I fought to throw off the spell of evil which seemed to wrap itself about me.
"No," I cried out aloud. "Carlyon, my son. Where are you? Come out of your hiding place and stop frightening me."
As I ran out of the house, I met Mellyora and glanced hopefully at her but she shook her head.
"He's not in the house," she said.
We began searching the grounds, calling his name.
Near the stables I saw Polore.
"The little master be lost?" he asked.
"Have you seen him?" I demanded.
"Just about an hour ago. Ma'am. He were talking to me about his pony. Took sick it were, in the night, and I were telling him."
"Was he upset?"
"Well, Ma'am. He were always fond of that pony. Talked to 'er he did. Said to never mind. 'Er'd soon be better. Then he did go back to the house. I watched 'un."
"And you haven't seen him since?"
"No, Ma'am. I ain't seen him since."
Everyone must join in the search, I commanded. Everything must be left. My son must be found. We had established that he was not in the house; he could not be far away because Polore had seen him only an hour before in the stables.
I cannot explain all that I suffered during the search. Again and again hope was raised and dashed. I felt as though I lived through years of torment. I blamed Mellyora. Was she not supposed to look after him? If anything has happened to him, I thought, I shall have paid in full for anything I did to Mellyora.
She was white and harassed and I had not seen her so unhappy since Justin went. I reminded myself that she loved Carlyon; and it seemed to me that my grief would always be hers. We shared our troubles ... except on one occasion when her loss was my gain.
I saw Johnny riding into the stable and called to him. "What the devil ... ?" he began.
"Carlyon's lost."
"Lost! Where?"
"If we knew, he wouldn't be lost." My grief was so great I had to release some of it in anger. My lips were working and I couldn't control them. "I'm frightened," I said.
"He's playing somewhere."
"We've searched the house and grounds. ..." I looked wildly about me and I caught the glint of the sun on the Virgins.
Then a sudden fear struck me. I had shown him the stones the other day; he had been fascinated by them. "Don't go near the old mine, Carlyon. Promise." He had given his ready promise and he was not a child to break his word. But suppose my very words had aroused some curiosity; suppose he had become so fascinated that he could not resist the temptation to examine the mine; suppose he had forgotten his promise? After all he was little more than a baby.
I turned to Johnny and clutched at his arm. "Johnny," I said, "suppose he went to the mine... ."
I had never seen Johnny so frightened and I warmed to him. There had been times when I had reproached him for his lack of interest in our son. Oh God, I thought. He is as frightened as I am.
"No," said Johnny. "No."
"But if he did ... "
"There's a warning there... ."
"He couldn't read it. Or if he did, it might have made him want to explore."
We stared at each other wildly.
Then I said: "We'll have to find out. They'll have to go down."
"Go down the mine! Are you mad ... Kerensa?"
"But he might be there... ."
"It's madness."
"At this very moment he might be lying hurt... ."
"A fall down there would kill him."
"Johnny!"
"It's a mad idea. He's not there. He's playing somewhere. He's in the house... . He's ..."
"We've got to search the mine. There's no time to be lost. Now ... now."
"Kerensa!"
I threw him off and started to run towards the stables. I would summon Polore and some of the men. They must prepare without delay. This new terror obsessed me. Carlyon had fallen down the old mine shaft. I visualized his fear if he were conscious; the horror of his not being.
"Polore!" I called. "Polore.'"
Then I heard the sound of horse's hoofs and my sister-in-law Essie came riding into the stable yard.
I scarcely looked at her. I had no time for her on an occasion like this. But she was shouting at me. "Oh, Kerensa, Joe said to come and tell 'ee without delay because you'd be anxious like. Carlyon, he be with his uncle."
I nearly fainted with relief.
"He did come over fifteen minutes since. Some tale about his pony needing Joe. Joe said to ride over right away and tell 'ee where he be. He said you'd be nigh fit to drop with the worry of it"
Johnny was standing beside me.
"Oh, Johnny," I cried, because I saw that he was as happy as I was.
Then I threw myself into his arms and we clung together. I had never felt so close to my husband.
It was an hour later when Joe brought Carlyon back to the Abbas. Carlyon was standing up with Joe in the trap; Joe had allowed him to hold the reins with him so that Carlyon believed that he himself was driving the trap.
I had rarely seen him look so happy.
Joe was happy too. He loved children and longed for a son of his own; so far there was no sign that Essie was going to produce one.
"Mamma!" called Carlyon as soon as he saw me, "Uncle Joe's come to mend Carpony."
Carpony was his own name for the pony, derived from Carlyon's pony. He found his own special name for everything he loved.
I stood by the trap looking at him, great thankfulness in my heart to see him, alive, unmarried. I could scarcely keep the tears from my eyes.
Joe noticed my emotion. "I sent Essie over the minute he come," he said, gently, "knowing how you'd feel."
"Thank you, Joe," I answered briskly.
"A proper little man 'e be ... a-driving my trap now. What next?"
"Driving the trap now," repeated Carlyon happily. "Coming to mend Carpony now, Uncle Joe?"
"Yes, reckon we'd be better getting along to see how that little old pony be."
Carlyon said: "We'll soon mend him, eh. Uncle Joe?"
"That's one thing I reckon we can be pretty sure on."
There was a camaraderie between them which disturbed me. I had not meant the future Sir Carlyon to become too friendly with the vet. He must acknowledge him as his uncle, it was true, but there were not to be too many meetings. If Joe had been the doctor it would have been different.
I lifted Carlyon out of the trap. "Dearest," I said, "another time, don't go off without telling us first."
The happiness died out of his face. Joe must have told him how worried I should be. He put his arms about my neck and said softly: "Tell next time."
How adorable he was! It hurt me to see him so friendly with Joe and yet at the same time I was pleased. This was my own brother who had once been very dear to me—and still was, although I was disappointed in him.
I watched Joe go into the stables. His limp always softened me towards him, always reminded me of that night when Kim had carried him back to the cottage; somehow there was an ache in my heart—but not for the past. How could I, who was so successful now, want to be back there? But there was a feeling of longing to know what Kim was doing now.
Joe examined the pony. "Not much wrong with her, I reckon."
Joe scratched his head thoughtfully.
"Not much wrong with her, I reckon too," repeated Carlyon, scratching his head.
"Nothing that we can't put right, seems to me."
Carlyon smiled. His eyes all for his wonderful Uncle Joe.
The dinner party that night was scarcely a success. I had not had an opportunity of speaking to Johnny about the wine bills during the day and while we sat at dinner I remembered them.
The Fedders were not a very interesting couple. James Fedder was in his late fifties, his wife a few years younger. I had nothing in common with her.
Mellyora dined with us, although I had not invited an extra man to make us an even number, since the Fedders were with us, because James wanted to talk business with Johnny, and after the meal the men would be left to talk at the dinner table over their port.