The hiss and crackle of the earth catching fire rose around them. She tried to focus on her boot-clad feet as she walked at a slow pace through the red dirt and bushes, lowering her drip torch and dropping flames behind her.
The memory played out in front of her: the blurred ground beneath her as she and Toby ran from her father’s shed. The hot wind on her face. The lightning cracking the sky into pieces. Her beautiful mother, coming beaten from the sea.
‘Alice.’
She hadn’t realised she’d stopped walking.
‘Keep going,’ Aiden instructed the rest of the group. He called her name again across the paddock, fifty metres away.
‘You’re just going to take a step, towards me, now.’ His face was calm and his voice was steady.
She looked down at her feet. They would not move.
‘Alice, you can do this. Walk to me. Now,’ Aiden said more urgently.
She was shaking; the can of fuel and drip torch wobbled heavily in her hands. Her feet would not budge. Heat from the wall of fire behind her began to radiate through her fire gear.
‘Alice.’ Aiden began to run to her.
She could not move.
He reached her side, bracing her. ‘I’m going to take you by the arm and we’re going to run together, okay?’
Alice nodded. Using his weight Aiden jolted her forward. She ran awkwardly by his side, watching her feet move out of time with his.
When they were safely away from the fire line, Aiden took his pack off and opened it, retrieving a water bottle and some jelly beans.
‘Here,’ he said, handing her both. Watched her carefully as she ate and drank.
‘Thank you,’ she muttered, handing his water bottle back once she’d had enough.
‘Has it passed?’ he asked.
She nodded.
‘Lulu has panic attacks too sometimes. Tries to tell me they’re vertigo.’
Alice glanced away. She didn’t know Lulu suffered from anxiety too.
‘How are you feeling now? Do you need me to radio HQ and ask someone to come and get you?’
‘No,’ Alice answered. ‘No, I’ll be fine.’ She tightened her grasp on the drip torch. ‘I’m fine,’ she said again, willing strength in her voice.
Aiden studied her. ‘Righto,’ he said, nodding as he put his pack on. ‘Let’s work together, though. Follow my lead.’
As she and Aiden walked the paddock, working together to light a methodical line of fire, Alice felt her shoulders relax and her hand steady. With his support and watchful eye, she got the job done.
After an hour, they were collected by the pick-up team on quad bikes and driven ahead, until there was a decent distance between them and the fires. At the top of a dune they stopped to have lunch in the shade of desert oaks. Alice closed her eyes as she took a long drink from her water bottle. Her armpits were damp from the cold sweat of fear.
While the group ate their sandwiches and chatted, Alice sat to the side and kept her back turned to the distant wave of orange flames behind them. When she caught Aiden’s eye, she didn’t suppress her grateful smile.
At the end of the day, back at headquarters, Alice hurried to finish up and get home to Dylan. She was just about to leave when Aiden interrupted.
‘Mate, I’ve been called out to help on sunset patrol, which leaves us short a set of hands to tick off safety checks. It shouldn’t take too long. Would you mind?’
Alice swallowed her rising fear. ‘Sure,’ she said, masking her nervousness.
‘Hey, Pinta-Pinta,’ Ruby called from across the car park. ‘I’ll give you a hand, then you can give me a lift home.’
‘Great,’ Aiden said. ‘More the merrier. Thanks, Alice.’ He turned away but stopped and came back, his arms open wide. ‘You did great today. Well done.’ He gave her a short but warm hug.
‘Thanks,’ she said. ‘I really appreciate that. And all your help today.’
After Aiden left, as Ruby and Alice walked towards the work shed, a revving engine caught Alice’s attention. Her stomach plummeted as she recognised Dylan’s profile in a work ute, speeding away from headquarters.
By the time Alice and Ruby wrapped up, Alice’s gut was twisted in a hard knot of fear.
‘Nyuntu palya, Pinta-Pinta?’ Ruby asked as she climbed up into Alice’s truck. ‘You okay?’
Alice didn’t answer. She couldn’t trust her voice.
‘That fire scared you today,’ Ruby stated. Alice nodded again without replying. ‘Uwa, fire can be scary, yes. But it is also many other things. Like medicine. Fire keeps the land healthy, and so keeps us healthy. Where we have fire, we have home. That’s not so scary, is it?’
‘Medicine?’ Alice asked distractedly.
‘That paddock you burned today,’ Ruby explained, ‘was covered in seedpods that need fire to split open and germinate. Without your fire today, the land gets sick. The land gets sick, our stories get sick, we get sick.’
‘Fire has never been medicine to me,’ Alice said quietly. ‘I thought it might have been once. But I’ve only ever known it to be the end of things.’
In her peripheral vision, Alice saw Ruby studying her. Their hand radios interrupted, crackling to life and calling Ruby’s name. Ruby unclipped hers from her belt, responded, and clipped it back in place.
They drove the rest of the way home in silence.
After Alice dropped Ruby off, she doubled back to the work yard. Dylan’s work ute was parked outside the workshop. Had he seen her hugging Aiden? Would it be a problem? Surely not, she reasoned. They’d not had lunch as planned, nor been in touch through the day, but he’d understand that she’d been out on fire work. And, as Sarah said that morning, Dylan had been on burnings many times. He wouldn’t begrudge her the chance to learn.
As Alice walked in, she flickered with hope that he would not be jealous, of Aiden, or her day. He’d told her she was the love of his life. What kind of disservice was she doing to their relationship if she didn’t trust that and believe in him? She imagined how the scene might unfold: he’d wrap her in a hug and tell her how proud he was of her. Whisk her home, crack a beer, and ask a flurry of questions, wanting to hear all about her day.
He didn’t look up from his emails when she walked in. The screen threw a sickly light on his face.
‘Hey,’ she said, forcing herself to smile.
His jaw was set. He didn’t respond. She waited.
‘Did you hear? I did my first controlled burn today,’ she said. The tightness of her smile hurt her face. He still didn’t look at her. A muscle twitched in his cheek.
‘I heard,’ he said, staring at his computer. ‘No surprise there, though, the darling of the park getting chosen to do fire work.’
Fear cut through her stomach. When he turned to face her, his eyes were dark and sunken, his lips pale.
‘But this is what you do, right? With your big eyes, and your butterflies, and your smile. People can’t get enough of you, can they? And you play them like a fucking song.’
Her feet were root-bound.
‘So, how was fire work, then?’ His lips stretched in a cruel smile. ‘Go on. You want to tell me all about it? Tell me all about it then. Who were you on a quad bike with? Hey?’ He shoved his chair back; she flinched. ‘Who’d you have your legs wrapped around on a quad bike, Alice?’ He slammed his hand on the desk. ‘Because I checked your training sheet and you don’t have your quad bike licence. So, who the fuck were you all cosied up to? And don’t you fucking lie to me.’ Spittle gathered in the corners of his mouth. She couldn’t speak.