So much for first impressions. But what about the cameras? What of those precision instruments so infinitely more reliable than the human eye? Did not the high-speed, sensitized film reveal the truth about Jonathan Relevant?
After all, the American submarine was equipped with the most advanced photographic equipment developed by the Japanese. And the Russian vessel was outfitted with the most precise cameras yet invented by the Germans. So what did these films show?
Nothing!
Absolutely nothing!
Both sets of film revealed the drift of fallout, the movements of water and ice, even the tiny details of the periscopes of the opposing subs on the horizon. But of Jonathan Relevant there was not a trace! Neither then nor later was a camera ever developed which was capable of recording his image!
“What do you mean he doesn’t register on film, Ginzburg?” the Wartoy captain demanded of the photographer’s mate. “What the hell is he? A vampire or something?”
“I don’t know, sir.” Secretly, Ginzburg hoped Jonathan Relevant did turn out to be a vampire. It would serve that lousy anti-Semite of a captain right!
Ginzburg dwelled on the idea. He could just see the captain on the iceberg trying to shove a crucifix of hammered silver in the face of Jonathan Relevant. “In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost. . . .” Ginzburg imagined the captain chanting the words.
And then, Ginzburg envisioned Jonathan Relevant drawing himself up to his full Semitic height, looking down his long, proud, hooked nose at the captain, and speaking in the sonorous voice of the rabbi who had bar-mitzvahed Ginzburg: “Oy! Hev you ever got the wrong vampire, schmuck!”
And then Jonathan Relevant would pounce on the captain and eat him all up, right down to his bigoted Navy WASP toenails!
“Ginzburg!” The captain’s voice banished the daydream. “Snap out of it. Get your cameras ready. We’re going up!”
When Admiral Churkov saw the Wartoy starting to surface, he gave the order for the Glubtub to do likewise. Landing parties on both vessels scrambled into lead suits. These would protect them against the radioactivity when they emerged on deck and proceeded to the iceberg for the initial confrontation with Jonathan Relevant.
Both parties accomplished this simultaneously. The Wartoy captain headed the American landing party himself. Admiral Churkov led the Russian group. They faced each other with hostility over the head of the naked Jonathan Relevant, who was now seated on the iceberg.
“We’ve rescued you.” The American captain took hold of one naked shoulder. “You’ll be safe aboard our ship.”
“Nyet.” The Russian admiral grasped the other shoulder and spoke in Russian. “In the name of the Supreme Soviet, I offer you the hospitality of our vessel.”
“How do you feel?” Dr. Ludmilla Skivar, her trained eye paying homage to Jonathan Relevant’s genital reaction at close quarters, posed the question in Russian.
“How do you feel?” Lieutenant Crispus asked in English.
“How do you feel?” Professor Von Schweindrek inquired in German.
“How do you feel?” Ginzburg spoke to Jonathan Relevant in Yiddish.
“My tookus is cold,” Jonathan Relevant replied.
Dr. Skivar heard the answer in flawless Russian. Lieutenant Crispus heard it in English. Professor Von Schweindrek heard it in German. And Ginzburg heard it in Yiddish.
“Let go of his shoulder!” the Wartoy captain insisted. “This man is obviously an American!”
“Since when do Americans speak perfect Russian with a Moscow inflection?” The Russian admiral took a firmer grip.
“I’m really quite chilly,” Jonathan Relevant said.
“Of course.” Admiral Churkov snapped his fingers and a Glubtub seaman threw a blanket over the shivering figure. The letters “U.S.S.R.” stood out in black against the olive-green wool.
Immediately the Wartoy captain signaled a sailor to cover the offensive lettering with an American blanket which had “U.S. Navy” embossed on it. The Russians topped this with a third blanket, and the Americans added a fourth.
This went on until someone once again inquired as to how Jonathan Relevant was feeling.
“Uncomfortably warm,” he replied in all languages at once.
The process was reversed as each side removed the other’s blankets with their offensive lettering. Finally Jonathan Relevant was naked once again. Ginzburg followed Dr. Skivar’s gaze to where Jonathan Relevant’s genitals rested on the iceberg. “Definitely Jewish!” he confirmed to himself.
“Are you an American?” the Wartoy captain asked.
“Are you a Russian?” Admiral Churkov sought confirma- tion.
“Deutsche?" Professor Von Schweindrek inquired.
“Yes! Da! Ja!” was the one-word reply.
“What’s your name?” they asked him in their various languages.
“Jonathan. Ivan. Johann. Jakob” was the one-word answer.
“And your last name?”
No answer.
“He’s been through a lot,” a pharmacist’s mate off the Wartoy remarked to a buddy. “He’s confused. Could be he’s even got amnesia.”
“Anyways,” the other sailor answered. “With the guy sitting there freezing to death, the question ain’t exactly relevant.”
“How else they gonna find out what nationality he is?” the pharmacist's mate argued. “It is so relevant.”
“It ain’t!”
“It is!”
“It ain’t!”
“I’ll prove it is. I’ll ask him.” The pharmacist’s mate addressed the shivering figure directly. “Is it relevant?” he asked softly.
“Tell us your last name!” all the brass were demanding at the same time.
“Relevant?” The naked man repeated the word back to the pharmacist’s mate.
“Jonathan Relevant! Must come from good Yankee stock,” the Wartoy captain decided.
“Ivan Relevant.” The Russian admiral nodded. “It has the ring of the Urals.”
“Jakob ben Relevant.” Ginzburg smiled. “A proud Jewish name.”
“Johann Relevant. Prussian.” Professor Von Schweindrek was positive.
“He’s an American and he’s coming aboard our ship!” The Wartoy captain tugged at Jonathan Relevant’s shoulder.
“Our ship!” Admiral Churkov pulled at Ivan Relevant’s other shoulder.