But, fancying that they still regarded me with suspicion, I thought it prudent to remove from my lodgings; and in a few months after I had the satisfaction to hear that they had married their daughter much above their expectations.
I now resided with a most respectable family, to whom my own parents had been known, where I pursued my studies for some time without interruption; but I was not long to enjoy this tranquil life-my evil genius, in the widow's form, eternally pursuing me.
One evening I left home to attend a rehearsal. I had not proceeded more than fifty yards when suddenly I found my progress arrested by a pair of arms from behind me clasping my waist! I was about to speak, but my breath was stopped by a multitude of burning kisses. Thus, having neither power to move or speak, I pushed the party off and turned my eyes around, when they instantly encountered the amorous glances of-the devil! — that perpetual plague, the widow!
She wept, entreated, begged I would accompany her home, only to hear her; she had something much to my advantage to communicate to me. In vain I remonstrated, threatened, and pleaded the urgency of my engagements; I could not shake her off; and now, to add to my confusion, our animated conversation had arrested the attention of the passers-by. I found myself surrounded by a crowd of gazers. Ready to sink through the earth with shame in order to escape-though bursting with rage, indignation, and hatred-I seized my tormentor's arm and broke through the crowd, nor spoke one word or halted till we reached her house at Chelsea.
Here, as I suspected, the whole artillery of tears, protestations, groans, etc., were brought in force against me. She threw her arms around my neck; she continued to press warm kisses on my reluctant lips, and clasped me to her bosom-which was really beautiful and in the struggle had escaped its covering. Pity the weakness of human nature when I confess that every moment my efforts to escape became more feeble; a pleasurable sensation, in spite of my previous resolution, came stealing o'er my senses. I actually returned her kiss. How can I describe the effect this had upon the widow! Tears of pleasure gushed from her eyes; she drew me towards her, andI forgot her persecutions-I only remember that a lovely woman was before me-longing, loving, tempting-I clasped her in my arms, and then and there administered to her a most profound and sagacious futtering. A natural sense of justice compels me to admit that the widow was a highly responsive and satisfactory bedfellow, and I even found it in my heart to envy the late lamented-who having married her when she was only fifteen was presumably (though by no means certainly!) the first to convey his dart in the (then) tender and closely clinging vagina. Nevertheless, when I afterwards reflected on the dilemma in which I had again involved myself, I cursed my weakness a thousand times; and as I gazed upon her sleeping form all my disgust returned with threefold violence.
The morning now began to dawn; it was in the month of August; I gently left the bed and hurried on my clothes; with some difficulty I reached the street-door. Already I imagined I had regained my liberty but-oh! curse on her precaution! — it was locked, and the key was missing!
I was returning in despair to the bedroom when I perceived the parlour door had not been fastened; it was a momentary impulse; I eagerly entered, threw up the sash, the shutter-fastening yielded to my touch, I leaped into the garden, gained the high road, and arrived at my lodgings as the family were sitting down to breakfast; to them I related the incident of my meeting with the widow (concealing of course my unjustifiable weakness), and implored my friend should she make enquiry for me in the course of the day that he would say I had left his house on the previous evening and had not yet returned.
I had scarcely obtained this promise from him when she knocked at the door. My friend had much difficulty in persuading her to depart. She begged with tears that he would allow her to wait till I returned; when he refused, her conduct became so very outrageous that he was compelled to thrust her into the street and close the door against her.
For upwards of a fortnight we were annoyed by her daily visits; and as my friend continued to deny me, her rage at length became ungovernable. Frequently would the violence of her language draw a crowd round the house, to whom she would detail the story of her wrongs, and, as may be imagined, did not always keep within the boundaries of truth. Although such conduct was particularly unpleasant, it ultimately became the means of ridding me for ever from my tormentor.
One evening, after vainly endeavouring to see me, she so far forgot herself as to publicly insinuate to the listening crowd that the wife and daughter of my friend were little better than prostitutes, and that I was encouraged there for the vilest purposes. The neighbours, indignant at hearing a most respectable family thus vilified, and determined to put an end to such disgusting conduct, prevailed on my friend to send for an officer and place her in his custody.
During the time the servant was gone in quest of a constable, the memory of the pleasant hours I had formerly spent in the widow's society made me extremely unwilling to see her placed in durance vile; yet perfectly convinced that something must be done to curb the fury of her dangerous tongue, I imparted a plan to my friend to which, notwithstanding the abuse she had so unjustly lavished on his family, he instantly assented. Accordingly, on the arrival of the officer, she was brought into the house, where, in the presence of myself, my friend, the officer, and all the family, it was intimated to her that she was then in custody on a charge of defamation and for creating a disturbance in the street. On finding herself in this unexpected difficulty-die fears of being conveyed to a watch-house for the night, together with the recollection of her children at home-excited such terror in her mind that she fell upon her knees, and with tears in her eyes earnestly implored forgiveness. She acknowledged the charges against my friend and his family were totally unfounded, and uttered in a moment of extreme passion that she had no recollection of having used the disgraceful language now imputed to her.
This was what I expected-die very moment I had waited for. My friend immediately assisted her to rise and offered to forego all further proceedings against her, to dismiss the officer, and allow her to depart, upon her solemn promise never to annoy me more; he at the same time pointed out to her the folly of her late behaviour, which was much more calculated to create disgust than to recall the fleeting affections of a wandering lover. She acknowledged the justness of his reasoning and gave the required promise, only begging that we might part on friendly terms. She advanced towards me and offered her hand for a parting shake. I gave it. My friend escorted her to the door, and thus ended my amour with the fair widow of Chelsea.
I felt great pleasure at this amicable arrangement of a very unpleasant affair and determined to avoid in future anything that might lead me into a similar situation; in fact I absolutely rejected several overtures which might have led me into connections of an interesting nature. I became unusually dull, and would not positively understand the advances of several fair friends; so much did I prize the liberty I now enjoyed, compared with the annoyances to which I had so long been subjected.
My engagements rendering it necessary that I should remove nearer to the patent theatres, I secured myself comfortable lodgings not a mile from Covent Garden, which played the very devil with my virtuous resolution; for it happened that the very next room to mine was occupied as a sleeping room by a young couple newly married; and, the partition being rather slight, I was enabled without difficulty to overhear each night the most endearing language, which was occasionally followed by sounds, to translate the meaning of which would drive sleep from my eyes for hours together. The voice of the female was soft and musical! How did I long to get a sight of her! Every plan I tried to obtain this object failed; and every time my plans failed my imagination painted her still more beautiful. In my mind's eye she was a very Venus.