They didn't speak on the way back, and when they arrived, they were both glad that people were either inside the lodge, or at some distance from it. Neither of them was in a mood for casual conversation. As soon as they stopped, Jondalar dismounted and headed for the front entrance. He turned back just as Ayla was going into the annex, feeling he should say something.
"Uh… Ayla?"
She stopped and looked up.
"I meant it, you know. I'll never forget this afternoon. The ride, I mean. Thank you."
"Don't thank me, Jondalar. Thank Racer."
"Yes, well, Racer didn't do it alone."
"No, you did it with him."
He started to say something else, then changed his mind, frowned, looked down, and went in through the front archway.
Ayla stared for a moment at the place he had been, closed her eyes, and struggled to swallow down a sob that threatened to start a flood. When she regained her composure, she went in. Though the horses had drunk from streams along the way, she poured water into their large drinking bowls, then pulled out the soft leather cloths, and started rubbing down Whinney again. Soon she just had her arms around the mare, leaning against her, her forehead pressed on the shaggy neck of her old friend, the only friend she'd had when she lived in the valley. Soon Racer was leaning on her, and she was caught in a vise between the two horses, but the familiar pressure was comforting.
Mamut had seen Jondalar come in the front, and heard Ayla and the horses in the annex. He had the distinct feeling that something was very wrong. When he saw her come into the Mammoth Hearth, her disheveled appearance made him wonder if she had fallen and hurt herself, but it was more than that. Something was troubling her. From the shadows of his platform he watched her. She changed, and he noticed her clothing was torn. Something must have happened. Wolf came racing in, followed by Rydag and Danug, who proudly held up a net bag with several fish in it. Ayla smiled and complimented the fishers, but as soon as they headed for the Lion Hearth to deposit their catch and collect more compliments, she picked up the young wolf and held him in her arms, and rocked back and forth. The old man was worried. He got up and walked over to Ayla's bed platform.
"I'd like to go over the Clan ritual with the root again," Mamut said. "Just to make sure we do everything right."
"What?" she said, her eyes focusing on him. "Oh… if you want, Mamut." She put Wolf into his basket, but he immediately jumped out and headed for the Lion Hearth and Rydag. He was in no mood to rest.
She had obviously been deep in some thought that was distressing her. She looked as though she had been crying, or was about to. "You said," he began, trying to get her to talk, and perhaps unburden herself, "Iza told you how to prepare the drink."
"Yes."
"And she told you how to prepare yourself. Do you have everything you need?"
"It's necessary to purify myself. I don't have exactly the same things, it's a different season, but I can use other things to cleanse myself."
"Your Mog-ur, your Creb, he controlled the experience for you?"
She hesitated. "Yes."
"He must have been very powerful."
"The Cave Bear was his totem. It chose him, gave him power."
"In the ritual with the root, were others involved?"
Ayla hung her head, then nodded.
There was something she hadn't told him, Mamut thought, wondering if it was important. "Did they assist him in controlling it?"
"No. Creb's power was greater than all of them. I know, I felt it."
"How did you feel it, Ayla? You never did tell me. I thought women of the Clan were barred from participating in the deepest rituals."
She looked down again. "They are," she mumbled.
He lifted her chin. "Perhaps you should tell me about it, Ayla."
She nodded. "Iza never did show me how to make it, she said it was too sacred to be wasted for practice, but she tried to tell me exactly how to do it. When we got to the Clan Gathering, the mog-urs didn't want me to make the drink for them. They said I was not Clan. Maybe they were right," Ayla added, putting her head down again. "But, there was no one else."
Was she pleading for understanding? Mamut wondered.
"I think I made it too strong, or too much. They didn't finish it all. Later, after the datura and the women's dance, I found it. I was dizzy, all I could think of was that Iza said it was too sacred to be wasted. So I drank it. I don't remember what happened after that, and yet I'll never forget it. Somehow, I found Creb and the mog-urs, and he took me all the way back to the beginning of the memories. I remember breathing the warm water of the sea, burrowing in the loam… Clan and the Others, we both come from the same beginnings, did you know that?"
"I'm not surprised," Mamut said, thinking how much he would have given for that experience.
"But I was frightened, too, especially before Creb found me, and guided me. And… since then, I'm… not the same. Sometimes my dreams frighten me. I think he changed me."
Mamut was nodding. "That could explain it," he said. "I wondered how you could do so much without training."
"Creb changed, too. For a long time, it wasn't the same between us. With me, he saw something he hadn't seen before. I hurt him, I don't know how, but I hurt him," Ayla said, as tears welled up.
Mamut put his arms around her as she cried softly on his shoulder. Then her tears became the threatened flood, and she sobbed and shook with more recent grief. Her sadness for Creb brought up the tears she had been holding back, the tears of her sorrow, confusion, and thwarted love.
Jondalar had been watching from the cooking hearth. He had wanted to go to her, somehow make amends, and was trying to think of what to say when Mamut went over to talk to her. When he saw Ayla crying, he was sure she had told the old shaman. Jondalar's face burned with shame. He couldn't stop thinking about the incident on the steppes, and the more he thought about it, the worse it became.
And afterward, he said to himself, all you did was walk away. You didn't even try to help her, didn't even try to tell her you were sorry, or how terrible you felt. Jondalar hated himself and wanted to leave, to pack up everything and leave, and not face Ayla or Mamut, or anyone, again, but he had promised Mamut he would stay until after the Spring Festival. Mamut already must think I am contemptible, he thought. Would breaking a promise be that much worse? But it was more than his promise that held him. Mamut had said Ayla might be in danger, and no matter how much he hated himself, how much he wanted to run away, Jondalar could not leave Ayla to face that danger alone.
"Do you feel better now?" Mamut said, when she sat up and wiped her eyes.
"Yes," she said.
"And you were not harmed?"
Ayla was surprised by his question. How did he know? "No, not at all, but he thinks so. I wish I could understand him," she said, as tears threatened again. Then she tried to smile. "I didn't cry so much when I lived with the Clan. It made them uneasy. Iza thought I had weak eyes, because they watered when I was sad, and she would always treat them with special medicine when I cried. I used to wonder if it was just me, or if all the Others had watery eyes."
"Now you know." Mamut smiled. "Tears were given to us to relieve pain. Life is not always easy."
"Creb used to say a powerful totem is not always easy to live with. He was right. The Cave Lion gives powerful protection, but difficult tests, too. I have always learned from them, and have always been grateful, but it is not easy."
"But necessary, I believe. You were chosen for a special purpose."
"Why me, Mamut?" Ayla cried out. "I don't want to be special. I just want to be a woman, and find a mate, and have children, like every other woman."