17
Well, Mildred, here I am, back from my first official outing, squatting on the khazi, and definitely not feeling like singing I could have danced all night!
First thought when I saw there were nowt but fizzy wine on offer was, Mean bugger! Thought these Yanks always lashed out the hard liquor. My first guv’nor, old Wallie Tallentire, used to say, Bubbly’s good for nowt but getting a girl’s knickers round her ankles.
Certainly got my trousers round mine!
Talking of trousers, remember to thank Cap. When I pulled mine on for the first time since she brought them, I were surprised how well they fit. Then I checked and realized they were brand new and three sizes down from my old ones, which would have hung around me legs like a mains’l in a dead calm. Bright lass! Dalziel, my man, you certainly know how to pick ’em!
So while I’m sitting here like patience on a fucking monument, I might as well make a note of Festerwhanger’s little “do” while it’s still fresh. Always prided myself on not needing to be taking notes when I were running a case. If I can’t remember it, it’s not bloody worth remembering! Big boast. Let’s put it to the test.
Yon clinic’s a fancy place. Makes our old Central Hospital look like a heritage center. Bet most of your common bugs and viruses turn tail and head back for town soon as they get a glimpse of what’s waiting for them there. One look at the car park tells the story. There were enough high-emission gear out there to punch its own small hole in the atmosphere. If the treatment fees match, then I reckon the patients will feel like they’ve paid for full privacy.
Pet led me to this lounge where there was a handful of people with glasses in their hands. I only recognized two of them. One was the landlord from the pub. He were talking to Stompy Heywood’s lass that I’d sat next to when I broke out of the Avalon. I went up to them and said, “How do, lass? How’s thy dad?”
She looked puzzled for a moment, then said, “Oh, it’s Mr. Deal, isn’t it? Didn’t recognize you with your clothes on. You’ll have met Alan Hollis from the Hope and Anchor.”
“Aye,” I said, laughing. I like a lass with a bit of spirit. “Nice to see you again, Mr. Hollis.”
The landlord said, “You too, Mr. Dalziel. You’ve not been back in.”
“Doctor’s orders,” I said. “But he’s letting me off the hook today so I’ll be down there shortly, you can bet on it.”
Pet came with a glass of fizz which I drank right off.
“Best get me another, luv,” I said. “In fact, why not bring a bottle over here so’s to save you getting in a sweat running between me and the bar?”
She gave me a glower but she went off again.
I said to Hollis, “Left your missus looking after the pub then?”
He said, “I’m not married, Mr. Dalziel. But I’ve got good staff. Just as well with the hog roast on Sunday.”
I’ve noticed this before-folk out in the sticks always talk like everything happening locally’s so important, complete strangers should know about it!
I said, “What’s that?”
“Don’t you know?” he said, surprised. “Lady Denham’s big do at Sandytown Hall. Everyone will be there, everyone important, that is. Sort of thank you from the consortium to everyone who’s helped in putting the town on the map. I’ll be organizing the drinks, so the pub will have to look after itself.”
I thought, When buffalo woman snorts, every bugger jumps!
Pet came back with a bottle. I took it from her and filled all the glasses. Mine fullest ’cos I were catching up.
I said, “Lady Denham sounds real important. She’ll be in this meeting then?”
Pet and Hollis looked at each other, then Hollis said, “No, I don’t think so.”
I said, sort of poking around, “Oh? Didn’t strike me as the kind of lass you could keep away, her and Dr. Feldenhammer being such good mates.”
Pet gave a kind of snort, and Hollis looked at the ground, and even young Heywood grinned. But before I could probe harder, the door opened and the folk from the meeting poured in. I saw Franny Roote in his chair. He gave me a wave, I gave him a glower. Then I spotted Parker, so I excused myself, and went to pay my debts.
He were talking to a bearded guy in baggy pants and one of them fleecy jackets hikers wear. Either a tramp who’d strayed in off the road or an eccentric millionaire patient, I decided.
“How do, Mr. Parker,” I said. “Here’s that twenty quid you were kind enough to loan me. Many thanks.”
He recognized me straight off, or mebbe Festerwhanger had warned him.
“Delighted I was able to help, Mr. Dalziel,” he said, beaming at me. “And how nice to meet you again.”
He sounded like he meant it too and not just because of the money.
“May I introduce you to Gordon Godley?” he said. “Gordon, this is Mr. Dalziel who’s convalescing here at Avalon. Mr. Godley’s a healer whom I have persuaded to bring his ministry to Sandytown.”
Wrong twice. Neither a tramp nor a patient but one of the weirdos Roote had been talking about!
I stuck my hand out. Godley didn’t seem mad keen on taking it, and when he did it were barely a touch before he let go. Mebbe he were scared I were convalescing from summat contagious.
“Healer, eh?” I said. “What’s that about then? Charming warts in a moonlit churchyard or sticking lepers’ noses back on?”
I were just being friendly, but I wished I’d not said it when he looked at me with his big gray eyes like a spaniel told he’s not going walkies today. I were just going to pour a bit of oil when a voice behind me said, “I’m sure Mr. Godley could help you with your warts if they’re bothering you, Mr. Dalziel. Which part of your anatomy are they affecting?”
It were the Heywood lass, giving me the kind of look her dad used to give before clattering your goolies in a line-out. Godley, who was looking more confused and unhappy than ever, mumbled something and moved off.
Heywood looked at me angrily and said, “Now see what you’ve done. Tell me, were you always a bully or did you do a course on it at Hendon?”
I had to laugh. These kids. Know everything, understand nowt. But I liked her style.
Parker didn’t seem to have noticed she were in a tizz.
Still smiling he said, “I’m so glad Gordon decided to come to the meeting, Charlotte. He’ll be such a valuable acquisition. All the other therapies are based on physical interactions. He provides a purely spiritual dimension. Charlotte, why don’t you introduce Mr. Dalziel to some of the others while I have a quiet word with Dr. Feldenhammer?”
“Meeting must have gone well,” I said as he moved off. “He seems happy.”
“Tom is always happy,” she said. “He believes everything is for the best in the best of possible worlds. Pretty well the opposite of your worldview, I’d guess, Mr. Dalziel. Now, who’d you like to be rude to next?”
I got myself another drink, or rather, another bottle as the first seemed to have emptied itself. Then Charley whipped me round some of the others-a chunky Chink lass who stuck needles into people; an herbalist you could have sprayed green and sold as a pixie in a garden center; and a woman who looked like she’d been invited to a Halloween party and got her dates mixed. Didn’t catch what she did, ’cos while we were shaking hands, I was hoping her black nails weren’t painted with owt toxic. I began to wonder how come old Fester had got mixed up with this bunch of oddballs. If I’d found them setting up camp on my patch, I’d have escorted ’em politely to the Lancs border and pushed them across. They’re more used to loonies over there.