered confidences, their longings.
"Mellyora," I said, "what are you going to do?"
She opened her eyes incredulously. "Do"? What can we do? He is married to Judith, is he not?"
I did not speak. I knew that for a while it was enough for her to know he loved her; but how long would she—or he—be content with that?
The blinds were up at all the windows. I felt that everywhere there was a subtle change. Nothing could be quite the same again. Old Lady St. Larnston had talked halfheartedly of going to the Dower House, but when Justin had urged her to remain at the Abbas she had been delighted to do so.
A new Sir Justin. A new Lady St. Larnston. But those were merely names. I saw Justin's eyes follow Mellyora, and I knew that confession of theirs had changed their relationship, however much they believed it had not. How long, I wondered, did they think they could keep their secret from such as Mrs. Rolt, Haggety and Mrs. Salt.
There would soon be more gossip in the kitchens. Perhaps it had already started. And how long before Judith was aware—she, who watched her husband every second he was in her company! Already she suspected that his feelings towards Mellyora were dangerously strong.
This atmosphere was filled with danger ... tense and quiet, waiting for disaster.
But it was my own affairs which were absorbing me, because Johnny's passion for me was increasing, and the more aloof I became, the more determined he was. He never attempted to come to my bedroom again but whenever I went out I would find him walking by my side. Sometimes he cajoled, sometimes he blazed; but his conversation was all on one theme.
Again and again I told him that he was wasting his time; he retorted that I was wasting our time.
"If you are waiting for marriage, you will wait a long time," he said angrily.
"You happen to be right. I am waiting for marriage, but not with you. David Killigrew wants to marry me as soon as he gets a living."