Time was I’d have just rolled straight down, but tempus fuckit, and I went in through the kitchen and down a flight of stairs so narrow and worn, the ramp might have been a better bet. And what I found there made me wish I’d not bothered!
That cellar were like something out of an old Hammer horror flick. Gloomy, cobwebby, full of black beetles and musty smells, and lit by a single bare bulb, it were the best advert for aluminum kegs and plastic pipes I’ve ever seen.
I said, “Jesus, lad, they don’t build ’em like this anymore!”
He said, “Aye, there’s been a pub here since good King Charles’s golden days, and I don’t reckon much has changed since then. I’m trying to persuade Lady D we need a bit of modernization.”
I looked at the racks the beer kegs were lined up on. Hearts of oak mebbe in the seventeenth century, they looked like hearts of wood rot now, and the whole cockley edifice were propped up against the uneven unplastered wall with what looked like a pair of clothes poles.
I said, “Bugger persuasion! Get Health and Safety in, they’ll soon get her sorted. Looks to me like this lot could come tumbling down anytime.”
“Likely you’re right,” he said. “But her Ladyship don’t take kindly to officials or any other bugger telling her what to do. Never fear, I’ll get there eventually. Now let’s head off upstairs and I’ll get you that pint.”
Hadn’t mentioned a pint, but like I say, he’s a pearl among landlords.
I supped my ale and he had a half to keep me company. I really weren’t worried about what Daph had said to me, so it were more just to make conversation that I said, “Lady D a nervous type, is she?”
“You’re joking,” he said. “Not a nerve in her body. When she were out with the hunt, she were famous for taking hedges and walls a lot of the men balked at.”
“Gave it up, but, didn’t she?”
“Aye, well, I suppose the sight of your husband with his head looking down his spine might seem like a bit of a warning. But it weren’t nerves-she just enjoys life too much to want to leave it early.”
“So what’s she like to work for then?” I asked.
“Easy enough, so long as you do things her way,” he said. “As you’ll likely find out if you stay around long enough. Unless you go over to the other side.”
I thought he meant die, and I said, “I don’t look that bad, do I?”
He grinned and said, “No, sorry! What I mean is, one way or another most folk in Sandytown are either working for Lady Denham or they’re working for Tom Parker.”
I said, “But they’re on the same side, aren’t they?”
He said, “I think you’ll find Tom’s working for the town, but Daphne’s only working for herself. Best not to get involved if you can avoid it. Get well soon, and leave! Now I’d best get back down to the spiders. If you fancy another one, draw it yourself, okay?”
A pearl among landlords, did I say? A prince, I meant!
Any road, Mildred, that’s been the story of my day so far, that’s how I’ve ended up here at ten of the clock in the morning, talking to thee, with a pint in my belly, a shag on my conscience, and a tale of attempted murder on my mind.
What’s the rest of the day got in store?
Nowt! Get well and leave, said Alan Hollis. That’s beginning to sound like good advice. Don’t get involved, Dalziel. Forget everything that happened this morning, Daph and Pet both. Pet’s not going to blab. She may be willing to open her legs for Fester’s sake, but she’s not going to tell him that! As for Daph, likely she’s just another dippy old woman. Best steer well clear. She ended by inviting me to this barbecue she’s having tomorrow. Everyone’s coming, she said. Well, not me! No, I’ve learned my lesson. Keep to yourself, eat your greens, do your physio, keep your flies buttoned tight, lock your door at night, and in another week you’ll be fit enough to go home.
There you are, Mildred. No need to be ashamed of me.
I’m a changed man!
Now I think it’s time for that second pint.
19
FROM: charley@whiffle.com
TO: cassie@natterjack.com
SUBJECT: bloody murder!
Cass-omigod I was so wrong-nobody kills anyone in Sandytown I said! Listen-dont come home-youre probably safer where you are-no thats stupid! — whats one death compared with what you see? — amp; why am I so excited? — not just horrified amp; scared-tho those too-but excited-do you feel like this sometimes? — or am I just wierd?
Sorry-Im babbling amp; you must be wondering about what? Here goes-what happened-in order-must have order-first rule of psychology my tutor said-be a still point in the midst of chaos-so-deep breath-Im a still point-here we go.
First-Im still here in Sandytown-why? — because Im an idiot-thats why!
After the do at the Avalon-I got to thinking-dont know why-that something was building up here-dont know what! — but woke up yesterday feeling-if I go home now it will be like leaving the cinema just as the orcs come marching out of the gates of Mordor! OK-thats exaggerating a bit-but suddenly it seemed like Lady Ds hog roast would be a climax I shouldnt miss.
For once I wish to hell Id been wrong!
So I asked the Parkers if I could stay another day. Youd have thought Id given them first prize in the lottery! Minnie flung her arms around me amp; gave me a kiss. I felt really good. So I rang home-the HB was furious-natch! — but mum was pleased-I think she suspects Ive met a nice young man- amp; with luck hell turn out a cross between her favorites Harrison Ford amp; Tom Hanks!
So I spent yesterday writing up what notes Id taken-but mainly just lazing around.
amp; today-the hog roast!
Oh Jesus-that phrase-youll see!
Everyone was there-all the Parkers-natch-Di had brought Sandy G along-so at least old Deaths Door was keeping her promise of getting her the S-town social scene! Toms bunch of wierdos were there too-including Godly Gordon-folk from the Avalon-Feldenhammer-Miss Sheldon the chief nurse-plus a whole bunch of people I didnt know-at their center a guy with a gold chain round his scraggy neck-probably local councillors enjoying a freebie-all the buggers are good for according to dad. Hunky bart amp; the Ice Queen were there-naturally. He looked like hed got out of the wrong side of someones bed-not mine! Having a row with his sister-caught my eye but just looked away when I tried a friendly wave. Sod you! I thought. Then-to my surprise-the IQ flashed me a big friendly smile-like she thought the wave was for her-or maybe she was just looking at someone important over my shoulder!
Lady D made a welcome speech-very gracious-thanked all the friends amp; supporters of the consortium for all thier efforts to put Sandytown on the map-looked forward to everyone reaping the rewards-all the time contriving somehow to give the impression this was her own personal party-apologized because thered been a hitch with the actual roasting bit-so no pork ready for another hour or so-but lots of other goodies- amp; buckets of booze-so enjoy!
The mob didnt need any encouragement! As freebies go-this was a good one. No expense spared. Top quality booze-no plonk- amp; acres of grub-china plates-real cutlery-nothing plastic-all laid out on tables on the lawn in front of the hall. Id expected a hog roast would mean roast pork or nothing-but not a bit of it. All tastes catered for.
There were half a dozen kids there-including Minnie amp; Paul-whod come prepared for a swim from the private beach. Not without an adult-Lady D insisted.