“My brother and his wife find you delightful.”
“As I did them.”
“I told them I intend to marry you,” he said. “As quickly as I may, and then, with the woman I love, quickly begin producing Scamps and Rascals of our own.”
“Marriage.” The truest desire my heart had ever known.
“You are not the only person who can speak forthrightly, Juliana,” he said as he drew his chair closer to mine. “Though I be delighted that I can still surprise you.”
“You do indeed,” I said, wishing that I could find joy in this news.
“I should like to speak with your brother, if he is here for the coronation.”
I nodded. “He is in Cecil’s household for a while longer; then he returns to Marlborough to attend to our family business.”
“I know of it,” he said. “I have seen Sir Matthias in passing whilst in London, though I am sure he would not recognize me. Has there been … an arrangement made with his son?” he asked softly.
I shook my head. “I told my brother that no arrangement should be made with Matthias, if that were meet with my brother, and he agreed.”
“Excellent! Then I am free to speak with your brother, and your mother, if need be.”
“I cannot leave Kate’s household. She has need of me.”
He seemed slightly taken aback. “Well, I suppose you must stay with her for some short time, whilst she transitions to her dower estates.”
I took his hand in mine and allowed myself to twine his fingers through my own. “I do not intend to marry for some time, if ever, Jamie,” I said softly, and with sorrow.
He withdrew his hand in surprise and then took both of mine in his own. “Why not? Is there another?”
“There is no other,” I said gently. “I promise you this.”
“You shall take religious vows, then?”
At that I giggled, and broke the tension. “Nay, Jamie.”
He laughed himself, nervously. “Well, I thought not, as I believed your religious thoughts veered away from the traditional. But then, is it me, have I misread the situation? I have done as I promised you at your mother’s home. I have not lived as a Turk with many wives.” He wiggled his eyebrows and we both laughed again. “I desire, as I once said to you, only one wife. And that be you.”
I kept my hands in his. “If I were to marry, Jamie, it would be to you. I prefer you above all others. But I cannot, and that is all I can say of the matter. I grieve too.”
He stood up. “And you have nothing further to offer? No reason? No explanation?”
“Alas, I fear not.”
“If I wait?”
I shook my head no, my chest suffocating in sorrow as one closed in a coffin.
“And yet you are firm upon this course?”
“I am.” I left no room for wonder in my tone of voice. It was for his good. I would not force him to make a choice, and should he choose against me, in truth, I did not want to know.
He grew warm in the face. “I do not understand, Juliana, but I will take you at your word and press you no further. I shall sorrow, though. I have a fine manor in the north of Ireland and I desire a family to share it with. As I cannot have the wife I desire, I shall have to soon take one I do not.”
He reached into the pocket of his fine leather coat and withdrew a box. “I had come expecting a better outcome,” he said, “and had this made for you to keep me in your mind whilst I was at sea after we finalized our marriage.” He handed a small black box to me.
I took it in hand and opened it. It was Jamie, a faint scruff on a browned face, blue eyes creased at the corners where his hair met his lashes. I looked at it for a moment and my eyes filled with tears. “I’m sorry.” I stood and then held it out to him.
He refused to take it. “No. I had it made for you. You may keep it. You told me once that you do not like to receive a gift without giving one in return.” He took my face between his hands and ran them over it, then pulled me close and kissed me. His rough jaw scratched against my smooth one, his cheek bone pressed into mine. In spite of myself I responded and reached my arms around him till we melded together.
A minute later I pushed him away at last, lest we be further tempted to more.
“You respond with love and desire. I sense it,” he said. “I am confused.”
I opened the doorway afore speaking softly again. “I am so sorry, Jamie. I shall pray for you to have the life of love and happiness that you richly deserve.”
He did not ask a further question and I quickly closed and locked the door behind him before I could change my mind. I sat on my bed before I let the tears course silently down my face, then my chin, then trail onto my chest. I unfurled my fingers from his miniature, which I clutched in my right hand, and met him eye to eye for a moment. He smiled. I grieved.
I could not marry him. He deserved his own Scamp and Rascal whom he could teach to joust and tell stories, who could inherit his purse and lands. These were things I could never give him and things I knew he deeply desired. My gift was not the kiss, but his freedom to have the life he deserved.
’Twas more a sorrow than a pleasure, then, to have learnt that our kiss had rekindled the desire I thought had been permanently snuffed out. I allowed myself the reluctant pleasure of thinking what might have been before lying down to bed, caressing his face once more before gently closing the small black box.
In the main, Lord Thomas had been right: his brother had given him lands and titles and honorary fripperies, but he kept him far from the circle of power. Too, the council understood the motherly sway that Kate had upon King Edward, a solemn boy of but nine who needed, I suspected, to be told the story of St. George rather than rule over the castle that held the chapel named in St. George’s honor. Thomas’s brother kept Kate far from court, too, lest her influence on the king, which he sought to wean him from, should wax instead.
This left Kate and Lord Thomas an inordinate amount of time on their hands in the distant properties of her dower homes and his own home without the watchful eyes of the council.
In March Kate wrote a long letter to Thomas. “I told him within that we should write but once a fortnight,” she said to me, handing the letter over to a page to be delivered to Seymour Place. The next day, though, and the next, she handed me similar letters to pass along to her messenger.
“My lady, are you certain?” She dismissed my concerns and bid me obey. Lord Thomas’s came quickly, too, in return. I saw them on her table and near her bed.
In April, Thomas began to dine with us regularly at Chelsea. They kept about them only the few whom they knew would be constant in their affection toward one or both, and whilst I was still vexed that he led her to grow ever angrier over her treatment after King Henry’s death, I also rejoiced to see her so happy. After having had three husbands chosen for her, it was only right that she would choose the fourth for herself, even if he were not the man I should have chosen for her.
One night, whilst I made my way down the hallway toward my chamber, I heard Thomas plead that he be able to spend the night.
“Not afore marriage,” Kate said insistently. “It would not be right. And with the Lady Elizabeth coming within a fortnight to live in my household, I must have an eye to propriety.”
“But you have said we may not be married for two years!” he wheedled. “If you be certain we must wait, then let it not be two years but two months.” I heard no more after that but giggling and low voices. Aware of the impropriety of my own eavesdropping, I quickly moved on. But one day, not a week later, I was up afore dawn with a painful flux and I happened to glance out my window.
A man approached the manor house and made his way in, quietly. I was still at my window two hours later when he took his leave. He kept his head down but I recognized the jaunty walk. Lord Thomas.
’Twas a most joyous time for all when the Lady Elizabeth and her household arrived at Chelsea. Kate was merrier than I had seen her in some time; she looked upon Elizabeth as a daughter, I knew, and if she could not dote upon the king she would dote upon his sister. The Lady Elizabeth had the finest suite of rooms in the house, after Kate, of course. She had household servants and maidens and gentlemen, and of course her governess, Kat Ashley. Kat was the sister of Kate’s good friend Lady Denny, so it was a most congenial mixture. Elizabeth and I oft played rook or cards, though the times were but few when I bested her at any game. Thomas had a kindly word or two for me, asked about my family or my reading, partnered me at dance or cards.