"Nothing would console me," he said. "But you are right ... I must take what I can get. I will be lucky in everything ... but love."
"You will have to consider yourself fortunate to be lucky in something."
"It is not what I want. Always remember this, Angel. It was not what T wanted."
I felt my resistance weakening and I fought it with all my strength.
It was true that I was falling deeper and deeper in love with him. Not as I had with Gervaise which was a matter of a young girl eager to experience love and imagining it would come from the first charming man she met.
This was different. I had been drawn to Ben from the first. I had a feeling that we belonged together. I had loved Gervaise until I had discovered his weakness and I believed that whatever fresh weakness I discovered in Ben I should continue to love him. Perhaps that was the difference.
I had a suspicion that I might be going to have a baby. I thought at first that this might be because I had become so obsessed with young Pedrek.
It would surely not be surprising. I was young and healthy; so was Gervaise. Why should we not produce a child?
If we had been at home and I was still in love with Gervaise, I should have been delighted at the prospect. I could imagine the fuss there would have been. My mother ... Amaryllis ... taking care of me ... and my child born into comfortable surroundings.
But here! This was no place to bring a child to. I had been wondering how we were going to manage when Morwenna left Golden Hall, which she would have to do soon. She would not want to be Ben's guest forever, although he would raise no objections. How could we manage in the little shack with the baby in his cradle and the difficulty of getting fresh milk and all that was needed? I thought of all the work which would have to be done.
Women had done it before but Morwenna had to rest and I was not used to hard labor.
So ... the prospect of having a child here was very different from what it would have been at home.
Ben said it was impossible for Morwenna to take the child back to the shack. She must stay where she was. Meg and Minnie were all for it. They loved having a baby in the house.
"It is only reasonable," said Ben. "Besides, you will have to come here every day to visit her. I insist that she stay if only a little longer."
I talked it over with Justin and Gervaise.
"It's an excellent idea," said Gervaise. "And why not? There are all those rooms at Golden Hall. What a lucky fellow Ben is to have got himself into such a comfortable spot!"
"He worked for it," I said a little tartly. "He did not gamble everything away as soon as he got it."
Justin was disappointed that Morwenna was staying on, but he knew it was best for her.
So she stayed and the baby flourished.
I was now certain that I was pregnant.
When I told Gervaise he expressed great pleasure.
"Gervaise," I said. "I think we ought to make plans for going home."
"Now?" he said. "After One-Eye's and Cassidy's find?"
"I can't bring up a child here."
"That's months away. We'll have found gold and left by the time the child comes."
"It's seven months, Gervaise."
"Loads of time."
"I don't think so."
He ruffled my hair and gave me his charming smile. "I promise you. We'll go in good time."
I sighed. As Mrs. Penlock used to say, "Some people's promises are like pie crust. Made to be broken." Gervaise's promises were like that.
Beneath the charm there was selfishness. He would do what he wanted and smile affably while he did so, murmuring words of tenderness. I think I completely fell out of love with Gervaise then.
I did not tell Morwenna that I was going to have a child. I thought it would upset her. She would remember her ordeal and how she had come through it by a miracle. She would be fearful for me and I did not want any difficulties to impinge on this bout of perfect happiness she was enjoying now.
One-Eye and Cassidy had gone, on the day after the celebrations, in search of David Skelling, vowing revenge on him when they found him. They had been explicit about what they would do to him.
I talked about it with Gervaise. I said: "You see how this lust for gold arouses the evil in people. It has made a thief of David Skelling."
"He was a thief before that ... and an ex-convict, you know."
"And if they find him, they will kill him. It will make murderers of them. Don't you see, Gervaise? It is wrong. I feel it in this place. When I see the look in those men's eyes ... I can't bear it. They are all looking for gold which will make them rich overnight."
"Overnight!" he cried. "Think of the months of hard work!"
"It's wrong, Gervaise. I just know it. It's worshiping the golden calf."
"Ha!" he said, taking my chin in his hands and kissing me—a gesture which used to charm me and did so no longer.
"Yes, it is like worshiping a goddess ... a golden goddess, which is fundamentally evil because the obsession makes men do evil things to earn her favors."
"You were always fanciful, darling."
"Gervaise," I pleaded, "let's go home. Let's leave all this. Let us face what we left behind. Let us try to live within our income. I am sure Uncle Peter will not be hard on us. He will give us time to pay back what we owe him. I might ask my father to help us. I could explain the situation to him ... if only I could be sure that you were not going to squander everything in this perpetual gambling."
"Everything is going to be all right," he said soothingly. "We are going to find gold. I'm convinced of it. It might even be tomorrow ... Then we'll go home. Our little one will be born into riches. We are going to live happily ever after."
"Let's not wait for the gold, Gervaise."
"Just think what we should feel if we packed up and went and as soon as we left they came up with the richest find ever known. We'd never forgive ourselves."
"I feel in my bones that we must go ... before it is too late."
"I know what's wrong. It's the baby. Women get fancies when they are going to have babies."
"I have had this feeling for a long time."
He kissed me lightly: and I knew that I could never make him understand.
I went to see Morwenna. She was able to take the baby into the garden now. She was still weak, however, and in no condition to return to the shack.
She said: "I shall always be grateful to Ben for allowing me to stay here. I don't know how I could have coped with living in that little place."
"Yes," I said. "Ben has been very helpful."
"Meg and Minnie are wonderful and even Thomas and Jacob come out and look at him. It is rather funny to see them. They are just a bit awkward and feel it is not manly to be interested in babies. I have written to Mother and Pa and told them all about him ... how bright he is. He already knows me."
"Does he?"
"Well, he stops crying when I pick him up."
"That means he is going to be a genius."
It was wonderful to see her so happy. I thought: Happiness is transient ... a moment here and another there ... and then it is gone. One should savor it when it comes and never miss an opportunity of seizing it when it is offered.
"Yes," said Morwenna. "I owe a lot to Ben. The way he rode through the night to Dr. Field. I should have lost my baby but for that." Her eyes closed with horror at the thought. "But he went ... that way ... through the night ... And then letting me stay here. When I try to thank him he won't listen. He says it was nothing. Anyone would have done it. I wish I could repay him."
"His repayment is to see you and the baby well and happy here."
"I wish he could get that land he is trying to buy."
"You mean Morley's land?"
"Morley is obstinate. He's afraid Ben would start mining there and he just wants it for cattle. Justin told me about it. Morley is a stubborn man."