“I know, I remember. But you proved them wrong and won them over.”
“I could never have done it without you,” said Sorak.
“We make a good team,” she said.
Sorak did not reply, and Ryana suddenly felt flooded with uncertainty again. They walked a while in silence, until they reached the bank. Sorak waded right in, without bothering to strip off his high moccasins or leather breeches. He lay back on a large flat rock and put his head in the water, soaking his hair. “Ahhh, that feels good!” he said.
Ryana watched him for a moment, then removed her robe, unlaced her moccasins and untied the leather thong holding back her long, white hair. She and Sorak had seen each other naked more times than she could count, but suddenly, she felt self-conscious. She waded out and took her place beside him on the rock. He moved over to make room for her. Now was the time, she thought. If she didn’t ask him now, she did not know if she would ever get up the courage.
“Sorak... there is something I have been meaning to ask you,” she began hesitantly. She did not quite know how to put it into words. It was the first time in her life she had ever felt awkward about expressing any of her feelings.
“I know what you are going to ask,” said Sorak before she could continue. He sat up and faced her. “I have known for quite some time now.”
“And yet, you have said nothing,” she said. Her mouth suddenly felt dry, and there was a tightness in her chest. “Why?”
Sorak looked away. “Because I have been wrestling with it myself,” he said. “I knew this moment would come, and I have dreaded it.”
Ryana felt as if she were teetering on the brink of an abyss. Those last words had said it all. “You need not go on,” she said flatly. She looked away and bit her lower lip, trying to keep it from trembling. “It was just that... I had hoped...”
“Ryana, I do care for you,” Sorak said, “but we can never be anything more to each other than what we are now.” He sighed. “I could accept you as my lover and my mate, but the Guardian could not.”
“But... why? In all the times that I have spoken with the Guardian, he has never indicated any disapproval of me. What is his objection?”
“Ryana...” Sorak said gently, “the Guardian is female.”
She stared at him, thunderstruck by this sudden revelation. “What? But, he never... I mean, you never said...” Her voice trailed off and she shook her head in confusion. “The Guardian is female?”
“Yes.”
“But... how can that be possible?”
“Ryana, I do not know,” said Sorak helplessly. “Even after all these years, there is much about the way I am I do not fully understand. I do not recall my childhood, my infancy that is, before I was cast out into the desert. The high mistress thinks that the Guardian is female because my mother was my first protector. Perhaps after I had been cast out of the tribe, my young mind somehow created a maternal entity to take over that function. But there is no way of knowing for certain how or why it came to pass. It simply happened. The Guardian is female. Nor is she the only one. At least two of my other aspects are also female. For all I know, there may be others I am not even aware of yet. Perhaps the way I have grown up here at the convent had something to do with it. Who knows? After all, I have been surrounded by females all my life. I have never known another male, nor even seen one.”
Ryana felt utterly confused. “But... you are male! How can a part of you be female? It makes no sense!”
“The mistress says we all have male and female aspects,” Sorak replied. “In my case, those aspects have become separate identities. Different people. The body that we share is male, and I, Sorak, am male, but the Guardian was born female. As were Kivara and the Watcher.”
Ryana stared at him in complete bewilderment. “Kivara? The Watcher? Who are they? I know nothing of them! In all these years, you have never even mentioned them before!”
“And I would not have mentioned them now, save that they felt it was important in this current circumstance,” Sorak replied.
Ryana suddenly felt angry. “After all the years we have known each other, after all we have meant to one another... how could you have kept this from me?”
“I could not have kept it from you,” Sorak said, “but they could, and they did.” He brought his hands up to his head and pressed his fingertips against his temples. It was a sign, Ryana knew, that one of his other aspects was trying to emerge, but that Sorak was struggling to retain control. It caused him terrible headaches, and she had not seen such an inner struggle for a long time.
“How can I possibly explain it you?” he said in a tormented voice. “We have known each other for ten years, Ryana, and yet still you do not truly comprehend what it is to be a tribe of one. You simply do not understand. Perhaps you never shall.”
“How can you say that?” she countered, feeling hurt and angry. “I was the first to speak up for you! I was the first to hold out my hand to you in friendship, and for ten years we have been as close to one another as two people can be. I had hoped we could grow closer, but now... great dragon! Now I do not know what to think!”
He took her hands. “Ryana...” She tried to pull away, but he held on firmly. “No, Ryana, listen to me. Please. I cannot help being the way I am. I, Sorak, can control but my own thoughts and actions. The others with whom I share this body all think the way they choose to think and act the way they choose to act. I can look upon you and see a warm, compassionate, intelligent, and beautiful young woman for whom I can feel desire. But the Guardian, Kivara, and the Watcher are not capable of feeling desire for a woman. Well, Kivara, I must admit, has a certain curiosity, but the Watcher and the Guardian are repelled by the idea of us becoming lovers. They could not allow it.” He brought his hands up to clutch his head and winced with pain. “No! Let me finish!”
Then, abruptly, his hands came down, and a calm, stoic expression came over his features. It was not Sorak anymore. “We should not continue this discussion,” said the Guardian flatly. “It is causing Sorak great distress.”
“Damn you,” said Ryana. “How can you do this to us? You never told me that you were female!”
“You never asked,” the Guardian replied. “How could I have thought to ask? Whenever you spoke to me, it was always with a man’s voice, as you speak to me now!”
“It is not my fault that I exist within a male body,” the Guardian replied. “Had I a choice, it is not the choice I would have made. However, it is something I have learned to accept, as you must learn to accept it.”
This is ridiculous!” Ryana shouted. “Sorak is a man!”
“No, he merely looks like one,” the Guardian replied in a calm voice. “In fact, he is an elfling. He cannot be a man, because he is not human. Or have you forgotten that, as you seem to have forgotten his needs and his feelings in the face of your own selfish desire?”
Reacting instinctively, Ryana slapped the Guardian’s face, but in doing so, she also slapped Sorak, and suddenly realized what she had done. Her hand went to her mouth and she bit down on her knuckle as her eyes went wide with shock. “What have I done? Sorak...”
“Sorak understands, and he forgives you,” said the Guardian. “And for his sake, I shall try to do the same. But you are behaving like a foolish, thoughtless girl who is merely angry because she cannot have her way. And you are only causing Sorak pain. Is that truly what you wish?”
Ryana’s eyes flooded with tears. “No,” she said in a small voice. She shook her head. “No, that is the very last thing I would wish to do.” She stifled a sob, then rose quickly and splashed back to the bank, where she had dropped her robe and moccasins. Without even bothering to put them on, she simply snatched them up and ran back toward the convent..