En route to Denham Park, it occurred to me-I was being a bit arrogant thinking Teddy was going to sit around all day on the off chance I showed. Thought of not finding him home didnt bother me too much-but I didnt like the idea of being told Id been stood up by his frozen faced sister! So when I reached the Hollis’s Ham site-I turned in to check if the old RR-or the Sexy Beast-was in the car park.
Didnt get far-there was a barrier across the entrance amp; a little hut-presumably for the gatekeeper-but no one in it. So I got out of the car-ducked under the barrier- amp; began to walk toward this line of vehicles I could see parked in front of the nearest building. Id only gone a few yards when a voice called out-hoy! — you! — stop right there! — amp; dont bloody move!-
I looked round to see this heavyweight guy coming out from behind a clump of gorse bushes- amp; heading toward me at a lumbering trot. His hands were fiddling with his fly- amp; I thought-oh God-Ive hit upon the mad rapist of Sandytown-better run for it girl!
Then it dawned on me he wasnt pulling his zip down-but up! Must have been having a pee. He still looked pretty menacing-but us psychologists have got all kinds of special stratagems for defusing menace.
I stared at him- amp; said-very Lady Bracknell-what kind of dog is it?-
— eh? — he said.
— this dog youre shouting at-what kind is it? — I said.
OK-this wasnt one of the special stratagems I learned-this was just me being pissed off at being yelled at like I was a criminal!
He caught on I was taking the piss-wasnt amused-but at least he was no longer Mad Rapist-more heavy duty Security Guard-as he said-oh yes-youll know all about the dogs-remember them from your last visit-do you?-
It struck me now where Id seen him before-hed been the guy up the ladder cleaning the sign the day of my arrival-the one Tom had greeted out of the window.
I said-its Ollie-isnt it? Perhaps you can tell me-Ollie-if Teddy Denham is on the site-
That stopped him in his tracks. As Freud says-getting them by the name is almost as good as getting them by the balls. He looked from me to the car on the far side of the barrier-then suddenly he turned from Security Guard to Mr Smilie-like the Good Witch of the North had waved her wand.
He said-you must be Miss Heywood-right? — her whos staying with Tom Parker-Miss Lee told me about thee-Im Ollie Hollis-would you like a cup of tea?-
It was recognizing Toms car that did it-of course. In Sandytown-if youre a chum of Toms-you have to be OK.
Two minutes later I was sitting in Ollies hut-drinking tea.
He was full of apology. Seems theyd had trouble with animal rights protesters-so anyone seen on the site without permission gets short shrift. The main attack-Ollie explained-had happened a couple of years back-lots of damage done-pigs turned loose-lot of them never showed up again- amp; half the folk in this neck of the wood were eating pork till Christmas-he added with a big grin.
— so youre head of security? — I asked.
— I wish! — he said-could do with the salary! — No-Im just the gatekeeper-
— sorry-I said-I thought-being called Hollis yourself-youd likely be one of the family-
— oh aye-he said-Im a genuine Hollis-theres a few on us about-but Hog-he were my cousin-were tonly one as ever made it rich- amp; he werent the kind to spread it around! But shouldnt speak ill of the dead- amp; he always said as thered be a job for me- amp; he kept his word. Used to work with the pigs-but that didnt help my asthma-so Hog fixed me up here-but not security-just gatekeeper. Since them extremists started targeting us theres been a proper security guard with a couple of big German shepherds comes on at night-
Hence the confusion about dogs. The protesters had come back the night before I arrived in Sandytown-put a ladder up at the main gate-sprayed the sign-then climbed over.
— thats when they found out about the dogs-said Ollie gleefully-we got it on the security tape-you shouldve seen em run! — One on em made it OK-but one of the dogs got hold of tothers leg afore she managed to get over-
— she? — I said.
— Ay-they were wearing balaclavas-but you could tell the buggers were lasses (an interesting concept-I thought)-by the way they ran-its the broad hips tha knows-thats what made me suspicious of you-
Ignoring the slander on my hips-I asked if theyd been caught. He said there was a car waiting for them-you could just glimpse it on the tape- amp; the unbitten one helped the bitten one into it- amp; it took off fast.
— Jug Whitby-thats Sergeant Whitby-our local cop-he said-is on the case-so I doubt well hear much more about it-
Self-interest made me ask about his connection with Miss Lee.
As Id guessed-its his asthma. Ollie was resigned to having to make do with the usual range of palliatives for the recurring attacks-until-at Toms suggestion-he consulted Miss Lee-whod needled his troubles away! Suspect hes her star patient-so natch shed mentioned my wish to chat about how people reacted to treatment.
I told him Id been looking for Teddy- amp; he said he hadnt been in today- amp; I said-sort of fishing-it didnt surprise me-Ted didnt give the impression of being a dedicated pig man-which made him laugh. But he did say Ted does show up quite a lot-even if his main concern-not unnaturally-is to keep the pong down!
Ollie said he hardly noticed the smell now-though hed much rather the beasts were roaming loose like when he was a lad-instead of being penned inside-never seeing light of day. Says Hog Hollis would have been happy to be a trad farmer if the government-the EU- amp; the supermarkets-hadnt forced him to become a millionaire!
I asked if Hog had really been et by his own pigs.
— oh yes-he said cheerfully-made a lot of folk smile that-specially when they were having their breakfast bacon-sort of poetic-bit like “On Ilkla Moor Baht’at”-
— so what happened? — I asked.
— dont rightly know-must have been working late-went to check something in one of the units-had a stroke-or summat-collapsed in a feeding trough-owt in theres grub for the porkers- amp; theyre used to getting some pretty funny stuff to eat I tell you-so by time he were found next day-he were well chewed over-
I finished my tea- amp; said Id best be on my way to Denham Park.
He said-this were Denham land once tha knows. Makes no odds-farmer or squire-once you start selling rather than buying land-thats the beginning of the end. But no need to tell you that-being a Heywood!-
The government could save millions on electronic surveillance-if they just scattered a few hundred Yorkshire tykes around the world!
I sniffed amp; said-the Denhams must have been desperate to part with land so that Hog Hollis could build a pig farm on their doorstep-
— nay-he said grinning-werent exactly like that. Story is-way back when Daph Brereton were still Daph Brereton-big mucker of Sir Harry Denham-him being master of the hunt amp; her being such a keen rider-she made him an offer for this bit of land-letting on she were hoping to get planning permission for building houses on it. Now Sir Harry had tried to get permission himself-always strapped for cash the Denhams- amp; been turned down-so he reckoned this were just some daft female notion- amp; if she had spare cash to give away he might as well take it-so he let her have the land-at top agricultural price-even though it werent good for owt but a bit of rough grazing- amp; thought hed done a smart deal. Next thing he hears is that Daph amp; Hog has wed- amp; Hogs planning to expand his pig farm onto his wifes bit of land!-
— but wouldnt they need planning permission for that? — I asked.
— no problem-agricultural development-plus more pigs meant more jobs- amp; a bigger site meant more council tax-said Ollie-also Hog were well in with the planning chairman. So no bugger paid much attention when Sir Harry objected. Word is-he were threatening to take a horsewhip to Mrs Hollis next time she showed up at the hunt-