You are not going to change a dog for a cat or a dog for a horse; it is what it is.
Just accepting this fact in your relations with other humans is very important. You cannot change other people. You love them the way they are or you don't. You accept them the way they are or you don't. To try to change them to fit what you want them to be is like trying to change a dog for a cat, or a cat for a horse. That is a fact. They are what they are; you are what you are. You dance or you don't dance. You need to be completely honest with yourself- to say what you want, and see if you are willing to dance or not. You must understand this point, because it is very important. When you truly understand, you are likely to see what is true about others, and not just what you want to see.
If you own a dog or a cat, think about how you relate to your pet. Let's consider your relationship with a dog, for example. The animal knows how to have a perfect relationship with you. When your dog does something wrong, what do you do with your dog? A dog doesn't care what you do; it just loves you.
It doesn't have any expectations. Isn't that wonderful? But what about your girlfriend, your boyfriend, your husband, or your wife? They have so many expectations, and they are changing all the time.
The dog is responsible for its half of the relationship with you. One half of the relationship is completely normal – the dog's half. When you come home, it barks at you, it wags his tail, it pants because it is so happy to see you. It does its part very well, and you know it is the perfect dog. Your part is almost perfect also. You handle your responsibility; you feed your dog; you take care of your dog; you play with your dog. You love your dog unconditionally; you will do almost anything for your dog. You do your part perfectly, and your dog does its part perfectly.
Most people can easily imagine this kind of relationship with their dog, but why not with a woman or with a man? Do you know any woman or any man who is not perfect? The dog is a dog, and that is okay with you. You don't need to be responsible for your dog, to make it be a dog. The dog doesn't try to make you be a good human, a good master. Then why can't we allow a woman to be a woman or a man to be a man and love that human just the way he or she is without trying to change that person?
Perhaps you are thinking, "But what if I am not with the right woman or the right man?" That is a very important question. Of course, you have to choose the right woman or the right man. And what is the right woman, the right man? Someone who wants to go in the same direction as you do, someone who is compatible with your views and your values – emotionally, physically, economically, spiritually.
How do you know if your partner is right for you? Let's imagine that you are a man and a woman is going to choose you. If there are a hundred women looking for a man, and each will look at you as a possibility, for how many of these women will you be the right man? The answer is: You don't know. That is why you need to explore and take the risk. But I can tell you that the right woman for you is the woman you love just the way she is, the woman you don't have the need to change at all. That's the right woman for you. You are lucky if you find the right woman for you and at the same time you are the right man for her.
You are going to be the right man for her if she loves you just the way you are and she doesn't want to change you. She doesn't have to be responsible for you; she can trust that you are going to be what you claim you are, what you project you are. She can be as honest as possible and project to you what she is. She will not come to you pretending to be something that you later discover she is not. The one who loves you, loves you just the way you are. Because if someone wants to change you, it means you are not what that person wants. Then why is she with you?
You know, it's easy to love your dog because your dog doesn't have opinions about you. The dog loves you unconditionally. This is important. Then if your partner loves you just the way you are, it is just like the dog loves you. You can be yourself with your partner; you can be a man, or you can be a woman, just the way the dog can be a dog with you.
When you meet a person, just after the "hello," she starts sending you information right away. She can hardly wait to share her dream with you. She opens herself even if she doesn't know she is doing it. It is so easy for you to see every person just the way she is. You don't need to lie to yourself. You can see what it is you are buying, and you either want it or you don't. But you cannot blame the other person for being a dog, or a cat, or a horse. If you want a dog, then why you are getting a cat? If you want a cat, why would you get a horse or a chicken?
You know the kind of man or woman that you want? The one who makes your heart sing, the one who is aligned with the way you are, the one who loves you just as you are. Why set yourself up for something else? Why not get what you want? Why pretend to make someone fit what she is not? It doesn't mean you don't love her. It means you make a choice and say yes or no, because you love yourself also. You make a choice, and you are responsible for your choices. Then if the choices are not working well, you do not blame yourself. You simply make another choice.
But let's imagine that you get a dog and you love cats. You want your dog to behave like a cat, and you try to change the dog because it never says, "Meow." What are you doing with a dog? Get a cat! This is the only way to begin a great relationship. First you have to know what you want, how you want it, when you want it. You have to know exactly what the needs of your body are, what the needs of your mind are, and what fits well with you.
There are millions of men and women, and each one is unique. Some will make a good match for you, and some won't make a good match at all. You can love everyone; but to deal with a person on an everyday basis, you will need someone more closely aligned to you. That person doesn't need to be exactly like you; the two of you only need to be like a key in the lock – a match that works.
You need to be honest with yourself, and honest with everyone else. Project what you feel you really are, and don't pretend to be what you are not. It's as if you are in a market: You are going to sell yourself, and you are also going to buy. In order to buy, you want to see the quality of what you are going to get. But in order to sell, you need to show others what you are. It isn't about being better or worse than someone else; it's about being what you are.
If you see what you want, why not take a risk? But if you see it is not what you want, you know you are going to pay for it. Don't go around crying, "My lover abuses me," when it was so clear for you to see. Don't lie to yourself. Don't invent in people what is not there. This is the message. If you know what you want, you will find it is just like your relationship with your dog, but better.
See what is in front of you; don't be blind or pretend to see what is not there. Don't deny what you see just to get the merchandise when that merchandise will not fit your needs. When you buy something you don't need, it ends up in the garage. It's the same in a relationship. Of course, it can take years for us to learn this painful lesson, but this is a good beginning. If you make a good beginning, the rest is going to be easier because you can be yourself.
Perhaps you already have a certain amount of time invested in a relationship. If you choose to keep going, you can still have a new beginning by accepting and loving your partner just as she is. But first you will need to take a step back. You have to accept yourself and love yourself just the way you are. Only by loving and accepting yourself the way you are can you truly be and express what you are. You are what you are, and that is all you are. You don't need to pretend to be something else. When you pretend to be what you are not, you are always going to fail.