I don't know.
Texas?
Maybe. But Katie will still be back here.
His sheets rustle as he repositions himself. What if I told you I might be in Chicago?
What do you mean?
For a Ph.D. I got my letter the day after you did.
Tin stunned.
Where did you think I was going next year? he asks.
To work with Pinto at Yale. Why Chicago?
Pinto's retiring this year. And Chicago's a better program anyway. Melotti is still there.
Melotti. One of the few other Hypnerotomachia scholars I actually remember my father mentioning.
Besides, Paul adds, if it was good enough for your dad, then it's good enough for me, right?
The same idea occurred to me before applying, but what I'd meant by it was, if my father could get in, then so could I.
I guess.
So what do you think?
About you going to Chicago?
He hesitates again. I've missed the point.
About us going to Chicago.
Floorboards creak above us, movement in another world.
Why didn't you tell me?
I didn't know how you'd feel, he says.
You'd be doing the same program he did.
As much as I could.
I'm not sure I could take it, being dogged by my father for five more years. I would see him in Paul's shadow even more than I do now.
Is that your first choice?
It's a long time before he responds.
Taft and Melotti are the only two left.
Hypnerotomachia scholars, I realize he means.
I could always work with a nonspecialist on campus here, he says. Batali or Todesco.
But writing a Hypnerotomachia dissertation for a nonspecialist would be like writing music for the deaf.
You should go to Chicago, I say, trying to sound like my heart's in it. And maybe it is.
Does that mean you're going to Texas?
I haven't made up my mind.
You know, it doesn't always have to be about him.
It's not.
Well, Paul says, deciding not to press, I guess we've got the same deadline.
The two envelopes are lying where I left them, side by side on his desk. The desk, it occurs to me, where Paul began to unlock the Hypnerotomachia. For a second I imagine my father hovering over it, a guardian angel, guiding Paul toward the truth every night since the beginning. Strange to think I was right here, just a few feet away, asleep almost the whole time.
Get some rest, Paul says, and I can hear him roll over in his bunk with a long, labored breath. The force of what's happened is returning.
What are you going to do in the morning? I ask, wondering if he wants to talk about it.
I have to ask Richard about those letters, he says.
Do you want me to come with you?
I should go alone.
We don't speak again that night.
Paul falls asleep quickly, to judge from his breathing. I wish I could do the same, but my mind is too crowded for that. I wonder what my father would've thought, knowing we'd found the portmaster's diary after all these years. It might've lightened the loneliness I always supposed he felt, working so long at something that meant so little to so few. I think it would've changed things for him, knowing his son had finally come around.
Why'd you come late? I'd asked him one night, after he showed up at halftime during the last basketball game I ever played.
I'm sorry, he said. It took me longer than I expected.
He was walking in front of me back to the car, preparing to drive us home. I fixed my eyes on the patch of hair he always forgot to comb, the one he couldn't see in the mirror. It was mid-November, but he'd come to the game in a spring jacket, so absorbed at the office that he'd picked the wrong one from the coatrack.
What did? I prodded. Work?
Work was the euphemism I used, avoiding the title that was such an embarrassment to me around my friends.
Not work, he said quietly. Traffic.
On the way back, he kept the speedometer just two or three miles per hour above the speed limit, the way he always did. The tiny disobedience of it, the way he refused to be bound by rules, but could never really break them, grated on me more and more after getting my driver's permit.
You played well, I thought, he said, looking over at me in the passenger's seat. You made both of the foul shots I saw.
I was oh— for-five in the first half. I told Coach Ames I didn't want to play anymore.
That he didn't pause told me he'd seen it coming.
You quit? Why?
The smart take from the strong, I said, knowing it would be the next thing out of his mouth. But the tall take from the short.
He seemed to blame himself after that, as if basketball had been the final straw between us. Two weeks later, when I returned from school, the hoop and backboard in our driveway had been taken down and given to a local charity. My mother said she wasn't sure why he'd done it. Because he thought it would make things better, was all she could say.
With that in mind, I try to imagine the greatest gift I could've given my father. And as sleep descends on me, the answer seems strangely clear: my faith in his idols. That was what he wanted all along-to feel that we were united by something permanent, to know that as long as he and I believed in the same things, we would never be apart. What a job I did, making sure that never happened. The Hypnerotomachia was no different from piano lessons and basketball and the way he parted his hair: his mistake. Then, just as he must've known would happen, the moment I lost faith in that book, we were more and more apart, even sitting around the same dinner table. He'd done his best to tie a knot that would never slip, and I managed to untie it.
Hope, Paul said to me once, which whispered from Pandora's box only after all the other plagues and sorrows had escaped, is the best and last of all things. Without it, there is only time. And time pushes at our backs like a centrifuge, forcing us outward and away, until it nudges us into oblivion. That, I think, is the only explanation for what happened to my father and me, just as it happened to Taft and Curry, the same way it will happen to the four of us here in Dod, inseparable as we seem. It's a law of motion, a fact of physics that Charlie could name, no different from the stages of white dwarfs and red giants. Like all things in the universe, we are destined from birth to diverge. Time is simply the yardstick of our separation. If we are particles in a sea of distance, exploded from an original whole, then there is a science to our solitude. We are lonely in proportion to our years.
Chapter 16
The summer after sixth grade, my father sent me to camp, a two-week affair for wayward ex-Boy Scouts, the purpose of which, I realize now, was to get me reinstated among my merit-badge peers. I'd been de-kerchiefed the year before for lighting bottle rockets in Willy Carlson's tent, and more specifically for saying I still thought it was funny even after Willy's weak constitution and excitable bladder were explained to me. Time had passed, and, my parents hoped, indiscretions had been forgotten. In the hubbub surrounding twelve-year-old Jake Ferguson, whose pornographic comic book business had turned the morally constipating experience of Scout camp into a lucrative and horizon-broadening enterprise, I was demoted to lesser-evil status. Fourteen days on the south shore of Lake Erie, my parents seemed to think, would bring me back into the fold.
It took less than ninety-six hours to prove them wrong. Halfway through the first week, a scoutmaster dropped me back at home and drove off in a wordless huff. I'd been dishonorably discharged, this time for teaching campmates an immoral song. A three-page letter from the camp director, heavy with correctional, parole-style adjectives, ranked me among the worst Boy Scout recidivists of greater central Ohio. Unsure what a recidivist was, I told my parents what I'd done.