'No, Uncle, I did not,' I stammered, not daring to admit I would very much have liked to. Uncle Robert grunted: 'You would have enjoyed the experience, my lad, she has the most enchanting little pussey which is always eager to welcome my old todger and that's why I'm so damnably tired. Young Maria is quite insatiable. For the last week or so, I've spent at least three hours a day lucking her until I've reached a point of total exhaustion.' He let out a heavy sigh and went on: 'Marriage is an excellent and most proper institution and I trust that when the time comes, you will have as satisfying and as comfortable a relationship as that granted to me with your aunt. However, when one's spouse loses interest in nuptial relations, it is a great temptation to look elsewhere for the pleasures of the flesh.' Uncle Robert looked hard at me and then he leaned forward and said: 'Now, Henry, the reason I am talking of these matters is simply this – several of the distinguished guests at this afternoon's concert have also succumbed to the lure of forbidden fruit, including an illustrious royal gentleman at the very highest level of Society. Now, being a smart lad, you have perhaps already guessed to whom I am referring.' It was not difficult for me to know whom he meant, for the bedroom antics of the heir to the throne are regularly documented in the pages of scurrilous French publications as well as in The Oyster and other homegrown journals of voluptuous reading. “The Prince of Wales, Uncle Robert?' I answered brightly and he put a finger to his lips as he nodded.
'Correct, my boy, and as Lady Laversham has had to hasten away to be at the bedside of a sick relative, Lord Charles has taken the opportunity to arrange a further entertainment after the concert for a selected number of his guests. I am one and, now that you have reached the age of sixteen, I thought it appropriate that you too should be invited to participate in the fun. It's about the right time that you discovered the joys of, to use the common vernacular, dipping your wick. 'However, it is far from being a compulsory command, and it will be no trouble to arrange transport for you if you would prefer to go back to school immediately after Prince Kochanski has finished his performance. Either way, though, you must treat this matter as strictly confidential,' I hastened to assure him that I would be delighted to take part in whatever bacchanalian delights had been planned and felt it beholden on me to confess that I was no stranger to such pleasures. 'This will not be my first fuck, Uncle Robert. I cannot disclose the name of my partner but I have already been introduced to the joys of love-making by a most kind and considerate partner.' 'Have you, begad? Well, the best of luck to you. And I applaud your reticence in not naming your amorata. Only cads sully a lady's reputation by telling tales in this manner. I am pleased though that you have gone through your rite of passage unscarred. First love can be a most magnificent business – or a disastrous fiasco and you have been fortunate in having a lover who was able to guide you through the experience. 'Most people would say that strict regulations must be upheld with regard to sexual relations or the very fabric of society will fall apart. I disagree and say that if we eased the rigid control of sexual information and encouraged a freer, more enlightened attitude to fucking, there would be far less social tensions in the country – but that's another issue and as those to whom I propound my ideas class me as a dangerous radical, simply because I do not believe in any rules except those of nature, we had best talk of other matters and pursue that particular subject when you are older and more experienced in such affairs.' He sat back and abruptly changed the subject. 'How is your postage stamp collection coming along, Henry? Philately can be a financially rewarding hobby these days. I purchased an 1854 Indian four rupee stamp with the Queen's head printed upside down from Messrs Stanley Gibbons for fifty pounds six years ago. Your aunt upbraided me for my extravagance but only last week I sold it back to them for three times that amount!'
Uncle Robert looked at me with satisfaction as I congratulated him on his coup though I did not feel it impolite to add: 'Unfortunately, I do not have any capital to speculate on stamps, although one of the chaps at school told me that the most valuable stamp in my album, the fourpenny 1861 Cape of Good Hope, is now worth at least sixty pounds.' 'Oh yes, and I would judge that to be a conservative estimate even for a used copy,' remarked my uncle. 'My old friend Sir Ronald Dunn, who you will meet this afternoon, recently paid three hundred and twenty-five pounds for an unused copy.'
Soon we swung into the gates of Laversham Hall and when we entered the imposing mansion, a footman took our coats. We were announced by the butler as we walked into the sumptuously furnished drawing room. Uncle Robert introduced me to Lord Laversham and I heard him mutter: 'My nephew was sixteen last week, Charles. The entertainment you are laying on after the concert will be a capital birthday present for the young scamp.' Amongst the other notable people present, whose faces appear regularly in the weekly illustrated papers, were Sir Ronald Dunn, Sir Dunton Green, Lady Linda Wantman and of course His Royal Highness, the Prince of Wales. My uncle whispered to me: 'Bertie was going to bring the. Countess of Warwick this afternoon but when he heard that Charles Laversham was organising some racy amusement, he decided to come along unaccompanied.' At three o'clock we filed behind Lord Laversham and the Prince of Wales into the ballroom where the concert was to take place. 'Charles bought a new Bechstein Grand just for this performance,' said Uncle Robert as we took our seats in the fourth row. 'Set him back a hundred and fifty guineas, but then you couldn't very well ask Prince Kochanski to perform on a Bluthner upright piano.' 'No, of course not,' I agreed. Then, to a round of applause, the Prince walked on to the stage with a pretty blonde girl who was required to turn the pages of his music. The Prince was a tall, singularly handsome gentleman, whole face was illumined by large, soulful, brown eyes. He spoke in perfect though slightly accented English as he thanked us for our support of the two charitable institutions which would benefit from his performance – the Musicians Benevolent Home in Croydon and the East Milk Funds. Then, without further ado, he sat down at the piano and began to play. He opened with some Chopin waltzes and then, one of my favourite pieces of music, Mozart's Sonata in D Major. My mother, no mean pianist herself, often plays this brilliant composition although it would be foolish to compare her performance with that of Prince Kochanski. To begin with, the sound which emanates from our old upright instrument cannot be compared with that from Lord Laversham's superb new full-size grand piano, although, having said that, in all honesty I thought the Prince played the allegro slightly too fast and his performance could have benefited from a shade less rubato. During the interval, I said as much to Uncle Robert who did not disagree with me. But the second half of the concert was quite superb. To the audience's delight, after three Mendelssohn lieder, the Prince announced that a gentleman sitting in the back row would join him in a performance of Schubert's 'Fantasia for Piano Duet in F Minor.' 'Good heavens, I didn't know that Motkalevitch was in Britain,' exclaimed my uncle, rising to join the standing ovation given to the great Russian pianist as he smilingly walked up the hall to the stage. Suffice it to say that the two men played the lovely music divinely and as an encore they gave us the third molto allegro movement of Mozart's 'Sonata for Two Pianos in D Major'. Then the guest of honour, the Prince of Wales, made a short speech of thanks to the two artists for their wonderful performances, and with Lady Wantman on his arm, led the audience back into the drawing room whilst Lord Laversham's staff removed all the chairs to enable them to set out a splendid tea. 'Just eat a slice of bread and butter and don't stuff yourself with too much cake, Henry,' advised Uncle Robert.