«It was neither of those things, Max. It was the difference between the viewpoint of a savage—for at eleven years I was a savage—and that of a civilized man. It was more than the difference between the viewpoint of a boy and a man because had I remained a savage, continued tribal life, that viewpoint would not have changed.»
«How would you define that viewpoint? That of the savage, I mean.»
«Admiration, respect, and the desire to kill. The need to pit my manhood against his lionhood in combat, to prove to myself that I was not afraid of him.»
«But I thought the Masai were so brave they were not afraid of lions.»
«Of course they were brave. And of course they were afraid or there would have been no bravery in their lion hunts. Where there is no fear there can be no bravery.»
«And your attitude toward a lion, as a civilized man?»
«Admiration, respect, and compassion.»
«It’s easy to feel compassion for a caged lion. What if it had been charging you in Africa?»
M’bassi sighed. «I would have defended myself, if possible, with regret. The Hsin philosophy is not fanatical; it recognizes that although all life is important a human life is more important than that of an animal.»
«Then it wouldn’t be a sin to kill a charging lion. But it would be to hunt one?»
«Under certain circumstances that too might be necessary. If for example, a lion has become a man-killer. What would be wrong would be to hunt or to kill for pleasure, to take joy in the death of any living creature.»
Living creatures, sea gulls, soaring lazily and gracefully overhead. Living creatures, a group of girls, walking by, giggling and jiggling. The lazy rhythm of the waves, the sun’s warmth and the sky’s blueness.
I waved my arm at it. «All this, M’bassi. All this and the stars too. Isn’t it enough without having to invent a religion and a God?»
«It might be, if we could have all this and the stars too without a religion. You have science. I have religion. You back your horse to take you to the stars; I’ll back mine.» I didn’t dream, then, that he meant it.
I pretended that I was rich and took the Miami rocket, flew the rest of the way to Havana. Ellen’s jet landed two hours later and I was able to have a hotel suite ready for us by the time I met it.
Ellen had seen a doctor about her headaches; he’d fixed them up and everything was fine. But she seemed tired the first few days.
«Damn it, woman,» I told her, «you’ve been working too hard. You’ve done more than your share on the Jupiter project already. Let the starduster lobby jockey it through the House.»
«I’ll be pushing it too, Max. I’ll be all right, all rested up, by the time I have to go back. And my tiredness isn’t all from pushing a rocket toward Jupiter. That Buckley Dam bill—I’ve got to get it through for California or I won’t have a ghost of a chance of being re-elected.»
«And why do you want to be re-elected? Ellen, it was you who pushed me into administrative work but I’ll have to admit I’m through disliking it, and it pays well. Well enough to let me afford a senator of my own. Why don’t we get married as soon as my appointment is set?»
«We can talk about it then, darling.»
«We can do it then,» I said. «We can talk about it now. There’s no charge for talking. Ellen, are you in politics because you really want to be, because you really want a career for yourself? Or just to make a living?»
«I—Max, I honestly don’t know. It’s probably a little of both and right now I’m too mixed up to analyze my feelings about politics or about getting married. In any case I wouldn’t want to marry you until after I’ve finished the term I was elected to—and that’s another two years. It’s a long time.»
«Damn right it is. And we’re not getting any younger.»
«No, but we’re not missing anything either, are we? We’re together almost as much as if we were married. Max, even if we married sooner than two years from now I wouldn’t resign from the Senate, so I’d still have to be in Washington six or seven months a year.»
«At least you wouldn’t have to wear that damn mask in public.»
«I don’t mind it. And think how nice it is to take it off when we’re in private. Will you make us drinks?»
She sipped hers and then lay back against the pillow and closed her eyes. «Talk to me, darling.»
«About what? About how much I love you?» I frowned at her. «Damn it, woman, do you know this is the first time in fifty-eight years I’ve ever asked a woman to marry me? And I can’t even get a straight answer out of her.»
«I love you, Max. I’m yours. Isn’t that enough? Why, you’re a part of me. What do a few words and a piece of paper matter?»
«It isn’t the words and the paper. It’s—oh, hell, I guess it’s selfish of me, when you make me analyze myself. It’s probably mostly because I want to be able to brag about having you, not have to keep it secret.»
«Secret, except for the few people you really care about. Klocky, the Bursteders, your brother and sister-in-law, M’bassi, a few others—»
«All right,» I said, and tried to think of another reason, one that would make sense.
Ellen beat me to the punch. She sat up and reached for her drink again. «Max, let me explain you to yourself. I’ll believe that you never asked another woman to marry you, but don’t ask me to believe you’ve never loved another woman. You must have, more than once, and at least as much as you love me. Now admit that much.»
«Sure, I’ve loved other women. But never as much; you’re wrong there. This is different.»
«Max, I’ll tell you what’s different about it. You’re space-nutty and you have been ever since you were old enough to know what love was. By the time you did know, the stars came first and the woman second. Marriage would have tied you down and kept you from trying to go where you wanted to go. Now and for the first time, you’ve got the two things in one package—a woman you love and through her a chance to help send a rocket farther out into space than one has ever gone before.»
There was a hell of a lot of truth in that.
She said, «If you doubt that, I can prove it to you. Suppose I offered to marry you right now, here in Havana, but only on the condition that you’d quit looking up at the stars and dreaming about them.»
«You wouldn’t ask that. You wouldn’t be you if you did.»
«Of course not. But you see my point just the same. Oh, Max, let’s not talk about marriage tonight. Let’s not us talk about anything. Just you talk, and let me listen.»
«All right. What shall I talk about?»
«The only thing you talk well about, the stars. Do you really think we’ll ever reach them?»
«You’re just baiting me, darling. You know perfectly well that I really think we’ll reach them—and that we really will. It’s only a question of time. Don’t ever sell mankind short by saying there’s anything he can’t do, ever, or anything that he isn’t going to do.
«The stars are there waiting for him and he’s going to take them. Someday, and maybe suddenly, he’s going to explode into deep space as he exploded into the solar system in the sixties. Only let’s hope this time he doesn’t have to wait until he’s scared into it.»
«Scared into it?»
I said, «Yes, like the Germans and the Japs scared us into developing the A-bomb. Like the Commies scared us into starting the space station and shooting for the moon. Sometimes it looks as though we have to have the bejesus scared out of us before we’re willing to tackle anything that has to be tackled on a big scale and that takes a lot of billions of dollars to accomplish.