I didn’t stress the fact that I was going to make a stand against going back to England.
We arrived back at Little Whiteladies with the goods we had bought.
“I’ve been in a torment of anxiety,” said Lynx.
“I’ll not let you go away without me again.” I was gratified and exultant because I meant so much to him.
Adelaide busied herself at once in her sewing-room. I spent a great deal of time with her—not that I cared much for sewing but at times I wanted to shut myself away from both Stirling and Lynx, so that I might contemplate this step I was taking. There in the sewing-room where the conversation was only desultory and concerned the width of a sleeve or the best way to cut a skirt, I could think of the future and try to come to some decision before I made the final step.
It was nonsense, of course. As if I could draw back! As if I wanted to! But I wished I could understand myself. If it had not been for Stirling . I might as well say: If it had not been for Lynx . No, I told myself a hundred times a day: It is Lynx. It is the strong man I need. And yet I could not get Stirling out of my thoughts.
The time was passing rapidly and I often felt that I wanted to ride out alone into the bush and that there by some miracle I should find the answer which would set my fears at rest. But Lynx had given orders that I was not to ride out alone. I discovered this one morning when I went to the stables and asked the groom to saddle my horse. He told me then that they had all been warned that I should never go riding alone. I was insistent and the groom was alarmed. I was thinking to myself: No, Lynx. I won’t be put into a cage. And you will have to know this.
I saddled the horse myself and rode out. I had not gone very far when I heard a horse galloping behind me and I saw the white horse on which he had ridden that day when he had shot Jacob Jagger.
I dug in my spurs but I could not outdistance him. He was soon beside me, his eyes gleaming with excitement. He looked like a satyr, I thought.
“Nora!” he roared.
I pulled up level with him and said: “Why the excitement?”
I gave orders that you were not to go riding alone. “
^And if I want to? “
“You won’t because you know it is against my wishes.”
“And you won’t tell your grooms to do their feeble best to stop me because you know that would be against mine.”
“You know why I don’t want you to go out riding alone.”
“Because you think I’m incompetent and fit only for … what was that horse’s name, Blundell?”
“I suffer torments of fear when you are out of my sight. I visualize all sorts of dangers which you might meet in the bush. It is for this reason that I don’t want you to go out alone.”
“Do you mean that for the rest of my life I must always be accompanied wherever I go like some young girl with her duenna?”
“It will be different when we leave here. So it is only for a short while.”
“You know,” I said slowly, ‘that I don’t want to leave here. “
“That’s because you don’t realize how much more gracious living can be.”
“I have seen the grand house of which you are thinking.” I turned to him.
“You say you love me.”
“With all my heart.”
“Then you will want to please me.”
“It shall be the object of my life.”
“Then we shall stay here and I shall spend the rest of my days riding with the chosen duenna of the moment whenever I sally forth. But perhaps in due course you will consider that I have grown a little less stupid … or perhaps you will not care so much if I did run into some of those dangers you visualize.”
“What nonsense are you talking?”
“It is by no means nonsense. Husbands grow tired of wives. It’s not an unusual state of affairs.”
“We shall not be as other husbands and wives.”
“I wonder what it will be like … married to a god !’
” You will discover . most joyfully. “
He had moved his horse very close to mine. Some galahs were imitating the songs of others. In the distance a brown kangaroo loped over the dry grass. I was very much aware of the sounds and smells of the bush since I had emerged from the cave into the blackened silence.
I said: “I have grown fond of this country.”
“You will love England more.”
“I want to stay here.”
“It will make no difference to you where we are for we shall be together.”
“Then if it makes no difference why need we go?”
“We have to go. One day you will understand. I will make you see it as I do. Then you will see how inevitable it. was. When you are there, where I am going to take you, you will thank me for it, for the rest of your life. Yes, you will.”
“I know what you are thinking. It is that house. It can’t be yours. It doesn’t belong to you. Your desire to live there is unworthy of you.”
“You have too high an opinion of me, Nora.”
“But you insist on everyone’s sharing that high opinion.”
“You’re trying to make a saint of me. I’d never be that.”
“Lynx,” I began, ‘dear Lynx . “
He smiled and said: “When you speak to me like that I want to lay the earth at your feet.”
“Then, dear Lynx, just give me this. Give me all your plans for revenge and I’ll destroy them and it will be as though they never existed.”
“But they do exist, Nora.”
“They can be destroyed.”
“It’s too late. They are too strong. They are part of me.”
“You said you loved me.”
“Do you doubt it?”
“If one loves, one wants to give the loved one what he or she most desires.”
“That is why you, who love me, will not ask the impossible. Listen, my love. We are going to England—you, I and Stirling. In time Adelaide will join us. I came to this country unwillingly.”
“It has been good to you.”
He conceded this.
“Yes,” he agreed.
“I served my sentence here. I have my reward … gold and Nora.”
“In that order of precedence?”
“You are more important to me than all the gold in Australia.”
“I am glad to hear you confirm this because I was by no means sure.
But there is one thing which is more important to you than either of these two contestants for your affections. That is revenge. “
All he would say was: “One day you will understand.”
As we rode back together he made me promise not to ride out alone again. I reminded him that I had done it often in the past.
He then recalled the occasion when I had been thrown from my horse; then there was the affair of Jacob Jagger and the fire.
My riding had improved, I pointed out. I would not take a mount that I couldn’t manage. No man would dare molest me now and if there was a fire in the neighbourhood T would be aware of it and certainly would not venture out. What other dangers were there?
“I’m afraid of losing you,” he said.
“That you have come to me is like a miracle. Everything I ever wanted in life is mine, or about to become mine. I don’t trust life. I can’t help experiencing this fear that just as I am about to grasp complete contentment it may be snatched from me.”
“You have such thoughts! You surprise me.”
“I’m serious.”
“Well, I’ll make this concession. I won’t ride out alone until after the wedding. Then you will have to begin persuading me again.”
“It’s a bargain,” he said; and we rode home indulging in that lighthearted banter which seemed to amuse him and which no one had dared exchange with him before.
My wedding-day was almost upon us, and preparations were going on apace. The smell of pies and pastries permeated the house. Adelaide made an enormous wedding-cake of six tiers. But I could not rid myself of the idea that something tremendous was about to happen to prevent the wedding’s taking place. There would be some impediment. How absurd! As if anything could prevent happening that on which Lynx had set his heart. Is this a premonition? I asked myself.