Eighteen years after the war, when travel outside Japan became easier with the lifting of restrictions, Nagase and his wife went to Kanburi and stood in the large war cemetery, among the neat stone graves and the bronze plates with the name of each dead soldier.
In the center of the grand cemetery, a white cross stands against a blue sky. The cross is surrounded by approximately 7,000 officers and soldiers lying in the tropical serenity. They were the people who were searched and checked just after the war ended.
My wife and I moved forward to the white cross and offered a wreath at its base. The moment I joined my hands in prayer… I felt my body emitting yellow beams of light in every direction and turning transparent. At that moment I thought, ‘This is it. You have been pardoned.’ I believed this feeling plainly… After I returned home I worked as an interpreter for the Occupation Army in Japan and a teacher at senior high school. After a year I had tuberculosis. When the tuberculosis took a turn for the better, I fell ill again. I suffered a most malignant cardiac neurosis. I had fits of palpitation… After the fit was gone, both my body and mind were worn out… Every time I had a fit, the torture scene in the military police flashed through my mind. I told myself that those prisoners suffered far more, and endured great pain.
…The sense of guilt had lain in my mind for a long time. The moment I visited the graves, I felt the sense of guilt vanish through my recognition that my wish finally came true. My health was getting better and my business went well.
Nagase visited Thailand many times after that, and did charitable work for the surviving Asian labourers, many of whom were unable to return home to India or Malaya after the war and dragged out miserable lives in villages near the railway; and he opened a temple of peace on the River Kwae Bridge, and spoke out against militarism.
It all seemed admirable, but I read about these things with a surprising sense of detachment. I had expected to feel some more powerftil emotion, but apart from the eerie feeling of being present at my own torture as an onlooker I felt empty. And I wondered at his feeling that he had been forgiven. God may have forgiven him, but I had not; mere human forgiveness is another matter.
I put the book aside. After a few days, Patti picked it up and read it slowly one afternoon. The passages which I’ve quoted on Nagase’s trip to the War Cemetery at Kanburi filled her with anger, much more than I had felt. She wanted to know how Nagase could feel pardoned. How could his sense of guilt simply ‘vanish’ if no-one, and me in particular, had pardoned him?
Patti’s sense of indignation was such that she wanted to write to Nagase immediately and asked my permission to do so. She drafted a letter which was sent in late October 1991, enclosing a photograph of me. Now there could be no thought of a sudden confrontation between him and me.
Dear Mr Nagase
I have just finished reading your book Crosses and Tigers. This is of particular interest to me because my husband is the Royal Signals Officer who had been arrested, along with six others, in connection with the operation of a radio in the railway workshop camp near Kanchanaburi in August 1943. My husband also had with him a map of the railway. He is the man you describe on page 15 of your book, being tortured so terribly.
His mother did die at home in Edinburgh, one month after the fall of Singapore. A relative has told me that she died of a broken heart…
My husband already knew who you were, having recognized you from the article which appeared in the Japan Times of 15th August 1989.
He is most interested in having contact with you for he has lived with many unanswered questions all these years, questions to which perhaps only you can help him to find the answers. Maybe you also have questions about the Kanchanaburi Radio Affair?… If you are willing, perhaps you would agree to correspond with my husband?
My husband has lived all these years with the after effects of the cruel experiences he suffered and I hope that contact between you could be a healing experience for both of you. How can you feel ‘forgiven’ Mr Nagase, if this particular former Far Eastern prisoner-of-war has not yet forgiven you? My husband does understand the cultural pressures you were under during the war but whether he can totally forgive your own involvement remains to be seen and it is not for me, who was not there, to judge…
On 6th November when Patti went downstairs to collect the mail which was lying on the floor just inside the front door she saw an express airmail lener from Japan. It was addressed to her but she brought it to me unopened. I sat in my pyjamas on the edge of our bed and opened the tissue-thin envelope.
Dear Mrs Patricia M Lomax
I am now quite at a loss after reading your unexpected letter. And I am thinking that it is very natural indeed for me to expect such this letter. The words you wrote to me ‘If this particular former Far Eastern Prisoner of War has not yet forgiven you’ has beaten me down wholely, reminding me of my dirty old days. I think having received such a letter from you is my destiny. Please give me some time to think it over and over again.
But please tell your husband that if I am a bit useful for him to answer any questions that he has had in his mind, I am willing to answer them.
Anyhow, I am beginning to think that I should see him again. Looking at the picture, he looks healthy and tender gentleman, though I am not able to see the inside of his mind. Please tell him to live long until I can see him.
p.s. Please let me know your Telepone number.
p.s. 2 Excuse that my mind has confused after reading your letter and I could only write what you read here. I will try to find out the way I can meet him if he agrees to see me.
And thank you very much for your taking care of him until today for a long time.
The dagger of your letter thrusted me into my heart to the bottom.
Patti thought this was an extraordinarily beautiful letter. Anger drained away; in its place came a welling of compassion for both Nagase and for me, coupled with a deep sense of sadness and regret. In that moment I lost whatever hard armour I had wrapped around me and began to think the unthinkable: that I could meet Nagase face to face in simple good will. Forgiveness became more than an abstract idea: it was now a real possibility.
As the days went by it seemed that Nagase’s sincerity might be utterly genuine. I began to appreciate more fully how damaged he must be by what he had done, however unwillingly; an interrogator suffering in retrospect with his victims. Nor was his concern to make reparation some occasional thing; it was truly almost a way of life; I learned later that he had been back sixty-odd times to Thailand since 1963. He had also become a devout Buddhist, and his creation of a temple at the bridge was obviously a tremendous achievement for him.
He must have had a terrible fright when he received Patti’s letter, a letter from beyond the grave. Patti replied later that week, and I took another step towards him. She enclosed a personal letter from me. Patti’s letter was splendid and from the heart, setting out briefly what had happened to me since the war. My letter was brief, cool and formal; it was the best I could manage. My letters are always somewhat formal nowadays.
I asked him at first for information: were the searches made specifically to look for radio sets? What made the Japanese Army suspect that there w-;re sets in the camps? And who gave the orders? I was still determined to establish an indelible historical record of what had happened.