“Not… someone at Oakland?”
“Yes. ” Oh, Jessica! ” Now she looked like the old Miriam, for my words had transported her back in time to that other occasion when another Jessica had had a proposal from a visitor to Oakland.
“Are you sure.. ”
"No,” I said.
“I’m not.”
She looked relieved.
“I should be very, very careful.”
“I intend to be. Miriam, suppose you hadn’t married Ernest … suppose you had gone on as you were…”
I saw the look of horror in her face.
“I couldn’t bear to think of that,” she said firmly.
“Yet you hesitated so long.”
“I think if was a matter of plucking up courage.”
“And even if it hadn’t worked out so well with Ernest would you still be glad you left?”
“How could it possibly not have turned out well with Ernest?”
“You didn’t always think that, did you, or you would have done it before.”
“I was afraid ” Afraid of your mother’s sneers and prophecies. They don’t worry you now. “
“I don’t care how poor we are … and we can manage. I’ve discovered I’m a good manager. Ernest says so. And even if things hadn’t turned out so well, to tell the truth, Jessica, I should have been glad to get away from the Dower House.”
“Who wouldn’t?” I thought of living there for years and years without the compensation of going to Oakland to see Ben, and I knew I couldn’t face it. Rather . Oh no . not marriage with that man . and yet I wanted to contemplate it. What would it be like? It would be a marriage of convenience if ever there was one. Perhaps we could come to terms. Perhaps we could do it for Ben’s sake and lead our own lives.
I began to tingle with excitement. I knew I could not face dreary years at the Dower House.
“But lets talk about you,” said Miriam.
“What about this man?”
“He’s Ben Henniker’s son and he’s come over from Australia.”
“You can’t have known him very long.”
“One does not have to know people all one’s life … just because you and Ernest did.”
“But then you can be so much more sure."
” Perhaps ifs more exciting not to be. “
“Whatever do you mean? Oh, Jessica, you are headstrong. You’re like your mother, but she had a more gentle nature.”
“Miriam, I can’t stay forever in that miserable Dower House listening to Grandmother’s saying the litany ten times a day:
“We’ve seen better days, O Lord, don’t You forget it. Look down on this miserable husband of mine who brought us to this and never let him forget it because I’m not going to.”
“You can be very irreverent, Jessica.”
“Perhaps, but what I say is true. I don’t, want to be a prisoner all my life as you were for so much of yours. This proposal is a secret as yet, so don’t mention it.”
“I shall have to tell Ernest. We never have any secrets. He might consider it his duty “Let him remember how Grandmother kept you apart all those years. This is my secret and I expect it to be kept. I’ve only told you because I wanted to talk about marriage and I’ve not made up my mind yet. I thought you’d understand.”
“Oh, I do, and I think that if you really love each other you shouldn’t hesitate. I do wonder what Mother will say.”
“She is my least concern. You were scared of her all those years. I wouldn’t be. But you took the plunge eventually. You snapped your fingers at your mother who had been keeping you and Ernest apart all those years and now you’re glad.”
“Yes, I’m glad,” said Miriam fervently.
She was thoughtful for a while, swaying in her opinions. The same old Miriam! Much would depend on what Ernest thought, for he was the rock on which she rested now, and she would change her colour—chameleon that she was-according to his views.
She went to a cupboard and brought out a bottle of wine-her own make, which she had -brought from the Dower House. She had always been proud of the wines which she had made in the still room My grandmother had said: You’d better learn to be useful about the house for soon we shall have no servants. ” Miriam had busied herself and how glad she was of that now ! ” We’ll drink to the future,” she said. This is more suitable than tea.”
So as we sat at the table and drank to my future and hers, I was wondering why I had talked to Miriam as though I were actually contemplating marriage.
I scarcely slept that night. Next morning at prayers I did not listen to my grandmother’s voice but said my own personal prayer, which was a call for help, and I thought ironically that I had never prayed so fervently before and that it was only when I wanted something that I really prayed at all.
After breakfast I performed the tasks my grandmother had set for me since she insisted that I too learn to manage a house. So I helped Maddy get the vegetables from the kitchen garden and prepare them.
Her sharp eyes detected that something had happened.
You’re up to something,” she said.
“You’re not here … no, you’re not. You’re miles away. What’s brewing. Miss?”
“I’m no longer a child,” I retorted.
“I think you sometimes forget that. I have a perfect right to be preoccupied with matters outside the trivial preparation of garden vegetables ”
"Hoity toity,” she replied.
“You’ve not been the same since you’ve been on visiting terms at Oakland. And I’m sure I wonder why it’s allowed.”
“As long as you keep your opinions to yourself, Maddy, it is of no consequence.”
Talk about giving yourself airs That will be all for this morning,” I said with dignity.
Immediately after luncheon I went to the stream. The world seemed to have turned upside down. Ben, whom I so dearly loved, had lied about my father. How could I reconcile myself to that . and yet how could I stop myself loving Ben and feeling miserable because I feared he would not be with us much longer? And now he had come along with a proposition which he knew was repugnant to me and to Joss whom he so dearly loved adored might be a more apt word. I just could not understand him. The alarming fact was that I did not understand myself, because, somewhere at the back of my mind, I was assessing the situation. I was actually considering the possibility of making this marriage.
As I sat there I saw Joss Madden emerge from the copse and come towards me.
“I saw you from the turret,” he said.
“I thought it would be a good idea to have a talk. Come over.”
It seemed to me that it would be more convenient to be on the Oakland side of the stream than on that of the Dower House where I could be seen by someone from the house, so I obeyed.
As we walked across the grass and into the copse he said:
“Have you decided?”
“It’s an impossible situation,” I cried.
“It exists and therefore can’t be impossible. On the other hand it’s a straightforward proposition.”
“Have you made up your mind ?” I asked.
“Yes, I’m ready to go ahead.”
‘you mean. you would marry me? “
That was the proposition, I thought. Oh come, don’t look so mournful.
You won’t be going to your execution, you know. “
“It feels rather like that.”
He gave that loud explosive laugh. Then he was serious.
“I’m afraid Ben won’t live much longer. He was very weak this morning. And he wants the ceremony to take place before he dies.”
That could be. soon. “
“Once you’ve agreed there’ll be no reason for delay.”
We came to a tree trunk, and he took my hand and pulled me down to sit beside him. He dropped my hand immediately but I was very much aware of him. I felt an excitement which I could not suppress.