I was in love with him. How different this was from the mild attraction I had once felt for Peter Lansdon. This was overwhelming, an intense longing to be with him. I thought, I shall never be happy when he is not there.
“I know you love me,” he said.
“I can’t. I must not.”
“You cannot say you can’t when you do.”
“Jake,” I said pleadingly. “Jake, I must remember my obligations. I never knew until now what a terrible mistake I have made, but it is done, and it is my mistake. I must live with it.”
As I was speaking he was slipping my gown from my shoulders; and I knew I could not resist.
So it had happened. I felt bewildered and exhilarated by the experience. I felt as though I were dreaming. But there he was beside me and I knew that I loved him, had always loved him, and would love him for ever.
He kissed me tenderly. “You must not be sad,” he said. “It had to be. You could not go on in that way … not when I was near you. You must not be afraid.”
I could only say: “I have done this … to Edward.”
“Edward would understand.”
I shook my head. “He must never know.”
“He won’t.”
“I would die rather. He has been so good. That terrible accident… to happen to such a man. I have to care for him for the rest of our lives.”
“It will not always be like this,” he said. “We will think what it is best to do.”
“We must never meet again.”
“That is quite out of the question. My dearest Jessica, this is not such an unusual occurrence as you think.”
“I know wives are unfaithful to their husbands, husbands to wives. But that does not help me. This is not any husband and wife. This is Edward. It is myself.”
“My dear sweet Jessica, life is not meant to be a penance. It is to be lived to the full… to be enjoyed. As soon as we met again this was inevitable. In view of what your marriage has been no one would blame you.”
“I blame myself.”
“I will teach you differently.”
Then he took me into his arms and made love to me again … this time less urgently, tenderly.
And I made no attempt to restrain him.
I knew that I had changed the course of my life then. I knew that this was a beginning and that I should not be able to resist him. I was about to embark on a double life.
Blackmail
IF THAT HAD BEEN the end perhaps there would have been an excuse for me. But it was not. I was as though intoxicated. I made excuses for myself. I was a woman with natural desires. Edward could never help me fulfil these. I had taken a lover. That sounded casual. I loved deeply and was loved in return. I believed now that I had always loved Jake. Something had passed between us when we first met and I had only to see him again to realize that he was the man for me.
I went on explaining to myself. Edward would understand. He had always been worried because he knew that this was not a natural life we were living. I would make up to him for what I had done. I would be even more solicitous, even more caring.
I told myself that I must never go to that house again; but I could not keep away. We had planned to spend four more days in London. Four more days! I could not help it. I sought every opportunity to be with Jake.
I was shameless, I supposed. I realized that I had been starved of love. I was wildly happy in some moments, filled with remorse in others. I would experience a deep sadness when I contemplated Amaryllis who had made such a success of her life—the happy wife and mother. I often thought how happy I could have been if I were married to Jake.
As for him, he was less burdened by guilt than I. Indeed I believe he felt none. But then I was deceiving my husband. He had no such matrimonial burdens to consider. He constantly tried to lift my spirits. Mine was no ordinary marriage, he insisted. It was understandable that this should happen some day. Edward would understand if he ever knew.
“He must never know,” I cried vehemently. “He has suffered enough.”
“He would realize …”
I shook my head. “He would be kind, understanding, forgiving, but he would be wounded … deeply wounded.” Then I added: “I must not come here again.”
I said that often, but I did go … again … and again, and I waited through the days for the opportunities, so that I could slip into that house in Blore Street.
They were such strange days—days of exultation, days of shame. The hours flew by as they never had before and yet those four days seemed like a year. I had experienced so much; grown up, I supposed. I had ceased to be an innocent girl. I was a vital woman, scheming for meetings with her lover—eager, passionate … and then suddenly remembering what I was doing.
I felt my guilt must be written on my face for them all to see. But no one noticed. Not even my mother.
One day I had been to the house and Jake was escorting me back to Albemarle Street, and as we walked along we came face to face with Peter Lansdon.
Hastily I withdrew my arm from Jake’s. I think I flushed a little.
“Peter!” I cried. “I didn’t expect to see you. I didn’t know you were in London.”
He smiled at me. “Business,” he said. “Trouble at one of the warehouses.”
“This is Sir Jake Cadorson. Sir Jake, this is Peter Lansdon—my niece’s husband.”
The two men acknowledged each other.
“I was just returning to the house,” I floundered. “I had been out… and I met Sir Jake.”
“You will be going back to Eversleigh soon, I believe.”
“Have you been to Albemarle Street?”
“No. I have just arrived. I went straight to the warehouse.”
“Peter is a very busy man,” I said to Jake.
“Trouble has a habit of cropping up,” said Peter. “I must be going. More business to attend to. I’ll be coming on to Albemarle Street later.”
We said goodbye.
“Do you think he knew?” I asked. “Was it obvious that we had been together?”
“I think he had one thought in mind … his own affairs.”
“He is very absorbed in them,” I replied with relief. “I am afraid it might seem a little obvious.”
“You must silence that uneasy conscience of yours, my dearest,” he said. “Everything will be all right.”
But Peter Lansdon had put a blight on the day. He had brought home to me more forcibly the wrong I was doing.
Edward was pleased to see me. “It has seemed so long,” he said.
“It was not really very long.”
“How were the celebrations?”
“Very enthusiastic.”
“I wonder how long the mood will last.”
“We are at peace. People are going to remember that for a long time.”
“People have short memories.”
“Edward, how pessimistic you have become!”
He laughed. “Well, it is nice to have you back.”
“James has showed his usual efficiency?”
“Oh yes, we played a lot of piquet and I’m teaching him chess. I think he’ll be quite a good player.”
“That’s wonderful.”
“Jessica … you look different.”
I felt my voice falter. “Different? How different?”
He looked at me with his head On one side. “You look … radiant. It was obviously a good holiday.”
“Yes, I think it was. All the excitement… There was such adulation for the Duke. One gets caught up in all that.”
“It’s a very happy state of affairs. We should all enjoy it while we can.”
After a while I said: “Oh, an interesting thing happened. It was at the Inskips’ ball.”
“That was a grand affair, I imagine.”
“Very grand. We met a Sir Jake Cadorson. Guess who he turned out to be. I’ll give you three guesses.” I gave a nervous little laugh, trying to be merry. Did it sound artificial?
“Some businessman?”
“No … not exactly.”
“I was going to say a friend of Peter.”
“No, I’d better tell you. Do you remember Romany Jake?”