“Considering what you’re doing for my ship, I’d say you have the right to ask whatever you like.”
“Fair enough.” She kept both eyes fixed on the sealant. “Okay, so, the gun thing. We’ve established this is a thing you do a lot.”
“You mean using guns, or having them pointed at me?”
“Both, I guess. I mean more like being in situations where people are angry and also there are guns.”
“I’m not sure that it happens a lot. But more often than for most, perhaps.”
“Enough for you not to be scared of it.”
“I never said that.”
“You did so.”
“I said I was familiar with it. That’s very different.”
“But how do you stop being scared about it? Like, when it’s happening?”
“I don’t understand.”
The top edge of the sealant started to glisten. “Well, you kind of said it was something you can be in control of. I mean, if you’ve got a gun pointed at someone, and they’re returning the favor, you’ve got to be not scared enough to deal with it before they do, right?”
“That’s… not how it works.” Pei paused. “Is this about the Akaraks?”
“You heard about that.”
“I did. Is it still bothering you?”
Kizzy licked her lips. Fuck it. We might be dead in an hour. “I haven’t been able to sleep much since it happened, and I can’t figure out how to talk to my crew about it. And I’m tired, like bone-crunchingly tired, but I get so scared I’ll wake up to strangers pointing guns at me that I can’t sleep. I either have to knock myself out with drops, or work work work until I fall over. And I know it’s stupid. I know what happened to us was a freak thing, and it’ll probably never happen again. But I’m more scared of that than I am of this wall of death I’m staring at right now. I just—I don’t make sense, and I’m kind of pissed at myself about it.” The acrid smell of melting sealant tickled her nose. She poked at the seam with her fingertip. Gooey, but still holding fast. She scowled. “Stars, just melt already.” She tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t be spewing this all over you. It must sound so stupid.”
“It doesn’t sound stupid. Though I am wondering why you’re talking to me about it.”
“Because you know about this stuff. I thought maybe… I just want to know how I can live with knowing this kind of shit is out there and not be scared of it.”
Pei said nothing for a moment. “Kizzy, I am scared of everything, all the time. I’m scared of my ship getting shot down when I have to land planetside. I’m scared of the armor in my vest cracking during a fight. I’m scared that the next time I have to pull out my gun, the other guy will be faster. I’m scared of making mistakes that could hurt my crew. I’m scared of leaky biosuits. I’m scared of vegetables that haven’t been washed properly. I’m scared of fish.”
“Fish?”
“You haven’t seen the fish on my home colony. Very thin teeth.”
“But how do you deal with that?”
“With what?”
“Being scared of all that stuff.”
“You mean how is it that I can sleep and you can’t. Is that what you’re asking?”
“Yeah.”
“I don’t know. Maybe it’s just different for us. We’re different species, after all.” She paused. “Or maybe because I never thought to ask anyone what you’re asking. I never thought of fear as something that can go away. It just is. It reminds me that I want to stay alive. That doesn’t strike me as a bad thing.”
“Hang on, pause,” Kizzy said. Melted sealant began to drip onto the floor. Finally. She took a thin pair of pliers from her belt and tugged the cable through the clear gunk. She flipped down her lenses and examined the blasting cap. Warm, but not enough to cause trouble. She gave a satisfied nod, cut the cable, and wiped the goo off on her pants. “Okay, we’re good.” She looked up the walkway, where little yellow lights sat blinking, waiting. “This might sound weird, but it’s really nice knowing that you’re scared of fish. And all the other stuff.”
Kizzy didn’t have the easiest time reading Pei’s face, but the lady looked amused. “I’m glad, but I’m not sure I understand. I don’t think I answered your question.”
“You did.” She cracked her knuckles and popped off the blasting cap. “I hate that this is the first time we’ve met you. Especially given the circumstances.” She looked back toward Pei. “I know it’s hard for you, but you can come stay with us any time. I can think of a certain Exodan captain who’d like that a lot.”
“I’d like that, too,” Pei said. She was quiet a moment. Her cheeks went orange. “Maybe some time.” She took a breath and nodded toward the walkway. “But first, let’s keep my ship from blowing up.”
Jenks leaned back, letting the weight of the tub of bolts in his arms fall against his chest. Arms aching, he carried the tub out of the freight elevator, down the corridor, and into the Fishbowl. Ashby sat on a garden bench, staring out the window at the speck that was Pei’s ship. Jenks walked around the bench, standing where Ashby could see him.
“Hi,” he said.
Ashby turned his head. “Hi.”
Jenks upturned the tub. The bolts clattered to the floor like heavy rain. “These are several hundred bolts. They are all different shapes and sizes, and Kizzy always keeps them in one communal tub. It drives me crazy.”
Ashby blinked. “Why are they on the floor?”
“Because we are going to sort them. We are going to sort them into nice, neat little piles. And then we’re going to take those piles and put them in smaller tubs, so that when I need a bolt, I don’t have to go digging.”
“I see.” Ashby blinked again. “Why are we doing this?”
“Because some jackass dumped them all over the floor, and they have to be cleaned up. And if they have to be cleaned up, we might as well sort them while we’re at it.” Jenks sat down, leaning comfortably against a planter. He began to pick through the bolts. “See, my best friend in the whole galaxy is currently on another ship, holed up in a wall, disarming hackjob explosives. It’s dark in there, and her fingers are probably sore by now, after tugging at all those little wires, and I’m shitting myself over the possibility of something going wrong, because I seriously do not know what I would do without her. And I can’t help. I can’t do anything. Not one damn thing. I know she’s the best person for this, and I know she doesn’t need my help. But all the same, she’s facing some dangerous shit, and it is completely out of my hands. I want to do something, and it’s driving me fucking crazy that I can’t. I can’t even smoke because there are Aeluons around. So, fine. I’m going to sort bolts.” He swung his eyes up to Ashby. “And I think anybody who has similar feelings should join me.”
Ashby rubbed his beard. “Why?”
Jenks brushed aside a swath of bolts with his hand, clearing a workspace. “Because this is going to take hours, and it’s something to do. And it’s better than staring out a window.”
Ashby sat quiet for a moment. He leaned forward, clasping his hands together in a business-like way. “Are we sorting them by size, or shape?”
“Shape to start. Then we’ll make sub-piles by size.”
“Should I get us some kick?”
“I think that would be best.”