Prior put his mouth on the slit of the penis. What was he doing? That would wipe him out the moment the gas emerged.
Then the demon staggered and disappeared. Prior dropped to the ground, managing to land on his feet.
“What happened?” Tantamount asked, astonished.
“I put the Spire in my throat,” Prior explained. “I farted before he did.”
Amazed, she had to laugh. So obvious, yet she and the demon had missed it.
“Oh, Prior, you’re so clever!” She ran up and kissed him.
“Now we can go home and get married.”
“Not so fast.”
She turned. There were all five of the Cherry Tree Branches standing around them.
Chapter 27—Three Curses
Prior stared. “But I abolished you!” he said somewhat dully.
“Listen, shit for brains,” the ugly First Branch said. “After the way you hoodwinked us on Mount Icecream, we resolved not to be caught that way again.”
“Yet despite your unprepossessing appearance,” the shapely Second Branch said, “we found you to be a satisfying sexual partner, so we decided to salvage you.”
“So we made a plan,” the grotesque Third Branch said, his stubby telescoping penis jiggling. “We resolved that should we discover ourselves to be on the verge of defeat, we would invoke an escape mechanism.”
“Thus avoiding destruction,” the voluptuous Fourth Branch said, shifting rapidly through several animal forms. “Thus we deceived you by decamping rather than dissolving.”
The monstrous ever-rigid phallus of the Fifth Branch, the full grown eeg, twitched. It spurted a thin line of taffy as it wiggled. The taffy landed on the ground and spelled out a message in script: In short, we cheated.
“But that’s not fair!” Prior protested.
“Yeah?” the first Branch asked belligerently.
“So what are you going to do about it, loser?”
“I’ll put you away again,” Prior retorted with obviously false bravado.
“All of us at once?” the Third Branch inquired with a warty nosed sneer.
“Yet it need not be an arduous confinement,” the Fourth Branch said with a truly lovely smile.
“My sister and I will use you for frequent sex, and our brothers will have similar use for your girlfriend. All you have to do is agree.”
“I hope you don’t agree,” the First Branch said. “Then we’ll have a pretext to rape both of you until your holes turn inside out.”
Prior looked at Tantamount.
“This is awkward,” she said. “But faced with their reneging, I must say that it is not hard to get along with them, if you don’t fight them. They are fair minded, for demons, and if you give them what they want, they are tolerant and even generous in other respects.”
“But all they want is sex and the Spire!”
She nodded. “What is your point?”
“I can’t abide letting them win by cheating. It just isn’t right.”
“Your sentiment becomes you. But unless you have a way to enforce your victories, we must be practical.”
Prior sought better advice. “Spire, what can we do?”
“I doubt the Spire can help you now,” the Second Branch said. “It is our purpose to keep and protect the Spire. It is our reason for being.”
She smiled and stroked her luscious outline. “Really, Prior, we are offering you a reasonable alternative. We’ll even allow you to have some sex with your girlfriend when we aren’t using the two of you.”
“Voyeurism can be fun,” the Fourth Branch agreed, making her voluptuous flesh quiver.
Meanwhile the Spire made a small gout in Prior’s mouth. YOU CAN’T OVERPOWER THE CHEATING EEGS. THE ONLY CHANCE IS THE MAGIC FART.
A magic fart? We’ve been using them all along.
THE
THE MAGIC FART. THAT WILL SUMMON EGG. BUT THAT’S DANGEROUS.
I don’t care what it is or who it calls. If it solves this problem, I’m for it. Loose the Magic Fart!
YOUR FOOLISH WISH IS MY COMMAND. AIM ME AT THE SKY.
Prior tilted his head back and opened his mouth so that the tip of the
Spire had access to the sky.
“Look out!” the Third Branch cried. “He’s really going for the Magic Fart!”
All five demons pounced on Prior. But the Spire was already loosing the Fart. It powered out of his mouth like the hiss of a jet engine, making a lurid burning column in the sky, expanding as it went.
The demons landed on Prior and bore him to the ground. The First Branch had one arm, the Third Branch the other arm, and the Fifth Branch his legs. The sultry Second Branch’s tight cleft was in his face, and he felt the cool plush bottom of the dusky Fourth Branch on his crotch. They had overpowered him. But the Fart had been loosed, and was on its way to summon EGG.
“Piss, poop, and damnation!” the First Branch swore. “The thing is out. It will accelerate to E=MC cubed.”
“It will scorch Earth’s atmosphere and warm the globe five degrees,” the Second Branch said, her petite vulva quivering with horror. Indeed, the ambient temperature already seemed warmer. “And that’s before it gets its second wind.”
“It will blow the corona off the sun as it passes,” the Third Branch said. “Before it gets its third wind.”
“And finally lodge in the very center of the galaxy,” the Fourth Branch said, taking Prior’s stiffening penis into her eager vagina. “Which it will solidly plug.”
“Which should get the attention of the Eldest God of the Galaxy,” Tantamount said.
“Now if you demons will kindly let my man up, maybe we can make ourselves presentable for his arrival.”
The demons hastily let Prior go, though not before the Spire had tickled Second’s vagina with a thin jet of laughing gas, making her giggle, and Fourth had evoked a driblet of pleasure from Prior’s captive penis.
“Now you were giving us the choice between cooperation or rape,” Tantamount said to the demons. “What will you offer us to intercede for you when EGG comes?”
The demons were obviously shaken, fearing the wrath of EGG. “Absolute servile loyalty and service,” First said.
“Sex, whenever and however either or both of you want it,” Second said.
“And information,” the Third Branch said. “Beginning with this: you are in danger too, but there is a way out for all of us.”
“Ask for the Punishment of the Three Curses,” Fourth said.
Fifth squirted script. And apply your curses to others, not yourself.
Tantamount turned to Prior. “Does that make sense?”
“Does it?” Prior asked the Spire.
YES, IF USED INTELLIGENTLY.
Then all became perhaps moot, as an incredible effulgence formed around them. This coalesced into a giant scintillating man, flanked by a woman so luscious it was difficult to gaze directly at her. The five demons fell to the ground, groveling. This was evidently EGG, the Eldest God of the Galaxy.
“Welcome, O EGG,” First quavered.
“And Favored Concubine of the Moment,” Second breathed.
“Cut the crap. Who abused the Spire?” EGG demanded, assuming a less effulgent aspect.
“I did,” Prior said, as boldly as he could manage. “I demand the Punishment of the Three Curses.”
EGG considered. “That could be interesting. Very well, name your curses.”
PHRASE YOUR DESIRES NEGATIVELY, the Spire warned.
“Shut up, dildo,” EGG snapped. “You have proved to be more trouble than you’re worth. I’ll abolish you after destroying this human miscreant and the errant eegs.”