'Sixpence, Sir,' said Megan.
'Your prices seem to be going up,' said Holmes.
'Special rates for the Gentry,' said Megan, 'I want to better myself in life.'
'Very sensible,' said Holmes. 'Always charge what the market will bear. One of the first lessons to be learned in commercial circles. However, now that Mr. Scott is no longer intruding on my thought processes quite so visibly, I should perhaps begin to explain what I have been about since I left Lady M-'s.'
'And I shall account for myself also,' I said, anxious to demonstrate that I had not been delinquent in my duties as his assistant.
'I have a pretty shrewd idea of what has been happening as far as you and your friends are concerned,' said Holmes.
As he said this there was a positive howl of pleasure from the corner of the room. Gwendolen had achieved her aim of the moment. With a flamboyant gesture she fairly threw down my replica and began to laugh in sheer relief.
'I am sorry,' she said. 'But I did so need that. I do apologise for having interrupted your conversation. Pray continue, I will be quiet now.' She lay stretched out on the carpet like a cat in front of a fire, quite unconcerned that her bush was thus casually displayed.
'As I was saying,' said Holmes, 'much has taken place. I followed Lady M-'s visitor. He had his cab drop him off on the edge of Kensington Gardens. A man was waiting for him under a tree, A horse chestnut, Aesculus Hippocas-tanum, as it is known to the botanist.'
'Yes,' I said, somewhat impatiently.
'A man was waiting for him,' Holmes continued. 'They at once fell into urgent conversation. So intent were they that I was able to creep up on them unobserved.'
'So you were able to overhear what was said,' I interjected.
'Not a word,' said Holmes. 'Far too much wind. A south easterly.'
'How unfortunate,' I said.
'Not at all,' said Holmes, 'I was able to ascertain that money changed hands and that orders were being given. When, shortly afterwards, they parted, I followed the second man as he set off across the park. I had already made a tentative identification but my suspicions were soon confirmed. He crossed Bayswater Road and went into a house near Lancaster Gate. As he was admitted, he was clearly illuminated.'
'Who was it?' I asked eagerly.
'None other than Lord M-himself,' said Holmes. 'My earlier surmise was proved correct.' At this point there was a gasp. Lady M-had caught the sound of the name. She sat bolt upright, her breasts swaying most fetchingly as she clasped her knees together and looked up on us.
'My husband!' she said.
'Indeed yes,' said Holmes. 'You have been the victim of a dastardly scheme.'
'But what am I to do?' she said. 'He must have returned incognito from the Continent in order to spy on me. What a vile thing to do.'
'Do not upset yourself,' said Holmes. 'Now that we have found out all about his nasty little scheme, we can confront him with our knowledge and threaten to expose him to the Authorities.'
'But if this should become public knowledge, I shall never again be able to hold my head up in Society. I shall not be received anywhere and will have to retire to the country. I simply can't abide our place down in Wiltshire. It is huge and draughty and there is hardly anyone there one can fuck.'
'I do not think it will have to come to that,' said Holmes, 'I had in mind not some legal proceedings but a quiet word in the ear of one or two men of affairs close to the Prime Minister. That would be enough to ensure that he is never again employed on any missions of a diplomatic nature and that the Honour he so eagerly covets is never bestowed. There would be no public disgrace but word would get around and he would have to resign from his clubs. His days of influence would beat an end. Blackmail is frowned on in such circles. It casts doubt on one's suitability for much government work.'
'Nor can I bear the thought of having to confront him myself,' said Lady M — . in fact I never want to see the brute again. If he insists on taking up residence again in our house, I will have to leave at once and seek admission to some nunnery where he cannot find me.'
'I hardly think such drastic measures will be called for,' said Holmes, 'I will undertake to handle the whole distasteful business myself. I hope he does not become violent or I may be forced to knock the blackguard down.'
'His is a choleric disposition,' said Lady M-, 'and he is handy with his fists. He once brutally assaulted our Vicar in Wiltshire.'
'An unprovoked attack?' asked Holmes.
'Almost entirely so,' said Lady M-. 'I had had occasion to seek some spiritual comfort and advice and the Vicar had come to the house for that purpose. We were discussing my problems which involved, among others, a nice point of Trinitarian doctrine, when my husband burst into the bedroom quite unannounced and beside himself with rage. He accused the Vicar of intentions of a substantially secular nature and attacked him. The poor man was only able to save himself from further punishment by leaping from the window.
'Luckily there is a well-grown Virginia Creeper on that side of the house-'
'Parthenocissus quinquefolia or tricuspidata?' interrupted Holmes with his customary insistence on scientific accuracy.
'And he was able to scramble down to safety,' went on Lady M-, ignoring the interjection with aristocratic nonchalance. 'My husband flung his cassock, trousers and camera after him but he was in too much of a hurry to stop and pick them up. The curate was sent round for them the next day.
'After that, of course, I was no longer able to attend his services. Luckily the Living is in the gift of a neighbour with whom I have a close understanding, otherwise I am certain that the poor creature would have been turned out of pulpit and vicarage.'
'He sounds the sort of cleric a parish can ill afford to lose,' said Holmes. 'An incumbent with an understanding of the Sins of the Flesh from first hand experience is an asset to his flock.'
'He didn't have a very big Thing,' went on Lady M — , 'but he used it with a surprising degree of invention and precision, unlike my husband who is hung like a prize bull but who wields his weapon more like some medieval siege piece than an instrument of pleasure.
'The vicar also had the sweetest set of balls you have ever seen. When he became agitated, which was often in my presence, they used to swing from side to side like an incense censer being processed down the aisle in a Roman church.'
'A charming picture,' said Holmes, 'but we must complete our plans. Have you any idea who may own the Lancaster Gate house where he appears to be staying?'
'In all probability his cousin Humphrey, a morbid sort of fellow; tall, cadaverous and unsmiling with a stem moral view of Humanity. I only once saw him show any signs of animation and that was when I was telling him of my work with Fallen Women. He expressed deep interest in the Home I was establishing for them and enquired after the means of Correction that were to be used on the inmates.
'I recall that he gave me something of a lecture on the virtues of physical chastisement in cases of moral backsliding. He seemed to regard his own hand as an extension of the Divine Will. He belongs to a like-minded group who call themselves Spankers for the Lord. They devote much of their spare time to what they call Visitations. As many as a dozen of them will descend on a place, usually one of the poorer parts of some Northern manufacturing town, and seek out women of the streets and back alleys. They urge them into the Paths of Repentance, exhorting them to bend before the storms of Righteousness and belabouring their buttocks to drive out Sinfulness. I am told that the sounds of their Redemptive Onslaughts fairly ring through the meaner streets of the North. They have a particular liking for Oldham. At the end of their expeditions, they repair to Buxton or Matlock, sore-handed and worn out with their efforts, and take the waters.'