I aroused her, soothed her and stayed the night in her room.
"You were dreaming," I told her. "You mustn't have these nightmares. They'll be bad for the baby."
Janet and I only had to say something would be bad for the baby and Jessamy would be most concerned. Her life centered round the baby. It was as though she looked upon it as some consolation.
There was so much I wanted to ask Jessamy about her marriage, but I found it difficult to talk of it. I feared I might betray my feelings about Joel.
The inevitable had to happen. I want you to understand, Suewellyn, that neither Joel nor I was wicked. We had both tried hard to stop its happening. But there is something unconventional about us both, and during those first months when I was at the castle we really did try hard, but it was too strong for us.
Jessamy had had to give up riding and I went out alone. One day I met Joel in the woods. I knew he had been waiting for me.
"I had to talk to you," he said. "You know I love you, Anabel."
"You must not say that," I told him rather feebly.
"I must say what is true."
"You married Jessamy."
"Why didn't you come with her that first time? Everything would have been so different if you had."
"Would it?" I asked.
"You know it would. There was a tremendous undeniable attraction between us from the first moment we met, on the altar steps. That was significant. Oh, Anabel, if it had only been you!"
I struggled to remember my loyalty to Jessamy.
"But it wasn't," I insisted. "And you married Jessamy. Why did you, if you didn't love her?"
"I told you about my first marriage. I had to marry again. I wanted children. I had waited years. That is what is so ironical. If only I had waited a little longer ..."
"It's too late now."
He leaned towards me. "It's never too late."
"But Jessamy is your wife ... soon to bear your child."
"You are here," he said, "and I am here... ."
"I think I should leave the castle."
"You must not do that. If you did I should follow you, so you would achieve nothing by going. Anabel, you and I are of a kind; we were meant for each other. It was there between us right from the first. You know that as well as I do. Only rarely in life does one meet the right person at the right time."
"But we have met at the wrong time," I reminded him. "Too late... ."
"We're not going to let ourselves be hemmed in by conventions. We'll push aside these man-made barriers. You're here and I'm here. That's enough."
"No. No," I persisted. "Jessamy is my dear cousin. She is good and quite incapable of disloyalty and unkindness. We must not betray her."
"I tell you we are going to be together, Anabel," he said firmly. "For the rest of our lives, I swear it. Do you think I'm going to let you go? You're not the sort to let conventions ruin your life."
"No, perhaps not. But there is Jessamy. If it were anyone else ..."
"Let's tether our horses here and talk. I want to hold you ... make you understand... ."
"No," I said quickly. "No." And I turned my horse and galloped away.
But it was inevitable. One afternoon he came to my room. Jessamy was sitting in the garden. It was a lovely September day and we were enjoying the sunshine of an Indian summer.
He shut the door and stood there watching me. I had taken off my dress and had been about to change and join Jessamy in the garden.
He took me in his arms and kissed me. He went on kissing me and I was as eager for him as he was for me.
But Jessamy was down there, innocent and unsuspecting, and I clung to the loyalty and love I felt for her.
"No, no," I protested. "Not here."
It was an admission. He held me at arm's length and looked at me.
"You know, Anabel, my love," he said, "that we belong together. Nothing on earth is going to keep us apart."
I did know it.
He went on: "Soon then... ."
And he was smiling.
I don't want to make excuses. There is no excuse. We became lovers. It was wicked of us, but then neither of us is a saint. We could not help it. Our emotions were too strong for us. It is rarely, I am sure, that two people love as we did ... immediately and simultaneously. I am sure to love like that is the happiest state in the world ... if one is free to do so. We tried to forget that we were betraying Jessamy, but of course I could not completely. It was the bitterness in my ecstasy. Perhaps there were times when we were together in closest intimacy when I did forget; but it could not be for long and I found it hard to escape from the memory of Jessamy. She was always in my mind except for those rare moments—and I despised myself for deceiving her because when I looked back I realized that I had known something like this would happen if I came to the castle. I should have been noble and unselfish; I should have taken some post with a disagreeable old woman and pandered to her wishes, taken her nasty little dog for walks, or tried to grapple with the education of little horrors in an alien nursery. I shivered at the thought, and yet, wretched as I should have been, I could have held up my head.
Jessamy had a difficult pregnancy. The doctor said she must keep to her bed, which she did. She was uncomplaining, eagerly looking forward to the day when her child would be born. She was very thoughtful towards me. "You must not stay in all day, Anabel," she said. "Take one of the horses and exercise it."
Dear Jessamy and despicable Anabel! I would take one of the horses and ride to the house in the town, and there Joel and I would be together.
He did not suffer so greatly from remorse as I did. He was a Mateland, and Matelands, I imagined, had never denied themselves the gratification of their senses. That there had been many women before me I was fully aware. Oddly enough I regarded this as a challenge. I was going to keep him devoted to me. I was determined on that. Indeed I was a mixture of contrasts at that time. I was exultant, ecstatic and yet filled with a sense of self-loathing and shame. But one thing I did know and that was that I had to behave as I did. It was as though there was some powerful force driving us together. I think he felt it too. He said there had never been anything like it in his life before, and although this is the sort of thing people say lightly in such circumstances, I believed him.
Understand, Suewellyn, that had this not been a mighty and overpowering emotion in me, a certainty that this was the only man I could ever love, I should not have entered into this relationship. I am not a good woman, but I am not a light one.
So while Jessamy was awaiting the birth of her child, I was making ardent love with her husband. We were completely absorbed in each other and it was only when we were alone in that house that we could allow ourselves to act naturally. In the castle we had to cloak our feelings, and we knew we were involved in a highly dangerous situation. It was not only Jessamy we had to deceive, I was constantly aware of David's watching eyes. He was amused by my rejection of him and at the same time his desires were strengthened by it.
If she knew, Emerald paid no attention to this. I dare say she was accustomed to his philanderings. I often caught Elizabeth Larkham watching me closely. She was Emerald's friend and clearly did not approve of David's interest in me.
As for the old man, he would have been highly amused by the situation if he knew of it, I was sure.
It was a strange household. When I was in the castle I was most at peace with young Esmond. We had become good friends. I used to read to him, and we would sit with Jessamy while she worked at some baby garment and I read aloud. It was a comfort to me to have the boy there; I was very uneasy when I was alone with Jessamy.
I believe that the only person who knew what was happening between me and Joel was Dorothy. She was imperturbable and I could not tell what she thought. It occurred to me that women might have come to the house before. I asked Joel about this and he admitted that it had happened once or twice. He assured me vehemently that that had all been very different. There had never been anything like this, and I believed him.