As if it wasn’t bad enough!
“We all seemed to change. Xavier was much quieter; he didn’t reproach Papa, but he was withdrawn. We kept one farm and he managed that, but it was different from the large estate we had had. Miriam was fifteen and our governess was dismissed, so Mama taught her. I was considered old enough to dispense with lessons, and Mama said we must help in the kitchen, learning to bottle fruit and make preserves; we must try to be useful, for the type of man who might be expected to marry us would be very different from those who would have come our way had the recklessness of our father not driven us from our home. Miriam caught my mother’s bitterness. I never did. I understood the irresistible urge, the compulsion which had beset Papa. I had that myself not for cards, but for life. I was of a nature to follow my impulses, to act first and consider the wisdom of that act afterwards. I hope you will not grow up to be of that nature, dear Opal, because it can bring you trouble.
AA Mr. Ben Henniker, who had made a fortune in Australia, had bought Oakland. He was a friendly sort of man and one day called on us at the Dower House. I shall never forget it Maddy brought him into the drawing-room where we were having tea.
“Well, M’am,” he said to Mama, “I thought that as we are neighbours we ought to be neighbourly and as I’m having a little bit of a gathering next week, it struck me you might like to join us.” Mama could freeze people with a look-it was a habit she employed with the servants and it worked as well in the Dower House as it had at Oakland. None of the servants was ever allowed to forget that we were Claverings, however depleted our worldly goods.
“A gathering, Mr. Henniker?” she said as though he were suggesting a Roman orgy.
“I’m afraid that is quite out of the question. My daughters have not yet come out and we shall most certainly be engaged on the date you mention.”
“I said: ” I could go. Mama. ” Mama’s look froze the words on my lips.
“You are not free to go, Jessica,” she said coldly.
“Mr. Ben Henniker’s face was quite purple with rage. He said: ” I understand, M’am, you are engaged next week and will be any week if I were to have the impertinence to invite you. Have no fear. You are safe . you and your family. You’ll never be asked to Oakland Hall while I’m there. ” Then he walked out.
“I was so angry with Mama for her rudeness because after all he had tried to be friendly and it seemed absurd to me to resent him merely because he had bought Oakland. We had put it up for sale. We had sought a buyer. I slipped out and ran after him, but he was half way up the Oakland drive before I caught up with him.
“I wanted to say how sorry I am,” I panted.
“I’m so ashamed that my mother spoke to you like that. I do hope you won’t think badly of us all.”
“He had such fierce blue eyes which were then blazing with fury, but as he looked at me, slowly -he began to smile.
“Well,fancy that,” he said.
“And you’re little Miss Clavering, I reckon.”
“I’m Jessica,” I told him.
“You don’t take after your mother,” he said.
“And that’s the nicest compliment I can pay you.”
“She has some good points,” I defended her, “but they are a little hard to recognize.”
“He started to laugh, and there was that about his laughter which made it impossible not to join in. Then he said: ” I like you for running after me like this. You’re a good girl, Miss Jessica, you are indeed.
You must come and see me in your old home. What about that? ” He almost choked with laughter.
“After all, she was only speaking for herself.
You come and meet some of my friends. They’re good people, some of them. It’ll be an eye-opener for you. Miss Jessica. I reckon you’ve lived in a cage all your life. How old are you? ” I told him I was seventeen.
“It’s a beautiful age,” he said.
“It’s an age when you ought to be setting out on your adventures. I reckon that’s what you want, eh? You come over and see me sometime .. that’s if you think it’s right and proper. Don’t you find life pretty dull, living as you must have done?”
I told him that I hadn’t found it dull. There was a lot to interest me in the country. I liked to visit people and we had done a good deal of that at Oakland. As the squire’s family we had had to see to the welfare of our tenants; our days had been divided into sections: lessons in the mornings, working on village affairs, sewing, talking, making some of our clothes, planning the dances we would have when we came out. Alas, we hadn’t come out into society-only out of Oakland and our old life. But I had never found it dull, and it was only when Mr. Henniker opened a new vista for me that I discovered how wonderful the old life had been. “What an escape those visits to Oakland Hall were …” I paused in my reading and stared at the grave before me, and I was beset by an uncanny notion that my life was repeating an old pattern. What had happened to Jessica was happening to me. I wanted to read on quickly, and yet I had to savour these events as I went. I felt it was important for me to know this Jessica, to see her life unfold before me; and that was what she wanted and was why she was telling me in such detail.
I went on reading:
“Of course I was deceiving the family, though I did confide a little in Miriam. I used to wish I could take her to Oakland with me. But I knew that if I were discovered there would be terrible trouble and I didn’t want her involved because she was younger than I and I felt responsible for her. Miriam was so easily led. When she was with me she would be ready for a certain amount of mischief; in the old days we had had a governess, a rather forceful lady who was secretly a Buddhist; Miriam was for a while in danger of becoming one too. When she was with Mama she would become snobbish and scornful of Papa for bringing us down in the world. I used to call her the Chameleon, for she took her colour from whatever rock she was resting on. Therefore I hesitated about taking Miriam with me. Instead I would satisfy myself by telling her of my adventures as we lay in bed at night. She would listen avidly and applaud what I did, but I knew that if Mama pointed out the wickedness of my actions she would immediately agree with her. She was not in the least devious-just incapable of having a view of her own. Malleable-that was the only way to describe her. When I watched Mrs. Cobb kneading the dough into cottage, wheat sheaf and farmhouse loaves I would say to myself: That is just like Miriam; she will go into whatever shape she is put. It was different with Xavier, but who would confide in him? He felt very deeply about our change in fortune and saw it as a disgrace to the family. He had loved Oakland and had naturally been brought up to believe it would be his one day; therefore he necessarily felt a sense of outrage since it had been taken from him, though he never abused Papa as Mama did; he was just sad and withdrawn. I used to feel very sad about Xavier, but of course I didn’t know him as I did Miriam.
“I’m digressing because I’m putting off what happened. I do want you to understand. Please don’t blame me and don’t blame Desmond. I met him at one of Mr. Henniker’s gatherings. I was frequently going to the house and it soon seemed to me more like home than the Dower House ever could be. Life was so miserable there, mainly because Mama could not stop baiting Papa. Sometimes I wondered whether he might do her an injury. He was so quiet and calm that I could imagine he was plotting against her, for there were times when I caught him looking at her oddly. There was a brooding tension in the house. I said to Miriam one night when we lay in bed: ” Something’s going to happen. You can feel it in the air. It’s as though Fate’s waiting to strike. ” Miriam used to get frightened and so did I. I little realized from what direction the blow would come.