“Nailsworth.”
“It’s Burton. Listen, don’t talk. Call Lopez, Sheridan, Miller, Morales, O’Hara, Crumb, Connelly, and LeMay. Tell them to come in full SWAT to the Beer Bar Ranch north of Pine Cove, the northern access road. There’s a cave here. Pull up whatever maps you need and give them directions. Do not use open channels. They are not to log in or report to anyone where they are going. There are at least two suspects in the cave with automatic weapons. I’m pinned down about ten yards from the west-facing entrance. Have them meet south of the rocks, they’ll see them, then have Sheridan call me. No aircraft. Find out if there’s another entrance to this cave. I need everyone in place ASAP. Can you do it?”
“Of course,” the Spider said. “It’s going to take them a minimum of forty minutes, maybe more if I can’t find them all.”
Burton could hear the Spider’s fat fingers blazing on his keyboard already. “Send whoever you can find. Tell them to come in separate cars. Tell them to avoid sirens if possible on the way up, definitely once they hit the ranch.”
“Do you have descriptions of the suspects?”
“It’s Theophilus Crowe and a woman, five-eight, one twenty, twenty-five to forty years old, gray hair, wearing a leather bikini.”
“Twenty-five to forty? Pretty specific,” the Spider said sarcastically.
“Fuck you, Nailsworth. How many women do you think are running around these hills wearing a leather bikini and shooting an AK? Call me when they are on the way.” Burton disconnected and checked the battery on the phone. It would last.
Since the roaring sound had come from the cave, it had been quiet, but he didn’t dare peek over the edge of the crevice. “Crowe!” he shouted. “It’s not too late to work this out!”
The naked guys were standing over Theo, wearing dazed smiles, as if they’d all just shared a big pipe of opium. “Jesus, was that it?” Theo asked, Steve’s roar still ringing in his ears.
“Him,” Molly corrected, holding up a finger to shush Theo as she pressed the answer button on his phone. “Hello,” she said into the phone. “None of your business. Who is this?” She covered the mouthpiece and said, “It’s Gabe.”
“Tell him I’m okay. Ask him where he is.”
“Theo says he’s okay. Where are you?” She listened for a second, then covered the mouthpiece again. “He’s at the Slug.”
“Tell him I’ll call him right back.”
“He’ll call you back.” She disconnected and tossed the phone in the pile of clothing by the door.
Theo looked up at the naked guys. He thought he recognized a couple of them, but didn’t want to acknowledge that he did. “Would you guys back off a little?” Theo said. They didn’t move. Theo looked at Molly. “Can you tell them to go somewhere? They’re making me nervous.”
“Why?”
“Molly, I don’t know if you’ve notice, but all these guys are in a—a state of arousal.”
“Maybe they’re just glad to see you.”
“Would you tell them to back off, please?”
Molly motioned for the naked guys to move away. “Go. Go. Back to the back of the cave, guys. Go. Go. Go.” She poked at a couple of them with the assault rifle. Slowly they turned and ambled farther back into the cave.
“What in the hell is wrong with them?”
“What do you mean, wrong? They’re acting like all guys do, they’re just being more honest about it.”
“Molly, seriously, what did you do to them?”
“I didn’t do anything. That’s how they’ve been acting since they saw Steve back there.”
Theo looked to the back of the cave, but could only see the partially lit backs of a group of people sitting on the cave floor. “It’s like they’re in a trance or something.”
“Yeah, isn’t it cool? They came to help me get you when I asked, though. So they’re not total zombies. I’m, like, in charge.”
Blood was dripping out of Theo’s scalp, matting his hair and leaving spots on his shirt. “That’s great, Molly. Could you get these handcuffs off me?”
“I was going to ask you about those. Every time I see you, you’re in handcuffs. Do you have a fetish or something?”
“Please, Molly, there’s a key in my front pocket.”
“He gave you the key?”
“It’s my key.”
“I see,” Molly said with a knowing smile.
“Handcuffs all use the same key, Molly. Please help me get out of these.”
She knelt and reached into his pocket, keeping her eyes locked on his through the process. His head throbbed when he rolled over so she could get to the cuffs.
As she pulled them off, they heard Burton call from outside. “Crowe! It’s not too late to work this out!”
Once his hands were free, Theo threw his arms around Molly and pulled her close. She dropped her rifle and returned his embrace. Another roar emanated from the back of the cave. A couple of the pilgrims shrieked and Molly let go of Theo and stood up, gazing back into the darkness.
“It’s okay, Steve,” she said.
“What in the hell was that?” Burton shouted from outside.
“That was Steve,” Molly shouted back. “You were asking what happened to Joseph Leander. Well, that was it. Steve ate him.”
“How many of you are in there?” Burton asked.
Molly looked around. “A bunch.”
“Who in the hell are you?”
“I am Kendra, Warrior Babe of the Outland.” She shot a silly grin at Theo, who was trying to follow what was going on up here, while listening to some disturbing stirring noises going on in the back of the cave.
“What do you want?” Burton asked.
Without a beat, Molly said, “Ten percent of the gross on all my films, retroactive fifteen years, an industrial-strength weed-whacker with gas, and world peace.”
“Seriously. We can work this out.”
“Okay. I want sixty peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, a couple of gallons of Diet Coke, and…” She turned to Theo, “You want anything?”
Theo shrugged. Hell, as long as they were stalling. “A new Volvo station wagon.”
“And a new Volvo station wagon,” Molly shouted. “And we want it with two cup holders, you bastard, or the deal’s off.” She turned and beamed at Theo.
“Nice touch.”
“You deserve it,” Molly said. Suddenly her eyes went wide as she looked past Theo. “No, Steve!” she screamed.
Theo rolled over to see a huge pair of jaws descending over him.
Twenty-eight
To Burton, it sounded like there could be thirty or forty people wailing in the cave, let alone whatever was making the roaring noise. It might not be as easy to get rid of witnesses as he’d thought. If all the people he’d passed on the road earlier were in the cave, the SWAT snipers were going to have their work cut out for them. One thing was for sure, he couldn’t let Crowe and this woman, whoever she was, leave the ranch alive.
His cell phone rang and he pushed the answer button. “What?” He set his gun down and covered his ear to shut out the noise from the cave.
“Nailsworth here,” the Spider said. “They’re on the way. Give it forty minutes. And there’s no other entrance to that cave.”
Burton was not happy, having to lie in this crevice for another forty minutes, but once the SWAT team arrived, it would be over. “Nailsworth, shot in the dark here, but have you ever heard of someone calling themselves Kendra, Warrior Babe of the Wasteland?”
“The Outland,” the Spider corrected. “Warrior Babe of the Outland. Of course, only the finest series of nuked-out future movies ever made. Kendra’s a huge star. Was a huge star. Molly Michon was the actress’s name. Why?”
“Never mind. One of the suspects thinks she’s a comedian.”
“If you want some of the cassettes, I can let you have some copies for twenty bucks apiece. I’ve got almost the whole collection.”