Ben had come up. “Are you going?” he asked.
“I keep thinking of Morwenna. I’m going to see her.”
“Can’t you trust Meg?”
“Yes, of course, but I’d like to be there.”
“I’ll walk you back. I was going anyway. Come on.”
“Good night, Gervaise,” I said.
He put his arms round me and kissed me.
“It will be nice when you are back,” he said.
“It will be soon, I hope. This can’t go on.”
The walk to Golden Hall was not very long. Ben said: “I wanted to talk to you.”
I waited.
“Something has to happen,” he went on. “Soon.”
“Such as what?”
“About everything. The way we are going. I want you to leave Gervaise and come to me.”
“What are you suggesting?”
“Just that. You love me. You were never really in love with Gervaise.”
“You are talking nonsense, Ben. We met long ago and now we have met again briefly. How much do we know of each other?”
“A great deal. We shared an experience … once. I have thought of you ever since. Have you thought of me?”
“After that experience you went away. You left me.”
“If I had thought you needed me I should never have gone.”
“After that terrible thing … I was a child. I needed help.”
“I thought you were too young for it to have a great impact.”
“You must have thought I could take it as easily as you did.”
“I believe you understood that it was not our fault. We harmed nobody. But it is in the past. It’s the future I’m thinking of. I love you, Angel. It is important for me to know now that you love me … that you will come back to England with me.”
“This has all happened too quickly.”
“It has been happening over the years.”
“Well then, why did you stay in Australia? Why didn’t you come and find me before … I married Gervaise?”
“Because I did not know until I saw you again. It all fell into place then. I knew you were the only one.”
“And what of Gervaise?”
“What of him?”
“He is my husband. We are happy together. Do you think I can just say to him, ‘It was nice knowing you but I have finished with you now’?”
“Gervaise will recover from the loss in time.”
“How do you know?”
“Because I have met many like him. He is kind, gentle, loving and weak. He would be the same with any woman as he is with you. You are not first in his life. What is most important to him is gambling. That is what he really cares about. If he lost you and won at roulette or found gold … he would recover. If I lose you I never shall. Nor will you. We are different. Our feelings go deep. We were meant for each other from the day we met. Angel, I must know …”
“What must you know?”
“That you will come to me. We will explain to Gervaise together. He would not stand in our way.”
“Do you mean he would simply pass me on to you?”
“He would want you to be happy. I would compensate him. I would make over my gold mine to him, and you and I could return to England.”
“What a preposterous suggestion.”
“I suppose I am rather preposterous.”
“I can’t think you are serious.”
“I am deadly serious. He would agree to a divorce. We could marry and settle in England.”
“How do you think we should be received at home? Your grandfather …”
“My grandfather is a man of the world. I am very like him in many respects. He would understand. I do not anticipate any trouble there … and if there was I should overcome it. I am not dependent on him or anyone.”
“Oh, Ben,” I said, “you make everything sound so easy.”
“Be honest with me. Do you enjoy being with me?”
“Of course I do.”
“More than with anyone else?”
I did not answer.
“Silence is construed as yes,” he said.
I was thinking of it … being with Ben all the time … and going home. It seemed like paradise to me. It was the first time that I had admitted to myself that I had been so uneasy and apprehensive ever since I had met him again. I had tried to convince myself that it was due to the adventure we had shared—but it was not that. I wanted to be with Ben. If I were free … if only I were free!
But I did love Gervaise. Who could help loving Gervaise? He had always been to good to me, and because of the weakness I saw in him, I wanted to protect him. Surely that was love. Perhaps it was possible to love two men at the same time.
Gervaise’s love for me was tender and patient. That of Ben fiercely possessive and passionate. I knew in my heart that it was Ben I wanted. I also knew that I would never leave Gervaise.
Yet I allowed myself to indulge in fantasies. Going home with Ben … I could imagine his facing them all … making them see it his way. Ben would always win.
As we approached the house, he gripped my arm. “Please, Angel, you must realize this. If you don’t you will spend all your life regretting.”
“I am sure that if I did what you suggest I should do the same. No, Ben, I could not. I think you have not given this enough thought.”
“I have thought of little else since you came here. I can’t be happy without you, Angel. Can you … without me?”
“I am going to try, Ben. I was happy enough before …”
“Before you realized you had made a mistake?”
“I did not think of it as a mistake.”
“When you knew that there would be no serenity in your life? There never will be, you know. This will always be there … like a shadow over everything. There will be debts … always debts. There is no other way.”
“I am going to try to change it.”
“You can’t change people, Angel. They are as they are.”
“I think one can overcome disabilities.”
“Some perhaps. But not this one … not when it has such a firm hold, when it is part of that person. I have seen it often.”
“I daresay we all have our faults.”
“I more than any.”
“Well then …”
We went into the house. It was silent. Jacob and Minnie would be with the revelers. Thomas was probably in bed and Meg would be dozing at Morwenna’s bedside.
We stood in the hall and he put his arms around me.
“I want you here with me,” he said, “now. I want reassurance. Angel, I will give up everything … everything here … I swear … if you will be with me tonight.”
“Oh … no, I couldn’t do that, Ben.”
He held me tightly.
“It’s important. Dearest Angel. I want to be sure. I must be sure … tonight. I will give up everything if you will say yes. We will go home … we will be together always.”
He was kissing me and a terrible longing possessed me—not only for home but for him. I had made a mistake. I had taken good looks, courtly manners, kindliness, tenderness for love. It was not like that. Love was a wild thing that came to you when you least expected it … suddenly; and then once it had taken hold of you, you were captured.
Life is strange. One must be in the right place at the right moment. And that was where it had failed me. Gervaise had been there when it should have been Ben; and I had mistaken the shadow for the substance, the dross for the gold.
It was too late. Too late. Those words kept echoing in my ears.
But was it too late? Living life to the full was taking opportunities. Nobody knew that better than Ben.
He was now saying: It is not too late. We do not have to accept this. We can change it all.
I was afraid. I felt my resistance weakening. I loved Ben. I wanted Ben. My reasoning told me that this was impossible and what he was suggesting was wrong, very wrong. One could not throw aside morality just because one had made a mistake and realized it.