I endeavoured to convince her that the difference of a few years was of little consequence to happiness; and that, had I but the means of maintaining a wife, I knew no woman I should prefer to her; although, heaven knows, I had but little thought of matrimony in reality. But how easily we are persuaded to believe what we wish.
She told me that her father-whom I knew to be immensely rich, although from family disagreements he now withheld his bounty from her, his once favourite daughter — would, she had no doubt, when he heard of her determination to marry, do something for her.
The ice being thus broken, we indulged in certain little familiarities without restraint. Jane was now sent to an evening school in order that we might be more frequently alone, and was generally despatched to her bedchamber shortly after her return; when the widow, with her head reclining on my shoulder, or her cheek, and sometimes her lips glued to mine, would suffer me to finger her swelling breasts, and then would strain me to her heart, and stifle me with kisses; beyond this all was perfect innocence.
It may easily be imagined in this sort of toying how swiftly the moments passed away; and one eventful evening, we thought not of the hour until the watchman, calling half-past one o'clock, roused us from our dream of pleasure.
I instantly arose, and was about to take my leave, at the same time observing that, as I was in the habit of occasionally sleeping with a friend, I should repair to his house in preference to disturbing my mother at that unseasonable hour. This she strenuously opposed, and being assured that my mother would suffer no uneasiness from my absence, made up a bed for me in the front room and then retired to her own chamber.
I now addressed myself to sleep, but in a short time was awoke by a slight noise in the room, and on rising to discover the cause was highly astonished to see the door open and Miss Jane in her nightdress enter the apartment.
Ere I could recover from my surprise at her unexpected appearance, she proceeded to inform me that her mother could not rest while I remained in such an uncomfortable situation. The fire in the bedroom had not been extinguished, and if I would remove my bed thither and place it before the stove I should at all events suffer less from cold than in the large apartment I at present occupied. I lost no time in complying with her request, and my thoughts being perfectly innocent, notwithstanding the peculiar situation in which I found myself, I was soon wrapped in the downy arms of sleep.
I awake-for now in trembling accents I hear my name pronounced!
With tender sighs and faltering tongue she expressed her anxiety.
"My God!" she said, "never till this moment did I feel how very dear you are to me, never could I forgive myself should your health be injured in consequence of the uneasy manner in which you are compelled to pass the night."
In vain did I assure her that I felt perfectly comfortable; she begged I would allow her to quit her own and share her daughter's bed; this I would by no means suffer, and wishing her goodnight, I once again addressed myself to sleep. Not so, however, did the widow, for after a pause of some moments she thus resumed the conversation.
"My dearest boy, think me not imprudent when I say I cannot sleep in quiet while you remain in that comfortless position. It shall not be, I will not sacrifice to false delicacy the health of him I hold most dear.
Why should I doubt your honour? Have I not already proved it in the many hours we have passed together, and alone? Can I forget the many opportunities my fondness hath yielded you, which you have not attempted to abuse, then why should I doubt you now? Promise me, then, promise me faithfully that you will not abuse my weakness, and share my bed till morning."
I did not hesitate to make the desired promise, and the next moment she received me in her arms.
As I found upon pressing my lips to hers that she uttered no complaints, but even condescended to return my kisses, I forgot my usual caution and, encouraged by her innocent caresses, was proceeding to still greater liberties when, with a sudden effort, she forced herself from me, exclaiming in a voice more stern and decided than ever she had used to me before, "Is this the way you keep your word?"
She turned from me as she spoke, and, inexperienced as I was in the ways of love, it is impossible to describe the chilling effect of these words, uttered in anger, as they really appeared; and, strange as it may seem, yet not more strange than true, I drew myself to the utmost verge of the bed, and lay till morning without again daring to approach her.
Soon after daybreak, I heard my bedfellow preparing to arise, but still I feared to speak or look; the words she last uttered were still ringing in my ears, and shame so overpowered me that I thought it was utterly impossible I could ever look on her again. At this moment, having dressed herself, to my great surprise, she walked to my side, and kissing me with the greatest fondness thus expressed herself: "My dearest love, I can judge by your feelings how hard a victory you have gained over your passions; your conduct this night has rendered you more dear to me than ever. It must be my care to avoid such temptation to us both in future."
With these words, and a kiss still warmer than before, she left the room.
I instantly arose, we breakfasted together, and I departed to excuse my absence in the best way I could to my mother, who never suspected the truth of the story I invented.
My visits to the widow were now repeated more frequently than before; all our former toyings were acted over and over again, and as each day made me somewhat bolder so each day would I venture some trifling encroachment on the freedom I had been permitted on the preceding one; and I at length came to the determination, should fortune favour me with an opportunity similar to the one I have but now described, that I would avail myself of it to the fullest extent.
The wished-for period at length arrived; I had learnt several new songs, which I had sung with the greatest applause at several morning and evening concerts, and on the night in question, being entirely disengaged, I told my mother not to be alarmed if I did not return till the next day as I had promised to sup at the house of a patron, who would in all probability insist on my taking a bed, the party usually being a late one.
I had not seen my love-stricken widow for two days, and her joy was excessive when I informed her that it was in my power to spend the evening with her. Her daughter Jane, being rather unwell, retired to bed soon after tea, and we were left alone.
She had seen by the concert bills where I had been engaged, and gently chid me that I had not previously sung them to her, begging I would not deprive her of the pleasure a moment longer. I drew my chair close to hers; and as, in the intervals of singing, I perceived tears of pleasure trickling down her cheeks, I would clasp her slender waist and stop her breath with kisses.
The clock now striking one recalled her to herself; and she started up, reminded me of the hour, and urged me to depart. I gave her what I termed a parting kiss, put on my hat and gloves, and proceeded towards the door; when, suddenly assuming a look of extreme vexation, I exclaimed, "Can anything be more unfortunate! I find I have forgot to bring my key and my mother is now absent on a visit."
She was evidently confused for a moment, but her confusion speedily gave way to fears for my safety, as I said: "Well, no matter. Good-night!
I can amuse myself by walking through the town till morning."
She hastily seized my arm, exclaiming, "Oh, not for! worlds! Exposed all night in the open street, what dangers may not menace you-I shudder at the thought. No, since it has so happened, I will sit up with you and converse till daylight."